AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

[SeriouslyIsThisBonkers]

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

I'd tell the old twat to fuck himself. Seriously.

You seem to have just brushed past OP's FIL's rudeness and sense of entitlement. This isn't a child custody arrangement where 50/50 contact is the norm. I assume that when the whole family used to stay with FIL when they visited, OP's parents didn't start demanding 50/50 time alone with her child, sending OP's DH rude messages.

OP's DH should have shut down his dad's misogynist comments to his wife when they were staying with him in previous years. I'm not sure why you think that OP has handled this badly. She has remained polite and reasonable, her FIL certainly has not.

What’s your son going to gain from spending time with this man?

This.

I wholeheartedly agree with the pp who said get to relationship counselling this is not acceptable at all.
I wouldnt divide your son up like this , just do what you want and ignore and don't engage with fil. You don't tell people like that your plans .

OP why is your DH allowing his parents to treat you like this????!

Honestly, it all sounds so toxic and not a suitable environment for a child to experience.

If DH does not stand up for you I'd be reconsidering the marriage full stop. Awful behaviour by FIL and should be shut down immediately. Compromises can be reached, but DH can organise that, and eat his father alive for his denigration of you, and his jackboot dictats.

You child needs to be protected from this. Full stop.

Again very good advice.

Yeah, he wouldn’t be spending a single moment with my son and I’d be rethinking my marriage if DH didn’t back me up. I cannot believe he’s tolerated his dad treating you this appallingly over years. Have a lovely holiday with your parents! Consider yourself free of having anything to do with your husband’s parents from now on.

Fuck them. Nobody gets access to my child while insulting me. Stay at your parents, and tell dh he can divorce you or his parents can meet you both in a public place and be polite or that’s it. But you won’t stay married with a man who okays his parents treating you like that and doesn’t stand up for you. Treat ds’s mum like shit = no grandchild for you. That’s basic.

Where is your husband in all this???!! Your husband's Dad is rude/nasty towards you and treats you like the 'brainless silly woman' at home. Your husband should be defending you, and putting in boundaries with his parents.

I understand that you don't want to stay with his parents. Just because you usually stay with his parents, why can't you rent a Airbnb instead, so the three of you are together? I appreciate it might cost money, but it would give a united front to his parents. Instead you/son are staying with your parents and your husband with his. That's created the divide between you, and his parents are using that to their advantage.

Your FIL clearly dislikes you, that is now abundantly obvious. He thinks your husband could have married better. However, why are you facilitating the relationship between your son and your husband's parents?! Your FIL doesn't get to make demands!

Op however I've read many times on here that it's the in laws dream to get the GC without the pesky mum ,yes. Including my own.

I would even say the visit is cancelled to him due to his unacceptable communications and total lack of disrespect to the boys mum.

Wow! What a rude man.

what is your dh saying about all of it? My dh would have spoken to his father because he knows if he doesn’t deal with it I will and I have as much tact as a bull in a china shop!

for what it’s worth my in-laws have never spent time with our children without one of us being there, they have different ideas on how to bring up children to us, they feed them too much chocolate and snacks, (we could be there for hours and they wouldn’t suggest feeding them only tea and biscuits would be offered) they have a temperamental dog and both smoked when our children were younger.

To be clear, I mean you do nothing to arrange any meet up, your ds goes nowhere near their house, if your dh arranges a public meet up and tells them to behave you will attend, if his dad is rude then you and ds leave immediately and he sees ds again after his massive apology or after the divorce, because if your dh wants to stay married he needs to back you up.

However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

Your husband is a total melt if he's been present for all this and has said nothing. My MIL once thought she could get away with being rude to me, her son made it very VERY clear that she was out of line and he wasn't going to accept it. Yours should have done too, why isn't he defending you?

Not a chance would I be allowing this waste of skin FIL to see anything of my kid, he would no doubt be expressing his horrible opinions to him too. People who spread poison will find they've killed everything around them (like their relationships with other people...)

Oh come on. If they want to spend more time with the DGC who isn’t staying with them, there are better ways of doing it than calling the mum names, excluding her and “demanding delivery” of the child. It’s pure power play.

PIL are being very rude. However, is there not a little bit of you that would like not seeing them? Send DS off with DH and have a nice afternoon with your parents or relax a bit. It might make it easier if you are not around and you get to not see them.

Im assuming DH is a competent father and PIL dote on your child.

Any response from your husband that isn't "You've driven Seriously away with your constant rudeness, and the consequence is that you'll see your grandson less. It's up to you whether you want to fix it" isn't good enough.

Really hurtful and rude leave dh to deal with them .

When my FIL finally overstepped in a massive way, it had been building with subtle undermining but then became an obvious in my face situation where he belittled me as a silly girl (I was 32) I walked out of their house with toddler Ds and Dh was right behind me.

He basically told his Dad that no one speaks to his wife like that and he would choose me every single time. MIL who was lovely was devastated that his actions had brought this about, we would never have stopped MIL seeing Ds.

Quite frankly considering the attitude of your FIL it would be a cold day in hell before he saw my child again. How can your Dh stand by whilst his Dad treats you like that and expects you to allow your child to spend time with a grandparent who openly despises his Mother? I will tell you as a child who was put in this situation and had a grandparent mouth off about my parent I wish the parent who took me to see them had a spine.

Hence why I put it had been handled badly!

Did I say it was Op who has handled it badly?

You have a DH problem. He should not be allowing his parents to speak to you like this nor allowing them to call the shots on seeing your DS.

I wouldn't ever want to see them again

This.

You know its not normal. Trust your gut. Dont be a doormat to them, tell them to fuck off.

What?