Unconvinced and confused by DP’s defence of strange item I found

[HanhanJ]

DP moved in with me about 4/5 months ago. He was living in a house owned/shared with his ex previously (long story, but they had been over quite a long time before and weren’t living there at the same time at the end).

We are going on holiday this weekend, and I was trying to find a certain bag for hand luggage last night. It wasn’t where it’s usually kept, so I looked at the top shelf of DP’s wardrobe to try to find it. He keeps his overnight bag in there for work, and his gym bag. I moved these to look behind it and there was a sort of drawstring bag I didn’t recognise. I moved this down too to clear the space, and noticed it was slightly heavy so looked inside it. There was a sort of wearable leather ‘harness’ which clearly contained a space for presumably a toy to be attached.

I asked him what this was doing in the wardrobe, he calmly answered to say he had no idea and hasn’t seen it before, and that he’d not used that bag since moving in which is why it was at the back of the shelf. I brought it up again a bit later, he then suggested his ex must have ‘planted’ it in the bag when he was preparing to move out.

I am unconvinced, does anyone really think this is plausible? No issues with him before this or reasons previously not to trust him btw.

Am I the only one not quite buying this?

You're not the only one. I reckon this has been posted by one of the hairy-handed brigade.

So he's packed, Move out, moved in, unpacked, Put it on top of the wardrobe all without noticing this bag was strangely heavy and checked to see what was inside it? No I don't believe him. Call his bluff, agree she is causing mischief, ask for her number or address and say you will return it to her . Tell him he either tells you the truth or you'll get it from her. any dodgy answer and you'll be packing it back up to move him back out

Does it matter if it is his? I appreciate that lying is an issue, but it’s a very intimate thing and (if it is his) he might not feel open to discussing it. As long as he doesn’t try to make you do anything you aren’t comfortable with, does it matter?

Exactly, the stories men tell when theyre caught out it unbelievable

he wants you to believe that his ex's reaction to him cheating and moving on was to go and buy a strap on, hide it in his luggage and hope you'd find it before he did?

A few things from me:

1. How long have you lived in your house? Are you sure that the wardrobe shelf was clear before he moved in and it couldn’t have been left by previous owners/tenant? Only reason I say is because we found a maids costume on our built in wardrobe shelf when we moved in belonging to the previous owners. It been pushed to the back corner and we couldn’t see it until we ripped the shelf down and it smacked my hubby on the head 🤣.
2. Re the Ex, I have heard of people doing stuff like that to try and cause issues, however I would question the strap on holder. If she was going to do it, wouldnt she probably put a woman’s toy in his bag to make it look like he was seeing someone? Or even a dildo or something. The strap on holder is a bit of an obscure item to plant when there are much better ones that would take the guessing out of it, but then again, it’s had the desired impact so maybe it was put in his bag.
3. You might have found out your hubby like a good pegging, and either he knows it’s there and is trying to hide it or the ex did put it in there in the hope you would find it and confront him about it.

All of them seem quite plausible, I’m looking forward to seeing which one it actually is. Are you going to ask him about it again?

Also for those saying he doesn’t know what’s in the bag, my parents still have 2 boxes from 1997 in the loft that they haven’t opened since they moved to their current house, so it is entirely possible that people just chuck a bag somewhere and forget about it for another day/year/lifetime.

He either likes being pegged or likes to use it on a partner for double penetration.
Nothing to be ashamed of but I imagine he was taken aback and lied as a knee-jerk reaction.

Maybe you could discuss it with him? If you don’t want to use shared items, suggest throwing it away and buying a new one, or if you’re against using it in your relationship at all maybe tell him that?

Just a left over toy from precious relationship and it’s a bit awkward to say that to your new girlfriend. I’d probably have lied too, rather than discuss it. Not really a big deal tbh, everyone has a history. God I wouldn’t want my partner finding things from my precious sex life, he’d feel weird about it and so would I - especially if it was quite kinky! Just move on.

What is it that concerns you the most? That he's into something you disapprove of, or find gross? That he used to enjoy things with someone else that he doesn't do with you? Or that he's clearly scared to be honest with you?

Before talking to him again you need to work out what bothers you the most and figure out your feelings - if they're rational and reasonable. You don't want to react with your emotions before your head has caught up and thought it through rationally. Is he being shifty bc he's got something to hide, or is he just scared of your reaction? It's hard for any of us to be completely straight with someone if we fear the reaction.

If it was me i'd wait for a calm time and reassure him that he's allowed to have a past and a private life. Whatever the reason he's got the harness he can be honest and open about it. As his partner i'd just like to be somone he can be himself with and not fear judgement or conflict.

It's not like you found evidence of cheating or extreme deviant behaviour.

However, if he's still being shifty and lying to you after a calm, loving discussion, i'd have to wonder what's going on.

This. He’s a calm and experienced liar, who instantly shifts the blame onto others.

He will do the same to you soon enough.

You should be worried. Very worried . I explained away small lies that my ex told at the start of our relationship. It ended up very badly.

lol. Love your use of the word precious

This!

Double penetration? Yikes, that had never occurred to me 😅 i have no idea why that shocks me more than pegging (which doesn't shock me at all tbh).

I’d be a bit concerned about where the dildo is. Is he walking funnily, is the missing dildo wedged up his arse?

The wardrobe is mine (I saw it being assembled) so no chance it was a previous tenants. He admitted it was his bag.

What are you concerned about?

I would just assume it was his from his previous relationship.

It may be as he said something planted but I’m not sure if it makes a difference, does it?

The most obvious explanation is usually correct.

I actually find it somewhat reassuring that he saw fit to dispose of that article. The 'implement' would be far more disturbing to me, and at least it seems he knew that part had to go!

I actually think the lie is understandable. He was put on the spot about something he finds very embarrassing by his new love interest.

I agree with this, and think his lie is no worse than OP snooping purely on the basis that she noticed 'the bag was slightly heavy'. She knew it wasn't hers so should've left it alone or fully expected to find some dark secret inside. Where is a guy supposed to hide his old kinky shit that might come in handy again one day, if not in a bag stuffed at the back of the top of shelf of his own wardrobe? Just because it's the OP's place he moved into doesn't mean he has no privacy.

And lies usually contain or are based on truth. I believe that it is related to stuff he did with his ex, but trying to blame her is an obvious lie.

Ask him if he's interested in pegging at all, and if he'd be up for a mammoth session, and see if his face lights up.

Then watch it darken again as you lead him into the garden with the world's largest overflowing laundry basket and tell him you'll be back in three hours

I'd get the immediate ick

Could you call his bluff and say “aww that’s such a shame after thinking about it I reckon I’d love to give it a go…..aww well not to worry” 😆