Unconvinced and confused by DP’s defence of strange item I found

[HanhanJ]

DP moved in with me about 4/5 months ago. He was living in a house owned/shared with his ex previously (long story, but they had been over quite a long time before and weren’t living there at the same time at the end).

We are going on holiday this weekend, and I was trying to find a certain bag for hand luggage last night. It wasn’t where it’s usually kept, so I looked at the top shelf of DP’s wardrobe to try to find it. He keeps his overnight bag in there for work, and his gym bag. I moved these to look behind it and there was a sort of drawstring bag I didn’t recognise. I moved this down too to clear the space, and noticed it was slightly heavy so looked inside it. There was a sort of wearable leather ‘harness’ which clearly contained a space for presumably a toy to be attached.

I asked him what this was doing in the wardrobe, he calmly answered to say he had no idea and hasn’t seen it before, and that he’d not used that bag since moving in which is why it was at the back of the shelf. I brought it up again a bit later, he then suggested his ex must have ‘planted’ it in the bag when he was preparing to move out.

I am unconvinced, does anyone really think this is plausible? No issues with him before this or reasons previously not to trust him btw.

I find it odd that he seemed to think that the MOST likely explanation (whether he genuinely believed it or just hoped that YOU would) was that his ex had planted it. I'd have found it a lot more plausible if he'd said that was his bag but the item in it was not; he'd packed quickly when moving and when unpacking after the move and hadn't realised that there was something inside that bag that wasn't his. Or that he had thought that the bag belonged to him but now he realises he must have taken a similar looking bag by accident.

Whether or not I think it's probably his harness and whether or not that would bother me, I don't like the fact that he immediately moved to blame his ex (not sure what the motive would even be?) rather than taking responsibility or just saying he didn't know what had happened.

You're correct on that of course. That particular sex toy owned by a man in a heterosexual relationship however.

Fancy his ex just happening to have a slightly used sex harness that she had no further use for just hanging about, and she thought “Well, this would be ideal to play a prank on OP and her partner! What larks eh! All I have to do is hide it in a bag that he doesn’t recognise and so will innocently put in the back of the wardrobe without peeping inside.”

Why would owning a pegging harness mean he’s gay? One thing two gay men together don’t suffer from is a dearth of penises.

He isn't officially gay, that's kind of my point. He owns a sex toy which erm.. well you know, he used with his (ex) girlfriend.

Here's the thing: being a gay man isn't about liking something up your arse regardless of who is putting it there. Being a gay man is about finding other men sexually attractive. Not women wearing a dildo. Actual men.

Therefore a man who was gay wouldn't, in fact, want to get pegged at all. A man who is attracted to women but likes anal stuff is a straight man, not a gay man, because it's a woman he wants to get fucked by, not a man.

A lot of men like being penetrated anally because it stimulates the prostate gland and that can be intensely enjoyable. That's a matter of physiology, not sexual orientation. Or they're turned on by having a female partner dominate them. Again, that's not a gay man's impulse. It's a sexually submissive straight man's impulse.

The fact that you immediately think it's suspicious for a heterosexual man to like something just because it involves his arse is a) ignorant and b) exactly the reason why a man like the OP's partner would be embarrassed and tell a lie, rather than just saying 'Yes, that's mine, I tried pegging once'.

Correct. He's not outwardly gay.

My late husband enjoyed pegging and he definitely wasn't gay . He got off on a prostrate massage as he called it .

Ok.

Again, you seem to be under the misapprehension that 'gay' for a man means 'likes things up his arse' rather than 'is sexually attracted to men'.

Gay men aren't attracted to women wearing dildos. They are attracted to other men.

Straight men who like receiving anal sex don't want to be penetrated by other men. They want to be penetrated by women.

A sex toy designed to be used by a woman?

He's not inwardly gay either. He is quite simply not gay.

ok.

Ok - didn't know you knew him!

It is entirely plausible that he just didn't know what to do with it? Like, I guess you're feeling a bit weird that he's used this with another woman - but by the same token, I wouldn't actually know where to get rid of used sex toys I don't think?

And while of course the fact that it's in the wardrobe behind stuff means he knew it was there, it is possible that she wanted to embarrass him - I had a boyfriend who dropped round a bag of stuff when we broke up - handed a clear plastic bag with some PORN VIDEOS in it to my mum! Obviously different situation entirely, but people can be vindictive. The fact it was hidden tells me while it might be true he clearly intercepted it before you could see it.

I feel for both of you, putting myself in either shoes I'd be hideously embarrassed!

(also to someone's 'slightly used sex-harness' comment - it is entirely possible to buy something together as a couple and use it once and never again because you don't like it!)

I guess he's embarrassed that him and his ex did use it. Maybe he's not really into that and would rather not do it again or be reminded that he did. Or he used to be but isn't into it anymore.

If he was into it surely he'd have introduced it, or tried to into your sex life at some point before now. So I'd probably take it something from his past that wasn't really meant for you to see.

The idea his ex 'planted it' is laughable really. But if I were you I'd not shame him nor really try and speak any further about it.

This

Has he given any indication that he's into pegging before you found this?
If he hasn't I'd nearly believe him about the ex sneaking it into his stuff, some people hate to see an ex moving on, even if they themselves didn't want to be in a relationship with the person.

The attachment could have been quite small and used for prostate massage. No more than a finger in the bum which plenty of men & women do. It could have been his Ex’s preference to use a toy instead of her finger.
I wouldn’t read too much into it OP if it hasn’t come up already maybe he’s not that pushed about it.

Tell you are going to message the ex and ask her what’s she’s playing at. YOULL soon see by his face

The ick has entered the chat…

Sorry OP, would not like this at all and I definitely think there is dishonesty here. Impossible to know what is true now.

He's have binned it if his ex had planted it as he said; instead he hid it in the closet.

@HanhanJ

Considering the many tales of exes who have put prawns in curtains, cut up clothing, etc, I'd say there might be an infinitesimal chance it was planted, especially as it appears that he went from 'their' house to yours. But be very cautious about tales of a 'crazy ex'.

I suspect that if it is true, perhaps their relationship hasn't been 'over' for as long as you think it's been and you were the OW. Because if it had been she would probably have been only too glad to see the back of him for such shenanigans. Either that or he was a real shit to her.

So when he moved in & put his stuff away he didn't wonder what was in the bag & then throw it away?

It not being his and all!

i think in all probability its your DPs rather than a vengeful ex.
You could contact the EX asking if she'd like this item she inadvertantly left in your DPs bag returned.
My guess is he lying and he has kept this item that hes possibly used with someone else and brought into your home which is unedifying at the least.
You could say that as it belongs to his EX it should be returned to her .
What does he say should be done with it?