Unconvinced and confused by DP’s defence of strange item I found

[HanhanJ]

DP moved in with me about 4/5 months ago. He was living in a house owned/shared with his ex previously (long story, but they had been over quite a long time before and weren’t living there at the same time at the end).

We are going on holiday this weekend, and I was trying to find a certain bag for hand luggage last night. It wasn’t where it’s usually kept, so I looked at the top shelf of DP’s wardrobe to try to find it. He keeps his overnight bag in there for work, and his gym bag. I moved these to look behind it and there was a sort of drawstring bag I didn’t recognise. I moved this down too to clear the space, and noticed it was slightly heavy so looked inside it. There was a sort of wearable leather ‘harness’ which clearly contained a space for presumably a toy to be attached.

I asked him what this was doing in the wardrobe, he calmly answered to say he had no idea and hasn’t seen it before, and that he’d not used that bag since moving in which is why it was at the back of the shelf. I brought it up again a bit later, he then suggested his ex must have ‘planted’ it in the bag when he was preparing to move out.

I am unconvinced, does anyone really think this is plausible? No issues with him before this or reasons previously not to trust him btw.

Oh bless him that's a terrible lie.

A man moves into the OP's home and brings something really dodgy with him

It's a sex toy, not a kilo of heroin.

This has got me thinking, what excuses would cover, let’s say, a 10 inch vibrating dildo?

I’m thinking it might possible to pass off as an electric stirring device for making soup? Or a back massager?

Asking for a friend.

I agree with this. He'd have been baffled and confused and then angry if he thought his ex had done it!

But the fact that he's kept the harness indicates that he wants to do it again - with OP presumably, unless he's already planning on leaving her. So it's rather silly to lie. Unless he's planning on doing it behind her back with someone else.

If it's something he likes and wants to do again and OP is put off by it, then it's better they both know that sooner rather than later, surely? Honesty is always the best policy.

Frankly, it seems strange to me to want to be with someone you feel you have to hide part of your sexual self and history from (not that people want a play-by-play of course, just anything that may be important to your current relationship).

Is there also a chance that he could have been using the harness with a cock extension sleeve? It's perfectly reasonable to think that his ex may have liked big dicks, in which case, how does he explain that if you are happy with his size or if he had insecurities with his previous partner? Or she just liked a bigger boy!!

Obvs if you update your DP is packing, then that's not the reason, but just thought I throw it out there? Amongst all the horror that he god forbid like bum stuff.

No, it doesn’t sound plausible but equally I wouldn’t hold it against someone for lying on this situation when they felt caught out and embarrassed.

The crucial question is how do you feel about him having used it in the past? I personally wouldn’t be particularly bothered although I suppose I’d need to have a think about whether this was something I’d be prepared to be ‘involved in’ in the future and how important it was to him.

What’s your actual issue? The lying or the item?

Nothing from my past relationships is relevant to my current one. I have never talked to my DP about anything sexual I have done with other people and I really wouldn’t want to hear anything he’s done or consider it relevant. If he’s engaged in pegging with an ex, it’s not my business. It baffles me that there are so many people who think that someone is a liar or a sociopath unless they open up about their entire sexual history.

The lie honestly wouldn't bother me that much.
It's embarrassing to be found out, I can imagine myself quickly making something (unconvincing) up.
Him liking to be pegged would bother me more, as I'd be worried he'd want me to do it to him at some point.
Which explains why he probably lied.

My guess is that it’s his, used by him and his ex
I think he lied because he could see your revulsion about it and panicked.
Im not sure how he could divulged that information to you, it’s not something that crops up over dinner.
What he got up to in his previous consenting relationship isn’t really anyone else’s business as long as the behaviours haven’t put other people at risk.
Pegging isn’t something I’d want to take part in, that’s not to say I judge others that do.
If I had found the bag, I would have looked in it too, call it snooping or curiosity and asked him about it, not in a ‘what is this disgusting thing’ way
but an ‘I accidentally came across this bag, and looked inside, is pegging something you are interested in’ kind of way.

But wouldn't they leave a dildo with it or on its own for the shock value? Why just the harness. A 12 inch giant willie or gay porn would be more what id leave if trying to shock a new partner.

But the fact that he's kept the harness indicates that he wants to do it again - with OP

Maybe he was, indeed, hoping that he might get to do it again with OP.

But if her reaction upon finding the harness was a negative one, he'd have realised instantly that it was never going to happen, so a desperate lie was a very understandable response.

A kink isn't the same as a fetish. Liking something doesn't necessarily mean he isn't perfectly happy to live without it. I'm pretty sure that, if it was some kind of dealbreaker for him, he'd have got round to suggesting it a lot earlier on in the relationship.

If this insight into his past sexual behaviour doesn’t bother you, just bin it and move on.

It's not hers to bin. Christ, is no one allowed any privacy at all once they're in a couple? I've done stuff with past lovers that are no business of my DH's and if I kept something like this in a bag out of the way, it wouldn't mean I had some masterplan to peg him, it's not even that deep. No one knows what'll happen in future. He's shoved it away in a closed bag, behind bags, at the back of a shelf, rather than throw it away because who knows, one day it might be useful again. Or it might not and he might forget it or bin it himself at some point. Should he go snooping around in every cupboard and hiding place of the OP's to find anything she's hung onto from her past relationships and confront her with it? Course not, that would be invasive and insecure. Unless you're both virgins, assume that you've both got up to stuff with exes and focus on each other now.

Obvs if you update your DP is packing, then that's not the reason, but just thought I throw it out there? Amongst all the horror that he god forbid like bum stuff

Even if he's actually well-hung, some people still get off on the whole dynamic of the woman telling the man he's not big enough, regardless of his actual size, so it's still a possibility.

Hi op if it’s not his throw it away.

It's a strapadicktome 🙂

I've got stockings and suspenders tucked away in a drawer.
I haven't worn them in 25 years and pretty sure I'll never wear them again.
I have no idea if DH know they're there or not.
I'm certainly not keeping them because I'm hoping to wear them again.
(It's just laziness).

So why hide it then

Your ex moved in his belongings into your home. He has put a heavy bag, that he claims he's never seen before, behind his work travel and gym bag on top of the wardrobe. If it's a bag he's never seen, wouldn't he have looked inside it? He wouldn't have just shoved it on top of the wardrobe. That in itself is implausible! As for the rest of the excuse, that his ex planted it, that's just gibberish.

He'd have been better off admitting the bag and the harness is his, and explained it to you, rather than make up stupid excuses.

Because it's his own business. What else would he do with something like that not currently in use? Be much weirder to hang it in the front window, wouldn't it?

I’d find it very difficult to look past if it’s an item he has used with another woman in the past and decided it’s appropriate to bring it into my home.

I would genuinely just sit him down and say look, you need to tell me the truth. Why do you have a strap on. You clearly hid it there, don't treat me like I'm stupid. Tell me the truth. Or I'll start asking every one that's been to our house if they've hidden their strap on in your wardrobe and ask your ex if she planted a strap on in your wardrobe.

I wouldn't care if DH brought a sex toy to my house. I would care about him hiding sex toys in my house and lying to me about it.

Hes not very good at lying is he?