Unconvinced and confused by DP’s defence of strange item I found

[HanhanJ]

DP moved in with me about 4/5 months ago. He was living in a house owned/shared with his ex previously (long story, but they had been over quite a long time before and weren’t living there at the same time at the end).

We are going on holiday this weekend, and I was trying to find a certain bag for hand luggage last night. It wasn’t where it’s usually kept, so I looked at the top shelf of DP’s wardrobe to try to find it. He keeps his overnight bag in there for work, and his gym bag. I moved these to look behind it and there was a sort of drawstring bag I didn’t recognise. I moved this down too to clear the space, and noticed it was slightly heavy so looked inside it. There was a sort of wearable leather ‘harness’ which clearly contained a space for presumably a toy to be attached.

I asked him what this was doing in the wardrobe, he calmly answered to say he had no idea and hasn’t seen it before, and that he’d not used that bag since moving in which is why it was at the back of the shelf. I brought it up again a bit later, he then suggested his ex must have ‘planted’ it in the bag when he was preparing to move out.

I am unconvinced, does anyone really think this is plausible? No issues with him before this or reasons previously not to trust him btw.

So when he moved in with you the bag came with him, but he didn't know what was inside a quite heavy bag, didn't look to see what it was but put it at the back of his wardrobe...

Nope! And while it might be something he likes, fair enough, the obvious lie would bother me.

Your man is into pegging!!!! It would have only been a matter of time until you were introduced to it

The toy isn’t the problem it’s the lying omfg what a creep just own it!

Why doesn’t he throw it out then? Does he expect to use a second hand sex aid with you? Hard fuck no to that.

Well I wouldn't say it was a reason not to trust him, but that really is a terrible lie - putting the blame on his ex (presumably because you have absolutely no contact with her and no chance to ask). His calmness in the face of discovery might mean that he is really good at lying 'off the cuff' though, which might be something to watch out for going forward.

My only other theory would be - are the wardrobes new and did you build them yourself? Because if something had got pushed right to the very back of a top shelf by a previous owner/occupant (of the house, not the wardrobe) it might have belonged to them? But this is grasping at such feeble straws that it's a very fragile alternative.

He's clearly lying.
I wouldn't be impressed.

The OP seems to suggest that the bag belonged to her DP, though, as he said he’d not used it since moving in? Otherwise that would seem perfectly plausible.

Op each to their own but I had issues with my ex like this. Me finding this kind of stuff and him telling really shit lies . It’s the lies . In the end I couldn’t trust a word he said as, well he was a lier. Finding used bondage tape was the last straw for me.

I wouldn’t accept that bullshit.

He put the bag in the top of the wardrobe, knowing what it contained. It would be weird to put the bag up there not knowing what it contained. He knew IMO.

Well the most likely answer is this is his and he likes certain sex acts which isn't wrong but the lying is the problem and I wouldn't be happy living with someone who can lie like that to me face.

It’s the lies not what’s in the bag. As well as the blame game.

So he has lied about never seeing it before we know that because he moved the bag into the house no way would he not know or check what’s in it.

Then he has blamed his ex ontop of the lie, now even if true he would have got rid of it not kept it. So another lie while blaming other people.

Spot on
i wish my ex had just been honest with me
although in my case I wasn’t convinced other people weren’t involved and I simply couldn’t trust him after the lies

@Sesquioxides omg I'm laughing so hard at your description 😁🤣🤣🤣

I don't think it necessarily means he's cheating on you, but there's no way on earth that he's never seen that harness before.

It probably just means his ex used to peg him.

That wouldn't bother me at all. But if he's aware that it would bother you, it's not surprising that he's incredibly embarrassed by it and making up fibs to cover for it.

No way would I hang one of my bags up in a wardrobe without having a look what was inside it even just out of interest . Not buying it

Is he a known liar?

Well I know but I'm not actually saying he is a psychopath, just giving a balanced view of why one night lie so well and easily 😅

So who carried the bag into the house with the object in? You say it was heavy, so he must have realised something was in it.

eugh flashbacks to all the times my ex calmly bullshitted me and talked to me like a child , for stuff such as asking to explain why he has cockrings in his pocket. Him telling ME I was trying to gaslight HIM. That weird calm lying through teeth turns my stomach

Legal serial preferences: fine. Immediately lying and blaming his ex: not so good. What will he be blamint you for in his (inevitable) next relationship?

This is still a relatively new relationship (or at least the living together part is), so while the lying isn't great, I think he probably just panicked because he doesn't want to scare you off. I think I'd say something like I'm not going to share a sex toy so let's get rid of it, but you don't need to lie to me about what you like, let me know when you want to talk about it. Etc

He hasn't really lied easily, has he? The story he came up with is completely unbelievable. Also, would a psychopath bother lying, given that they don't feel shame?

I actually think the lie is understandable. He was put on the spot about something he finds very embarrassing by his new love interest.

@HanhanJ If it is really bothering you, set aside some time to talk calmly and tell him you know what it is and that he doesn't need to feel ashamed. Personally, unless you suspect he's cheating, I'd just leave it and move on.

Much more likely he and ex were into "pegging" and when they split as those things were inserted in him they were put with his stuff.

I mean there are variables but id be convinced someone was pegging him

He could be into things he has not discussed with you, but Mumsnet is quite rightly big on the right to disclose or not disclose your past sexual history. Also mentioned a lot is that something you enjoyed with one partner, you don't have to enjoy with a new partner.

There is a chance that if it is his and someone hasn't planted it, he may have gone along with something he wasn't comfortable with to please his ex. He certainly won't be the first to have done that.

If my new DP found a sex toy that I was a bit embarrassed about, I’d probably make up a not-very-convincing lie on the spot too! Just because he has the toy, doesn’t mean that he is actually all that keen on using it. Lots of people have tried various things in their past. I don’t think there is an obligation to disclose your entire sexual history to a partner.

Shit lie and, why lie?

'Oh thats something the ex liked, I'll bin it, ew'.

No big deal.

But 'oh no ive never seen that before she MUST have planted it to be malicious'... Nah. Big red flag.