Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unconvinced and confused by DP’s defence of strange item I found

237 replies

HanhanJ · Yesterday 09:56

DP moved in with me about 4/5 months ago. He was living in a house owned/shared with his ex previously (long story, but they had been over quite a long time before and weren’t living there at the same time at the end).

We are going on holiday this weekend, and I was trying to find a certain bag for hand luggage last night. It wasn’t where it’s usually kept, so I looked at the top shelf of DP’s wardrobe to try to find it. He keeps his overnight bag in there for work, and his gym bag. I moved these to look behind it and there was a sort of drawstring bag I didn’t recognise. I moved this down too to clear the space, and noticed it was slightly heavy so looked inside it. There was a sort of wearable leather ‘harness’ which clearly contained a space for presumably a toy to be attached.

I asked him what this was doing in the wardrobe, he calmly answered to say he had no idea and hasn’t seen it before, and that he’d not used that bag since moving in which is why it was at the back of the shelf. I brought it up again a bit later, he then suggested his ex must have ‘planted’ it in the bag when he was preparing to move out.

I am unconvinced, does anyone really think this is plausible? No issues with him before this or reasons previously not to trust him btw.

OP posts:
Northermcharn · Yesterday 19:48

gardenhedge · Yesterday 19:40

I mean you can say all that and believe it with all your heart but my ex was keen on doggy style, then on butt plugs, then on pegging and guess what - turned out I was conveniently fulfilling all his gay fantasies while naively believing all that stuff about better orgasms.

Unfortunately he kept the lie and pretence that he was straight up for 20 years, so I spent half my life in a sham marriage.

Yes ..

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · Yesterday 19:50

Northermcharn · Yesterday 17:17

Technically

A man liking something up his bum doesn't make him gay.

Neverwatchedgameofthrones · Yesterday 19:53

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

SpidersAreShitheads · Yesterday 20:35

WonderingWanda · Yesterday 18:07

I suspect given the tone of your posts "I'll be questioning him again" and "it's inappropriate of him to bring this into my home" that you didn't approach this gentle and are not open to this sort of sex toy? Or is it that you think he is cheating? Either way, demanding to know about something like this is unlikely to invoke an honest response. A more gentle "No judgement, accidentally found this and am open to taking about it" might get a better response.

I think this post ^^ nails it.

OP has been very strident about the audacity of her DP daring to bring that into her house - so colour me unsurprised that he’s not been honest about it.

Imagine if he rifled through her knicker drawer and starting demanding an explanation for her dildos…

That kind of harness isn’t cheap so he probably didn’t want to bin it, especially if he thinks there’s a chance he might use it again one day. And he’s allowed to have personal items - just because he’s moved into your house OP doesn’t mean you get to decide what he’s allowed to keep!! He had it tucked away discreetly, if he wanted to keep it, what was he supposed to do - bury it in the garden?! 😂 You’re being very controlling here.

All this talk of “questioning him again” is exactly why he hasn’t been honest in the first place. He’s probably just embarrassed and needs to know he can be honest without fear of judgement or reprisals.

HanhanJ · Yesterday 21:52

As many of you predicted, he has now admitted it belongs to him and he was embarrassed when I found it so lied 🙄

He is now really apologetic for bringing it into my home and I think he realises just how disrespectful he has been.

He says his ex got him in to it as she was ‘utter filth’ but he didn’t want to bring it up with me until we were a good couple of years in just incase I didn’t approve…

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · Yesterday 21:53

HanhanJ · Yesterday 21:52

As many of you predicted, he has now admitted it belongs to him and he was embarrassed when I found it so lied 🙄

He is now really apologetic for bringing it into my home and I think he realises just how disrespectful he has been.

He says his ex got him in to it as she was ‘utter filth’ but he didn’t want to bring it up with me until we were a good couple of years in just incase I didn’t approve…

How has he been disrespectful?

HanhanJ · Yesterday 21:55

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · Yesterday 21:53

How has he been disrespectful?

Bringing a sex toy used with an ex into a new partners home (with the intention of proposing to use it), and then telling an outright lie about it when questioned is pretty disrespectful, in my book.

OP posts:
Flamingojune · Yesterday 21:55

Ah it was his ex's idea to peg him

TheThingOnTheIce · Yesterday 21:58

HanhanJ · Yesterday 21:55

Bringing a sex toy used with an ex into a new partners home (with the intention of proposing to use it), and then telling an outright lie about it when questioned is pretty disrespectful, in my book.

I agree op
i wouldn’t be happy either

Northermcharn · Yesterday 21:58

Flamingojune · Yesterday 21:55

Ah it was his ex's idea to peg him

Stare Judging You GIF

Yeah because apparently 'she was ‘utter filth’

Typical woman I guess

obsessional · Yesterday 21:59

I think the thing that would annoy me the most about this new exchange is how he referred to his ex. That’s not cool.

Northermcharn · Yesterday 22:02

*Pretty sure this is a fake thread but it's fun to play along on a Friday home alone!

Dizzydrizzy · Yesterday 22:04

HanhanJ · Yesterday 21:52

As many of you predicted, he has now admitted it belongs to him and he was embarrassed when I found it so lied 🙄

He is now really apologetic for bringing it into my home and I think he realises just how disrespectful he has been.

He says his ex got him in to it as she was ‘utter filth’ but he didn’t want to bring it up with me until we were a good couple of years in just incase I didn’t approve…

Utter filth? Seriously dump him. Disgusting human.

Survivalandthriving · Yesterday 22:07

Flamingojune · Yesterday 21:55

Ah it was his ex's idea to peg him

This. Really. Throw this one back.

Sisublondie · Yesterday 22:11

Northermcharn · Yesterday 22:02

*Pretty sure this is a fake thread but it's fun to play along on a Friday home alone!

Ditto! But I’m just 🍿……….🙀😹!

He actually sounds like my friends Ex-H. But it was him who made her wear it as otherwise “ it showed she didn’t love him enough”. She finally kicked him to the kerb ( he wanted to keep the paraphernalia, too!) and she met a lovely bloke who was happy to do just what she was happy to do!

pizzaHeart · Yesterday 22:13

Owl55 · Yesterday 10:21

Tell him it’s no problem , if it’s not his it must be his ex’s and you’ll drop it off for her !

Great idea! ^

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · Yesterday 22:14

The lying is unacceptable. If he can’t admit to even owning a strap on harness when he’s found to have one in his bag why on earth does he think he’d have honest enough communication down the line be able to propose using one at some point? Also, no doubt you’ve considered this but given that he’s into being pegged, you’d surely need to be into it too? Or you might have a scenario where he sulks or gets frustrated if you aren’t because his ex did it 🙄

manateeplushie · Yesterday 22:15

referring to a woman as 'utter filth' for having a fairly common kink that he definitely wasn't at all into and kept the paraphernalia for... what a charmer

TheThingOnTheIce · Yesterday 22:15

I’m not convinced it is a fake thread . I mean who knows. But if I made a full thread about my ex I’m sure I’d have ppl telling me it was fake too . I was half expecting to find exactly what op had found at some point but I didn’t go looking .

HanhanJ · Yesterday 22:17

TheThingOnTheIce · Yesterday 22:15

I’m not convinced it is a fake thread . I mean who knows. But if I made a full thread about my ex I’m sure I’d have ppl telling me it was fake too . I was half expecting to find exactly what op had found at some point but I didn’t go looking .

Ha! If I was going to make something up I would like to think I’d have the imagination to ensure it would be a lot more ‘juicy’ than this.

OP posts:
Northermcharn · Yesterday 22:18

HanhanJ · Yesterday 22:17

Ha! If I was going to make something up I would like to think I’d have the imagination to ensure it would be a lot more ‘juicy’ than this.

It's got the bare bones to be juicy, depends what happens next.. Let us know!

HanhanJ · Yesterday 22:21

Northermcharn · Yesterday 22:18

It's got the bare bones to be juicy, depends what happens next.. Let us know!

Nothing exciting so far I’m afraid, he’s upstairs whilst I’m enjoying a glass of wine with some trashy tv!

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · Yesterday 22:21

HanhanJ · Yesterday 22:17

Ha! If I was going to make something up I would like to think I’d have the imagination to ensure it would be a lot more ‘juicy’ than this.

At the time I did make a thread . About the woman I now think is his dominatrix leaving her house to him with a clause to exclude any future spouse and had plenty of people say I was practicing my creative writing . I didn’t however include a mountain of other details which would have really made ppl think I was making it up .

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · Today 08:22

manateeplushie · Yesterday 22:15

referring to a woman as 'utter filth' for having a fairly common kink that he definitely wasn't at all into and kept the paraphernalia for... what a charmer

Yes, and on top of the obvious misogyny, WHY did he keep this harness?

It seems he decided to not be upfront about his kink and instead is biding his time until he's got his feet well under her table and OP is trapped before he drops his mask and starts pressurising her into sexual acts that she doesn't want.

It's one thing to enjoy pegging and quite another to manipulate and coerce someone into doing it to them.

OP, if you're into pegging, fine, but this guy has now lied twice AND blamed his ex in a really misogynistic way (SHE is "filthy"?!). He could well be keeping a mask up, meaning you don't really know who he is. This is a very common refrain of women about men who turn into abusers or lazy selfish sods: "he was so lovely in the beginning but now ...".

Keep your wits about you.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Today 09:25

He's still lying. How exactly did she 'get him into' pegging? Tie him down? If they only tried it once and he wasn't sure, why would he keep the harness?

He was the driving force there, and he's deflecting like hell. And calling her 'utter filth'? Someone he presumably loved enough in the past to live with?

I'm sure he's appearing to be your perfect man, but I don't think he'll keep it up much longer (pun not intended).

Swipe left for the next trending thread