AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

[SeriouslyIsThisBonkers]

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

What has DH said in response? He should have your back, youre a unit.

I also have a rude, opinionated, misogynistic fil so I feel your pain. But my DH dealt with it years ago. He is none of those things (he's nothing like his parents at all thank goodness) and he wouldn't stand for it.
Your DH needs to have your back and do what is best for you and your DC. His parents need to know that they can't boss you about and issue demands.
We stepped back from pil when they behaved like this. Not nc, just kept our distance and DH made sure they knew why. He made it clear to them where his loyalties were and that their behaviour was unacceptable. And that they would be seeing our dc in the future on our terms not theirs.

Absolutely appallingly rude people.
Where is your husband in this?
Allowing them to be so nasty and rude?
He must be a loser and a waster.

In your place I would send the loser husband to them.
I wouldn't see them at all.
They would see their grandson for a couple of hours on one day.

I would block them and not see them again.

Awful people.
I wouldn't remain married to anyone who would accept my being treated like that.

Ah I have a very similar situation with my in-laws. Minus the distance. They want access to my kids because they're THEIR grandchildren, but want nothing to do with me because I'm weird, ignorant, horrible and a shit mum and a million other things. I've never said a bad word to them and always make an effort to be polite but I don't lick their arses and I'm autistic so I'm not their cup of tea. They have been incredibly rude and nasty to me, incredibly.

It's a very simple boundary. They're my children. No one is welcome around my children that doesn't want a relationship with me. End of conversation. DH can see them on his own but he can't take my children to them. If they want that to change they need to apologise for their behaviour and learn some manners.

They don’t get to dote on a child by disrespecting or ignoring the mum
it’s so unbelievably rude of them and giving in it to it gives them more power

As others have said, why has your pathetic husband allowed his parents to treat you like this?

Sorry, but they’d never see my child again if they behaved like that towards me. i would not want those attitudes being desplayed around my child. And as for DH if he didn’t support that - and also told his parents why their behaviour is unacceptable - I’d be questioning my marriage too.

As grandparents, they have absolutely NO right of access or to a relationship with your child. They should be buttering you up to ensure that you are willing to facilitate any relationship. I thank god for my wonderful PiLs every day, but especially when I read these sorts of posts. (Also v grateful that my own parents were not part of my kids lives!)

Read your DH the riot act. However, I wouldn’t be sharing a single bed at your parents with a 9yo child, especially an opposite sex one. That’s really not appropriate now. You’ll need to come up with another plan, or take an inflatable mattress.

I’m of the opinion that your child has no business being around people who don’t like you, no matter the relation.

I think MIL started this sort of snide undermining in my early days with DH.

Appearance isn't important (bat back, research shows minds are made up in the first seconds of meeting)

You're very practical, not academic like my girls (I am, that's why I can cook and clean and funnily enough I've never been skint).

Blah, blah, blah.

I had her measure early on and the DC never stayed at her house and I served it straight back.

She's a lonely old lady now because everyone has her measure.

Hold firm and tell him, you'll bring DS over when it suits all parties and he doesn't like leaving his mum.

I would be telling dh fe gas to sort this by telling his father that the reason you are not staying with them is because if his rude behaviour in the past and that he dictating when he sees your son stops now

he also needs to state that if course you will be coming and will be invited in and his parents will behave or they simply won’t see the grandchikd

just a question though if they want to see the grandchild in their own I assume your dh will also have to leave?

Can you not read ?

But that’s the point- it’s not a misunderstanding that’s been handled badly. That suggests it’s people with good intentions who have just expressed themselves badly, or made a mis-step. Calling it a case of being “handled badly” is minimising an obvious and deliberate cruel attack on the OP. The in-laws have said they want no relationship with her and called her a “silly little girl”. That’s far more than “handling it badly.”

@rubyslippers I had similar with my in laws. You have a choice, make a fuss, stress yourself out, lay down lines - or you can ignore, just let DH get on with it. The easy option was letting DH deal with it. My DC worked out what the situation was, and were able to express some interesting views on how to deal with situations. They also made decisions about what kind of people they wanted to be.

All this was minimum stress for me, in fact I got a few nice relaxing weekends on my own.

What has your husband said and done about all this? What an absolute bell end fil is 🤯

Nobody with such disrespect towards me would be seeing my ds..
Tell dh of he wants his dps to see his dc he needs to go find a new dw and have more dc... Imagine the poison they could drip to your dc about you. Unacceptable imo .

Having just been out (not UK time zone), for those saying come back to the thread...

DH is at the depressed miserable stage of saying "it's all so dysfunctional" but not actually standing up to his parents at all. They say jump, he says "how high". I've told him repeatedly over the years about all the rudeness, which is always delivered when he's elsewhere (PIL know exactly what they're doing). He's been present for some of the points where I've been told I am a silly little girl.

Yes, he's a wet weekend around his parents, and no, he doesn't have my back, he's too busy trying to keep his job and keep his arsehole parents happy. However, I'm also now completely dependent on him given that I'm stuck homeschooling DS, so what choice do I have?

Lose both your passports oops then do something nice instead

Now they don't get to see him at all

I just wouldn't go. Let DH facilitate any visits.

So let him deal with it. If he’s going to be a wet weekend let him do it where you can’t see. It must be awful to have awful parents you don’t need it pointed out. Off you go DH and DS have a nice day I’ve got a book to read. Problem solved.
If you engage demand boundaries, want words said it’s just too much effort. Now if they lived near you or were in your life regularly then you need to fight, but they aren’t. Enjoy your parents in peace, he actually has way the worse hand.

I would not leave my child with people like that without me to supervise!

Are these people mad?
And is DH saying about all this? Your FIL is calling you a little girl. Is DH defending you?

Please stop being polite to their rudeness. I know it can be uncomfortable, but you need to match their energy. As you can see, you get called rude regardless.

But really I am blaming your DH because there’s no way they would be speaking to you like this if he wasn’t telling them off.

The choice you have is to take back control. If you DH is unable to do it then just say no.

No, DS won’t be delivered as per their schedule.
No, DS will not be left alone with them (unless it works for you of course).
No, you won’t be entering into an argument about it either by text or email.

Your DH remains the passenger, leave him to deal with them.

I think I would just say to the ILs that you have decided to stay with your parents as they are not rude to you; and if ILs want to see GS to just pop over there.

Just don't have any truck with this stuff - take control! Why would you put up with it? You don't have to.

If you gave him an ultimatum, you or his dad, he would choose his dad?