AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

We should, it sounds like this isn't the first bloke that has moved in since the split with the child's dad, how about she puts her DD first...for once?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

She's 13.

How many previous relationships?

She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

Why is your partner doing this? That's your job, not his!

If my child hated my fiancée I'd take a step back from that relationship and re build the one with my child. Move him out, delay the wedding and rebuild things slowly, or you'll lose her.

for now, until that happens, it may not be a bad idea for her to go to dads?

Was she ok with your partner until the engagement? Any chance you can just keep dating your partner until she is older? If he's the right man, he will understand and wait to get married later.

You know your daughter. The things she said, are they true? Has she ever made up things before? Because if it is out of character, I'd really rather lean to believing her. I probably would believe her anyway tbh.

But it has changed things for her. You are forcing her to live with a man she considers abusive and hostile towards her. You don’t appear to give a shit about that.

Why doesn’t he leave telling her what to do. Could you not wait a few years to live together. 13 is the worst possible point to do it

Is the correct answer.

If my dc didn’t like living with their own dad for any legitimate reason he’d have to get a flat and we’d have to wait until they were older before living together because kids are only young once, don’t ruin her home life and childhood because of a bloke.
My dp is my eldests stepdad (we have 3 children together also) so I’m not against stepparents or blended family life but your child is clearly miserable. Why are you getting married to a man who upsets your child? This is madness.
And make sure what she disclosed wasn’t actually the truth and she’s just buckled under pressure and withdrew what’s actually truth.
This has red flags all over it.

This. And the rest. Poor girl.

One of my teenage friend’s at school her mum’s new partner who was moved in made her so upset that she pulled her hair out. Was in the days before kids could choose who to live with. Do you really want your DD traumatised? Which she is already. I applaud her for standing up for herself and her father is stepping up for her and being her parent.

Listen to your daughter. My second stepdad moved in when I was 12/13 and even though we have a really good relationship now, it caused a LOT of emotional damage.

My mum had got divorced less than two years before that, and she'd split up with the one partner who I had a secure attachment to less than two years before she married her first husband. Mums ex husband was a secret alcoholic and he hit me once. Nobody believed me. They used to have screaming arguments, and when my now stepdad moved in when I was your daughter's age, I was still dealing with the trauma of her previous marriage and the trauma of losing contact with the ex who had been there since I was a toddler.

My current stepdad had far too much say in how I was parented, and completely changed my mums approach to parenting me. He was also allowed to tell me off etc. Because he was a lot bigger, and a lot stricter I genuinely found him scary. Nobody listened to me and any behaviours I developed were put down to jealousy or teenage brattiness. They moved out of the area I'd lived in my entire life and I went from being able to walk to school to having to spend 90 minutes on the bus.

My biological dad isn't involved in my life, so I started staying with my gran regularly, she lived near school so I started staying there regularly to escape. During my GCSEs I basically moved in with her and just came home when it was convenient.

Me and my stepdad have a really good relationship now, he's been in my life for almost 20 years and I'm arguably closer to him than my mum. But how my mum went about things, and the amount of upheaval I experienced has caused a lot of unnecessary, lasting trauma, which sticks with me to this day. And if I'm honest I had to go through therapy to move past the amount of resentment I felt towards my mum and her refusal to prioritise my emotional needs.

Your parenting is absolutely something to aspire to. Someone who thinks 19 year olds should have their own place in 2026 isn't worth listening to.

If your ex has a Court Order and there is no reason to think he would lie to the school about that, if you show up at his house and make a scene, won't he just call the police? That won't exactly help your case will it?

In 2023 you had a 2 year old daughter, a husband and 10 year old step son. What happened to those?

"HuglessDouglass · Today 13:35
You are getting piled on here op and it must be tough to hear. But you are in a tough position and like it or not this is a pivotal moment in your relationship with your daughter.
Only you know exactly what has happened or been said, so only you can reflect on this. How long has she known your partner? How has it happened that an unrelated man has moved in and tells her what to do? It's irrelevant if you think he is right, wind back to being 13 and ask yourself how you would feel. And do you really think it is right that he is trying to take on a parental role? Can you do anything to change this dynamic? Are you willing to understand and prioritise your daughter, even if you think her behaviour is unreasonable? How will your relationship with her look in 10 years if you don't start listening to her? How will it look with him if he's the reason you are low contact with your daughter.....?
You mention that you argue but "no more than any other couple".... That is probably not true. You only ever hear of the arguments from people, you don't hear of the peace, most established couples are not arguing frequently."

@HuglessDouglass has nailed it: this is very sound advice.

She doesn't say that anywhere? I think when she said she has lived with a couple, she means her ex and his new wife? As someone has asked about her not living with a couple before.

Another PP seems to have misinterpreted that OP was living with someone else three years ago, I think they misread the OP - she split up DD's dad 10 years ago when DD was 3.

Not saying there isn't a problem with current OH but posters seem to be making things up here and twisting it into a parade of men.

In 2023 op was posting on Mumsnet about her. Her dh, a dd and a dss. becoming homeless briefly and having to move into her dad’s mouldy place. Also issues with her dss.

Now it’s 2026 and she has a new fiancé of 3 years.

Yes it's laughable. I'm in Oxfordshire and have no idea where my kids will move to unless they head to the north as everything is extortionate around here. My daughter is nearly 19yrs and my house is our home. I don't plan to make things uncomfortable for any of us and would never just move someone is because I was desperate.

She's 13, you can't make her live with you because you want her to, when she has other options.

If you want her back now, it sounds like you need to end the relationship. If you are certain that your DP is not being unreasonable, you can hold out for her to potentially decide the grass isn't greener, but that may not happen. She may be happier longer term at her Dads.

She may see a different side to your DP, or just not like him. That happens, there are people that for no apparent reason we just don't get on with. In that case, you may need to decide who is more important to you, your DP or DD.

It is so hard to say, with just one side of the story, which is likely biased no matter how objective you try to remain. It could be hormonal rebellion, your DP could genuinely be an AH to her when you aren't around. It will be a risk to your long term relationship with your DP if you stick with him, so you have to decide if that is a risk you are willing to take.

I'd recommend trying to work with, not against your exH, he seems to be trying to act in your DD's best interests, listening to her, providing options to her, willing to take care of her. So try and have a calm chat with him to work out what he has been told, and what potential ways forward you have.

So you choose your partner over your own daughter? No fucking wonder she’s gone to live with her dad. At least one parent is stepping up, shame on you.

Split up with your partner and get your child back.

I have a 13 year old, and a partner (of five years) who is a lovely man and we are very much in love, and a few things struck me about your story. Despite the fact that my DC and partner get along very well, and they have fun together, and he is a loving adult in my child's life:

• he has never tried to nor would I accept him playing a disciplinary/parental role in my child's life
• I would not consider living with my partner until after my child has left for University (and possibly not even then).
• I would not marry my partner

You are ofcourse entitled to have a relationship. But, kindly, your child is well within her rights to not want to live with your partner and to not accept him playing a parental role. She is also well within her rights to choose to live with her dad in these circumstances. She is old enough to make up her own mind, and the court will accept her position on this.

If she was okay with your previous boyfriends, and she is okay with her stepmother, then the issue is clearly your current partner. Not because he’s your partner or because you plan to marry him, but because of who he is as a person. She doesn’t like him, and refuses to live with him.

You can ‘object’ all you want, but at 13 significant weight is given to her expressed wishes. Furthermore, her father has managed to obtain a court order ex parte. This isn’t a minor detail. You’re downplaying whatever is going on in your home, but it’s clearly beyond the realm of ‘normal’.

This isn’t a situation where you’re going to get what you want. You can choose the man, or you can choose your child.

The OP was posting in June 2023 about her three year old and mentioned a husband.