AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

well what does the court order say?

I don't know yet, I only have what the school have told me

What are you aiming to achieve here? Drag her kicking and screaming back to your house, and then…?

What untrue information did she tell the school? Are you sure it’s untrue? How quickly did you dismiss it as untrue?

Absolutely - ditch the man, ffs. She's 13 - why would she want a man to move into her home and tell her what to do? You have a life-long relationship with your daughter - invest in her during these teen years and it'll be a bond for life. If you let her go now then it's difficult to see how you'll become close again - she'll feel you let her down.

I know it's unfair - her dad can see whoever he wants and it won't bother her, because her bond with him isn't as strong as it is with you.

I’m sorry, if my Dd disliked my partner so much she didn’t want to live with us anymore, I’d be kicking the partner out. If you prioritise him over her then you’ll never save your relationship with her.

That she is scared to live here, that my partner is constantly telling her off, that me and my partner are constantly arguing. We do have occasional arguments, however they are normally in regards to DDs behaviour and no more then any other couple

As upsetting as it is, this clearly isn't a bolt from the blue - she had told you she was unhappy (whether rightly or wrongly in your opinion).

She is of an age where the court will let her decide, they will not force her to return to your care. You need to be incredibly careful not to alienate her if you want to keep a relationship going forward

Why is your partner telling her what to do? Focus ond your daughter and get rid of the man

I’d let her go, she may soon realise that the grass isn’t greener and whichever house she has to do chores!

i think it will do more harm than good refusing or stopping her going! You need to tell her you don’t want her to go it will break your heart etc but you’ll always have a bed here and keep the relationship and communication open.

Are you deaf??? Listen to your child! 🤦‍♀️

The first step is ditch the man for your child ffs!!!!

She is clearly not happy at all to be living with this man and her dad is supporting her unlike her mother. Shame on you.

If he wants her there and she does too, doesn't it make it two against one?

Demand her back? Can her dad demand her back from your house?

If this goes to court - her views will be taken into account and she will get to live dad.

you need to listen to your daughter and focus on her - rethink the man - she is more important

sounds like her Dad is doing the right thing

This!!!! Couldn’t have put it better myself
@Bigglebiggle
YOUR daughter made her feelings clear and YOU chose to ignore her
I would hazard a guess there is more to this than him being strict her Dad wouldn’t get a court order on this basis. Something else must have happened here.
If there has been involvement with social workers and school they will have interviewed your daughter and they will act in HER best interest.

Surely it should be you be asking your daughter to tidy her room and do chores and not your partner. This man is nothing to your daughter, she doesn't have to follow his orders.

Have you considered that your daughter might well ah e genuine fears and worries.

Also you don’t want to live away from her.

Well she wants to live away from you/your partner.

Why does your want trump her rights to live with her father and not a male stranger (awaits his my partner not a stranger blah blah blah. He is a strange man to her not her dad/uncle/grandad)

Are you in England/Wales? If so, a court order where you’re not notified is unusual. Only likely to be granted in an extreme case where the child is at risk. He might have persuaded a judge that, but I would expect there’d be another hearing very soon. You need to find out and be prepared for it.

At 13 courts listen to where kids want to live.

She told you she is unhappy has for a while and you haven't listened. She can choose to go and live with her Dad - and clearly her Dad willing to go to court to get her what she wants.

I would have been worried when she started to split you up with engagement TBH and gone a lot slower and tried to get her to place she was happy instead of proceeding when she is clearly so unhappy.

She has two parents, why does she have to live with you? She's unhappy living with a man you imposed on her and whilst I don't doubt you're heartbroken about it, if focus on rebuilding your relationship with her 121 whilst she lives with her Dad.

Sorry, at no point in your posts so far have you suggested a solution to any of your daughter's concerns.

Your daughter is telling you loud and clear that she doesn't want you to marry your boyfriend and have him living in her home.

Why aren't you listening to her?

She's told her dad. She's told her school. She's made plans to remove herself to somewhere she does feel safe. She's done everything we would advise a teenage girl to do when she doesn't feel safe.

What's your plan to stop her feeling the need to move to her dad's?

My god if my child was so unhappy living with my partner of 3 years that she wanted to move out, I would be ending the relationship. I’m absolutely baffled that you don’t seem to see that as the natural solution.

You either let her go or the boyfriend moves out so she can be comfortable at home. Simple as that. She can live with Dad and visit you if thats more comfortable for her.

Poor girl, she has said she didn't like living with her dad before; if this is her preferred alternative to living with you and your partner, what does that say about living with you?

You haven't listened to her distress by keeping this man around (he is not her father and should not be disciplining her at this stage) and she's choosing to vote with her feet. I think there's still time to repair your relationship with her, but something tells me you'll continue on regardless.