Unconvinced and confused by DP’s defence of strange item I found

[HanhanJ]

DP moved in with me about 4/5 months ago. He was living in a house owned/shared with his ex previously (long story, but they had been over quite a long time before and weren’t living there at the same time at the end).

We are going on holiday this weekend, and I was trying to find a certain bag for hand luggage last night. It wasn’t where it’s usually kept, so I looked at the top shelf of DP’s wardrobe to try to find it. He keeps his overnight bag in there for work, and his gym bag. I moved these to look behind it and there was a sort of drawstring bag I didn’t recognise. I moved this down too to clear the space, and noticed it was slightly heavy so looked inside it. There was a sort of wearable leather ‘harness’ which clearly contained a space for presumably a toy to be attached.

I asked him what this was doing in the wardrobe, he calmly answered to say he had no idea and hasn’t seen it before, and that he’d not used that bag since moving in which is why it was at the back of the shelf. I brought it up again a bit later, he then suggested his ex must have ‘planted’ it in the bag when he was preparing to move out.

I am unconvinced, does anyone really think this is plausible? No issues with him before this or reasons previously not to trust him btw.

I'm talking about the types of sexual things, not individual incidents with partners for the most part, although of course past sexual violence may be relevant too.

But anyway, if pegging was something you enjoyed, why would you want to be with someone who you had to hide that from? I always just think that honesty is the best policy - certainly, actively (but poorly) hiding things and then outright lying about them is not the way to go.

Now, after looking in a simple drawstring bag in her own wardrobe (not breaking open a locked box that says 'keep out!) OP has been lied to, and can't trust her partner properly anymore. If he talks to her openly, she'll still have reason to suspect he's lying and trying to hide things from her. It's very unfortunate.

I find it disturbing there are so many women who believe they have a right to intimate details about their partner's sex life with their exes.

It's an invasion of his privacy and his exes.

As long as he is not pressuring OP to do things she's uncomfortable with, what the device was used for and who with is none of her business.

I can't believe that he unpacked his belongings on moving in, found a bag that he doesn't usually use containing something unusually heavy, and pushed it to the back of the top shelf of his wardrobe without looking in it first. Especially if he believes his ex is the sort of person to plant something compromising in order to cause trouble.

if your sex hfe is ok and he's never made you uncomfortable, so what? He once tried pegging? They did it a lot? So what?

Exactly 👏

You could try having an amnesty. Say you're sorry you put him on the spot about that item in the wardrobe and that you are not surprised if he came up with some random explanation. But now, you would like to hear about why he's kept it and what it means to him.

I think this could be a tricky one to resolve in that case. His explanation doesn’t sound plausible but it will be difficult to be 100% sure this was an item he used with an ex.

Or how about leave his personal items alone?

found a bag that he doesn't usually use containing something unusually heavy

I dunno why there's any focus on this bogus heavy detail. That was merely the OP's feeble excuse for snooping inside a bag she had no business looking in. It was stashed away and closed, but the mere fact that she 'noticed it was slightly heavy' somehow makes it okay for her to look in. I just don't get how it's okay.

And as for being miffed that he's still got something he used with his ex. He used his dick with his ex. Get over it. He's not contaminated the house with ex sex that's gonna infect you. Unless you're very insecure, I don't get the alarm. We all have pasts. Either you trust him or you don't, and his lie and your snooping cancel each other out. Maybe both try to be more open from now on and then you won't have to snoop and he won't have to be embarrassed and fib.

Ordinarily i'd agree. People are allowed a past and a private life (as long as it's not going to affect anyone). The weird part is that he brought it into OPs home.. what was the plan there? I think she is allowed to ask that (and be told the truth). She dosen't necessarily have the right to know all the details.. but i'm pretty sure she's not asking that.

Well the OP's home is his home now and it's his possession. Was he meant to rent a storage unit specially for it? There needn't be any plan beyond it's his and he's hanging onto it because one day he might wanna use it again, or might not. Same as any old thing from the past and private life that we're allowed to have.

And that's fine, but why doesn't he just say that?

That those things are £££, and he doesn't wanna chuck an item worth money that he might want to use again in the future if things don't work out with OP?

What else would the plan be given that he's hidden it away? It's not like she discovered it when he rocked up naked, bar the harness and a giant dildo.

@HanhanJ So how long have you known each other or been together - I'm guessing it's not long but if he moved in 4-5 months ago was that a bit of a rushed event? How well do you really know him? I think it takes quite a while in any serious relationship to really open up your darkest corners to someone. I think it's best just to be honest from the first chance something like this comes up - go hammer it out with him (unfortunate turn of phrase perhaps) and find out where he stands on something like this and maybe you also have to do the same... it could be a weirdly embarrassing conversation but they say stronger things are forged through fire so don't skirt round it - you're both adults and don't have to agree on everything - it just helps to be fully in the picture doesn't it? Good luck anyway. I didn't find the explanation convincing either FWIW

I mean, it is an obvious lie?

He has moved in and specifically brought it with him and then placed it somewhere he clearly thought you wouldn't come across it. The nonsense about it being planted is daft enough but surely even this falls down when you consider that when he was unpacking his own items when he moved in and came across it, he could have simply disposed of it rather than purposefully stashed it away as he's done.

In fact it's more likely his ex is well rid and has likely moved on to a partner that doesn't enjoy pegging so much that they have the required accessories at home. There are much easier ways to try and interfere in someone's relationship that aren't planting sex toys in the slim home they might hang on to them and be found by future partners, presumably though she isn't engaging in any of those behaviours, because its all made up.

Each to their own but I wouldn't be interested in doing this and the lying in itself would put me right off.

That's all fine, but OP is allowed to ask the question: what's this, got any plans luv? And nit be told a load of old shit like she was born yesterday.

Literally ! 💩

No, OP has the right to have it discussed beforehand if he wants to use it/similar items with her. She does not have the right to details about his sex life with prior lovers or items he is holding onto just in case, until and unless he wants to use them with her.

And lie.

All fair and well but his first goto was to blame the ex...

Forget the lie, forget the shame, forget the situation. His immediate goto is to create a fiction where his ex planted it to cause issue for him; thats a character trait.

He didnt say ah its nothing or ah its just something I tried once or it was bought for John's stag ill get rid of it.... his immediate was to shift the blame to someone else (am thinking that there's also something revealing about him blaming the ex too but i cant put it to words...)

My ex planted it there... she went to the trouble of buying it to cause problems because shes a crazy ex (because hes never seen it before despite it being in his stuff he brought)

Thats flying a red flag about responsibility for sure! He doesnt take responsibility, he deflects blame (to the crazy ex). Someone else will probably be able to verbalise it better but for me its devious.

In the near future when he doesnt want to do something, it'll be 'er indoors won't let me... leopard with his spots type character trait he's shown you there.

Let it go if you choose, but its a flag hes showing you and at some point down the line you'll be asking what were the signs and this is one.

Yeah, it's strange. Especially the focus on looking at something in their shared house, as though it's a crime. I don't have anything I don't want my DH to see, or vice versa - it seems odd that people think it's normal to ban someone from looking in random bags in their house because their partner might be keeping a secret from them. As I said in a previous comment, it's not as though it was locked away securely either.

Obviously he doesn't have to give her the details on his usage of it, but surely if they're in a committed relationship, living together, then he should be able to be truthful with her that it's past sex equipment of his, and be honest about whether or not he might ever want to use it with her. It's a shame he lied, as now OP knows she can't trust him to be honest.

I didn't think it needed saying again as umpteen people already have stated the obvious that he was embarrassed to be put on the spot by OP, who is clearly not chill about it. If he'd sensed it was fine with her, he might've just said that.

It's his personal item. If he hasn't made any mention of it or suggested you use it, it's really none of OP's business. People are allowed to have parts of their lives, especially lives with past partners, private and separate from new partners.

And he probably lied because he was embarrassed about it.

Have you ever considered he might be gay? Have a think.

FFS. Owning a sex toy does not make anyone gay.