Unconvinced and confused by DP’s defence of strange item I found

[HanhanJ]

DP moved in with me about 4/5 months ago. He was living in a house owned/shared with his ex previously (long story, but they had been over quite a long time before and weren’t living there at the same time at the end).

We are going on holiday this weekend, and I was trying to find a certain bag for hand luggage last night. It wasn’t where it’s usually kept, so I looked at the top shelf of DP’s wardrobe to try to find it. He keeps his overnight bag in there for work, and his gym bag. I moved these to look behind it and there was a sort of drawstring bag I didn’t recognise. I moved this down too to clear the space, and noticed it was slightly heavy so looked inside it. There was a sort of wearable leather ‘harness’ which clearly contained a space for presumably a toy to be attached.

I asked him what this was doing in the wardrobe, he calmly answered to say he had no idea and hasn’t seen it before, and that he’d not used that bag since moving in which is why it was at the back of the shelf. I brought it up again a bit later, he then suggested his ex must have ‘planted’ it in the bag when he was preparing to move out.

I am unconvinced, does anyone really think this is plausible? No issues with him before this or reasons previously not to trust him btw.

If he was into it I’m sure he would have told you by now. I’d be inclined to believe him.

Love the fact he casually claimed to never have seen it before like a strap on harness is the sort of thing to crop up randomly in a person’s home! You said it felt heavy, he obviously placed the heavy drawstring bag up there so naturally he knew what was in it…

He basically enjoys being pegged and doesn’t know how to tell you.

God, I’m such a prude.
thank god

I would be pissed off if a relatively new partner was searching through my stuff, in a bag that was packed away and closed. Just because we moved in, shouldn’t mean he has to get rid of something he may use again.
A lot of men like pegging.
He probably thought up an excuse on the spot. I would not have made excuses for it and would be pissed off that you snooped.

He's got kinks he is ashamed to tell you about

So he's lying

Or.

He left it there for you to find so that the subject would come up and he could gauge your reaction to participating / or tolerating .

Either way. Its dishonest... and the fact that he didn't throw about his used sex toy.

Absolutely this.

He left it there for you to find so that the subject would come up and he could gauge your reaction to participating / or tolerating .
How? It was on his high shelf, behind other bags, in a drawstring bag closed, it wasn’t in the bedside locker or hanging on a rail.
DH would never rummage through my stuff, neither would I. He would most likely say nothing if he stumbled upon something that could embarrass me.

Not sure why it’s a big deal, he probably used it and tried something with a previous partner, found it when he moved in, shoved it to the back when he realised and meant to bin it. He did tell a daft lie but likely didn’t want to have to explain what he did with an ex to you.

Plot twist: his ex was banging her female 'friend' - that's why they split up - and she got a better one and 'forgot' about the old one! 😁
He probably didn't mention she left him for another woman - fragile male ego an all that - and is shitting himself that as a parting shot, she did this to him lol.
As someone else posted pegging is mainstream now, as it is the twenty first century. That BBC drama a while back included a couple engaging in it.

OP please be open minded. It's hardly a sextape of him having it off with a stuffed Lama is it?
I dunno 🤷

This.

The OP should not be going through a bag that does not belong to her and purposely opening something that was kept hidden for a reason.

The fact that this is a sex aid is secondary. The lack of respect for her partner's privacy to me is the bigger deal.

It might have been something that both people enjoyed in his previous relationship but he has decided not to bring it up in his current one and that should have remained his choice to make as to whether he wanted to disclose it or not.

If a new partner went through my stuff like this I would dump them.

Oh for god's sake, PP. A man moves into the OP's home and brings something really dodgy with him which he says his XP must have planted to make his life difficult with his new partner, and you're blaming the OP for finding it?

Kink gear is expensive so I would be surprised if his ex would buy a harness or part with her own, just to cause issues. It’s his. Maybe he would be a bit more forthcoming if you flicked him with a damp towel.

That would gross me out, I'm afraid, and I'd not believe him that he hadn't seen it before.

Yeah, leather sex gear is really expensive. I’ve heard. From a friend. Yes, a friend.

Did he move straight from his exes to yours? How did she have access to his bag?

Bit of an odd revenge when its his bag an unlikely you would be the one that found it.

He is lying through his arse (excuse the pun). Assume he enjoyed a bit of pegging with his ex and is too embarrassed to mention it or doesn't want to share his previous sex life with you which is not unreasonable unless it involved something which you have made clear would be a deal breaker for you.

Stop snooping in his stuff.

Unless you’re happy to peg him eventually, I’d probably call things quits now.

God, people lie if they’re embarrassed. If you find someone’s sex toy, put it back, don’t confront them with it and demand an explanation. If someone found my sex toy I might try to invent a shit lie because I’d want the ground to swallow me up.

He likes pegging, that's nothing to be ashamed about.
He feels he can't address the issue with you though.

There's nothing wrong with it. It's a sexual act to be enjoyed by both. I'm guessing you wouldn't consider it hence the post. That's fine too.

There's no right or wrong here, but now it's out... It's worth talking about. If not you will constantly wonder and he may constantly long, and you could do your own head in wondering if he's longing...

🤣

I can't afford it. I don't even have a partner so I don't even know why I'm thinking about cheap belts off the market. They're not for pegging!!!

Tourniquets in case I need to stem blood flow!

But no, never belts, they're hideous!

Of course he’s seen it before. He’s just mortified you found it and is panic
lying. If this insight into his past sexual behaviour doesn’t bother you, just bin it and move on. If it does bother you, you’re going to have to have another conversation with him and if he carries on lying then that’s a whole other set of problems.

Same! When I read the one about the MIL who found the dog collar and assumed her daughter was buying a dog, and not for her new husband, I had that reaction-and I must be 30 years younger than that MIL!
It'll be funny if it turns out it's like a dog/cat harness in this case, which was somehow left when they were pet sitting, and everyone's saying this stuff!
Kind of doubt it though.

Brilliant!!

Sounds like it’s due to come to you soon OP I’d run for the hills!

All the people saying 'But why LIE about it? It's the LYING that's bad, he's a LIAR' probably ought to take a look at the level of judgement, disgust, revulsion and moral outrage that arises on any Mumsnet thread where it transpires that a man enjoys pegging, butt plugs or anything of that nature.

Generally, the responses range from 'Ew, he's a disgusting pig, LTB, I would instantly get the ick and would never want to sleep with him again' to 'he's gay, get yourself checked for STIs', via 'he should have disclosed this interest to you in writing before you even had a first date, he's basically groomed you' and 'he's addicted to porn, OP' on the way.

That is why a man might panic and lie about it. He's fully aware that he might be horribly judged for having done it.

And maybe he just... doesn't want to be forced to reveal every single element of his private sexual experimentation before he met the OP, because he has every right to keep those things to himself? Nobody is obliged to share every detail of everything they've done in bed. I think a lot of people's default response to the mortifying revealing of a sexual secret like that would be to lie about it, actually.