AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

[SeriouslyIsThisBonkers]

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

You have plenty of choice since your DH is presumably going along with you and DS staying with your parents?

Get DH to collect DH and "deliver" him to his parents when you have offered, and ignore their demands at all other times.

And you can write to them one more time telling them they are rude and that since you rather than DH is primary carer, they can imagine how much facilititating you will be doing in future.

And then just do exactly as you please.

If you actually go and visit them you are insane. Psychos.

What choice do you have?! Give me a break. You have free will.

How odd. They have zero 'rights' to see or speak to your kid at all so surely they realise pissing you off isn't going get them more access to YOUR child?

Tell DH to inform them to back the fuck up else contact will be reduced to absolutely nothing.

I’m not saying LTB just saying don’t engage with in-laws at all from this point forward
he can take DS to see them if he must

This. They wouldn’t be seeing DS at all as the current situation stands, and I’d be having a serious conversation with my “D”H about boundaries and respect.

I can understand you not wanting to stay with them, but why can't your son stay with his father, with them, for half the time?

I think I would just pay for your DP to come and visit you instead. DH can go visit his parents on his own.

Honestly, you need to make your DH's life more of a misery if he doesn't support and stick up for you than him disobeying his parents would do.

You also need to be as rude to his frightful parents as they are to you. Don't try and keep the peace. Stay at your parents with your DS and refuse to let your DH take your DS to his parents' house without you. He is being totally disloyal and pathetic. He married you and had a child with you. His loyalities should lie with you. He needs to access some therapy urgently.

If I had given up my lucrative professional career and all the independence, financial and otherwise, that went along with it, to homeschool a man's child, you can bloody well be sure it would be done on the basis that I would not be treated like some disrespected mug by a wet ingrate husband or his disrespectful obnoxious parents. They'd be a very long time waiting for a visit from their grandchild if I were you!

Cop yourself on OP, for goodness sake.

Because a 9 year old boy must not be exposed to misogynistic views via his grandfather. OP is trying to shield her son from these disturbing opinions which involve callinga grown professional woman ‘silly little girl’. The child’s father can’t be trusted to shut this down since he has accepted it previously as a description of his wife.
It’s a big mess. In OP’s shoes I would not be keeping my son at home and inviting my own parents to visit me. The ‘D’ H can go on the trip if he likes.

So very sad, ur fil is terrible & u need to take back control with clear boundaries that will be tested. I would ensure your husband is onside and then state how you want to reset the relationship and if they can’t accept the ‘new boundaries’ for your whole family, then you will extract yourself and your children from that bad envirnonment as you want to role model how decent human beings interact with each other. Be clear on the consequences and then get them to agree before another visit. Don’t throw away the possibility of a reset but stick to your guns if it goes sideways. I.e get up and leave the room taking your children with you.

How can women have any respect for the husbands that allow thier parents to treat wives and mothers of their children like this

My DM and her (ex) PILs couldnt stand each other. Huge rows I later found out. But my DGPs never, ever said a word against my DM when my DB and I stayed with them. Because FIL is rudecand dismissive to her face doesn’t mean he would be behind her back. I thin that would be regarded as beyond the pale by anyone.

Do you think the son would benefit at all from seeing his GF?

Sounds to be as if he should be protected from him not subjected to him!

Yeah fuck that. I would not be facilitating anything for that twat. Shame his wife has to miss out on her grandchild but there we are.

Your DH would get short shrift too. We’d be having divorce level conversations if I had 1% of that coming to me and DH did fuck all about it.

It’s not healthy for your vulnerable DS to be around people who are hateful and toxic to his mother.

Well you clearly don't like him or want much time with them, hence choosing to stay at your parents, so why you are concerned about whether you are invited or not, I don't really understand. But you've obviously offended them by refusing to stay there this time and they've decided to have a strop over it.

Let your husband handle it. He should calmly explain to them exactly where they've gone wrong in the past with you. If they want to mend it they will. They'll apologise. If they don't, they won't and you don't have to suffer them any more. Let your DH take your son to see them on his own, you spend some quality time with your own parents and enjoy the child-free break. But yes, it's only fair that the time with your son should be split roughly 50:50 between each set of GPs. Not sure why you need to drop your son off though? Can't your DH just pick him up? Or can he not stay a few days with DS at his parents, you please yourself for a few days, then the three of you get a hotel room nearby and all spend a few days with your parents. That way you don't have to keep criss crossing back and forth across the city.

If your husband arranged things so that most of DS's time was spent with his parents and not yours how would you feel about it? Not thrilled, I imagine. You may be annoyed with them and that's fair enough, but rise above the urge to ration time with your child as a way of getting back at them.

I was thinking how lovely it would be if your parents could come over to visit you in your home and spend time with their grandchild in his own environment , which would be a lot less stressful for him, and you.

You don’t understand OP not seeing it as normal for her in-laws to tell her they don’t want her around because she’s not related?

You seem to have edited your post, which has made my response to your comment to me sound nonsensical now. So I will edit mine.

Her PILs obviously didn't always feel this way as historically she has always been welcome to stay there. They have clearly taken umbrage to being told she doesn't wish to stay there with her DH in future because she finds her FIL rude.

So they have reacted badly and decided she's not real family so it doesn't matter anyway. She gets what she wants - she doesn't have to see them. But she still wants to know she's invited regardless?

She needs to make up her mind. Either accept that he's a patronising arse but tolerate him in short doses anyway. (He lives overseas so how hard can it be for a few days a year? ) Or be thankful she doesn't have to stay there and put up with him anymore, but accept that he's copped the hump about her making a stand over it. And just let her DH get on with it by himself and take DS there by himself.

I updated my comment to you. It’s very easy to understand why OP is concerned about being invited. It’s part of the behaviour they use to disrespect her and apparently isolate her. In light of this, the whole 50/50 is a fair split doesn’t fly when they are behaving the way they are. She shouldn’t work around their attitude, which she and her husband have apparently been doing for a while. That’s not using her child but correcting the situation that needs immediate resolving if possible.

The 50:50 split absolutely flies. It's irrelevant how she and PIL feel about one another. Her DH is their son, her child is their grandson, they live overseas and don't get much time together. Her DH should be able to spend half the holiday with his parents and allowing them time with their grandson, if he wants to. And that's the crux of it. IF HE WANTS TO. She should not dictate to her DH that his family should get less time with him or the little boy, because she has an issue with her FIL.

Limiting access to the grandchild should not be used as a power play move to make a point to the ILs just because her FIL rubs her up the wrong way. If her DH decided he didn't like her mother much, should the OP allow him to dictate how often they could see her DS? Would he be justified in saying 'most of our child's time will be spent with my parents because I find yours rude. I will furnish you with a list of times and dates when you can let your parents see DS.'

No, of course she shouldn't. They should try for a roughly equal split because that's just grown up behaviour, not point scoring.

Yes!
And make sure that he is making the same contributions to a personal pension for you as he’s making to his own. You need the finances to be completely 50/50.

I would tell them that I'll do whatever I like during my holiday with my family, and if that's an issue for them they can fuck off.

But OP's parents may want to spend time with their grandson too. I hope they get to do that