Unconvinced and confused by DP’s defence of strange item I found

[HanhanJ]

DP moved in with me about 4/5 months ago. He was living in a house owned/shared with his ex previously (long story, but they had been over quite a long time before and weren’t living there at the same time at the end).

We are going on holiday this weekend, and I was trying to find a certain bag for hand luggage last night. It wasn’t where it’s usually kept, so I looked at the top shelf of DP’s wardrobe to try to find it. He keeps his overnight bag in there for work, and his gym bag. I moved these to look behind it and there was a sort of drawstring bag I didn’t recognise. I moved this down too to clear the space, and noticed it was slightly heavy so looked inside it. There was a sort of wearable leather ‘harness’ which clearly contained a space for presumably a toy to be attached.

I asked him what this was doing in the wardrobe, he calmly answered to say he had no idea and hasn’t seen it before, and that he’d not used that bag since moving in which is why it was at the back of the shelf. I brought it up again a bit later, he then suggested his ex must have ‘planted’ it in the bag when he was preparing to move out.

I am unconvinced, does anyone really think this is plausible? No issues with him before this or reasons previously not to trust him btw.

The initial lie when put on the spot wouldn’t bother me too much, because embarrassment does that. And the fact he has the item, and a kink, is a non issue really.

But the fact he blamed the ex in that manner and then went on to describe her as being “utter filth” (for apparently being into something that he’s actually clearly into himself as he kept it and thought he might suggest it to you one day)?! Those are definitely red flags.

I don't like the way he spoke about the ex but OP's behaviour doesn't cover her in glory either, going through his personal items behind his back, repeatedly quizzing him about something personal he clearly didn't want to discuss and saying he disrepected her house for bringing in something he used with his ex...

Sounds like OP and her partner deserve each other, imo.

It IS her house and she should NEVER be giving that up for a man. And he's turned out to be a revolting misogynist. And she didn't go through his stuff, that's ridiculous.

No, it's their home. I agree she shouldn't give up her legal claim to the property this early in the relationship, but whilst they are living there together, it is their shared home, and he has a right to privacy and to be allowed his own belongings while he is living there.

Surely the kink is his? But had no idea it was 'fairly common', thats if it is

So he moved into your home and completely disrepected you by bringing sex parafanalia into your home that he used with his ex. You have a cocklodger OP. I'd be putting this one back in the swamp.

It goes both ways, and while it isn't necessarily happening in bedrooms everywhere, it's also not exactly the rarest of kinks to have - I've seen far odder on this site alone!

Why, are you male?

Look elsewhere for your tank fodder please.

Ah yes, woman who responds negatively to a query from a man must be getting no action.

That confirms my suspicions.

If he wanted to keep his harness private, he shouldn't have put it where OP would easily stumble onto it when looking for something.

"We are going on holiday this weekend, and I was trying to find a certain bag for hand luggage last night. It wasn’t where it’s usually kept, so I looked at the top shelf of DP’s wardrobe to try to find it. He keeps his overnight bag in there for work, and his gym bag. I moved these to look behind it and there was a sort of drawstring bag I didn’t recognise. I moved this down too to clear the space, and noticed it was slightly heavy so looked inside it."

If he didn't want it found, he should have put it in a sealed box in the cellar or attic, not in a relatively communal space. Or he should have told her beforehand that he prefers her not to go into his cupboard.

In any case, this is all irrelevant. What IS relevant is that:

• he lied not just once but twice
• he lied instantly with such a straight calm face that OP almost bought the lie (which suggests that he lies readily)
• he literally tried to to blame his apparently magically inclined ex-wife for planting the harness to cause trouble between him and OP
• he literally blamed his ex-wife for him hanging onto a pegging harness (strange that he kept it if he didn't like it)
• he called his ex-wife "utter filth" for his own predilections. Hmm, men blaming women for their own actions, where have I heard that before? Adam, Eve, and the apple spring to mind. Also, "what was she wearing?"

He's a misogynist and a liar.

So, "she was utter filth"

still a massive red flag that its all her fault, shes "utter filth", he could have not said that. He could have just kept it to "yeah its mine", why the disrespectful comments?

He lacks accountability. He shifts blame, hes a walking red flag.

His calling her utter filth is such a vile red flag.

OP, you need to decide if you are happy to be with a low class man that describes women in such terms.

He's the dregs.
Decide if you want the dregs living with you.

Yes. It is actually so vile. All in all he sounds repugnant

Utter filth??!!

Speechless.

He says his ex got him in to it as she was ‘utter filth’ but he didn’t want to bring it up with me until we were a good couple of years in just incase I didn’t approve…

She's filth but he's going to wait until his feet are firmly under the table before spring it on you. Amazing. Filth when she does it, harmless fun when he wants it eh?

These kinds of women hating men aren't lonely enough.

Ask him to return it to his ex if it's not his.
To be continued.

Do you have the ick?

OK, I was initally sympathetic to him but the utter filth comment has given me major misgivings

Utter filth is a term that isn't usually used disparagingly! It's like "dirty cow" or "lucky f**er", the noun is not intended as a pejorative and it's often said affectionately. Is everyone in this thread 90? I'm completely mystified by the idea that him saying this must mean he's a misogynist.

Huh? I'm 41 and I have only ever heard the phrase 'utter filth' used in a disrespectful way; like a bloke might congratulate his mate for shagging a girl because he's heard she is 'utter filth' but you'd never hear anyone say "Your girlfriend is utter filth" or "Your sister is utter filth" unless you were trying to be disrespectful.

Different saying it to someone affectionately and saying it about them to someone else. I highly doubt it was being used in anything other than a perjorative way in this discussion.

But in the context of a discovered strap on it’s pretty inescapable that it means “kinky person” (the more common use of it nowadays) and not anything insulting. Especially if he’s in possession of the item! Utter filth isn’t used to say someone’s a slapper even, nowadays it does quite specifically mean someone very horny with kinky tastes. Yes it would be impolite to say it to someone about their sister but not because it’s a pejorative, it’s just obviously rude in the same way it would be rude to say “your sister is top tier in bed”.