AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

So youve moved a couple of men into her home in 10 years?

Again, why are you surprised she wants to live with her Dad?

Poor kid.

Two parents arguing about their shared child is completely different to a parent and an unrelated adult with no parental rights or responsibility. The partner has no right to discipline your child. I suspect it is your ego tgat is hurt and the fact that your ex could make a CMS claim. I suspect that if your daughter does stay with her father, the partner will leave pretty soon afterwards.

it obviously has changed things for her though. She has a man come into her life ordering her around and telling her what to do. You and your partner argue which upsets your daughter. She's unhappy.

What do you think the situation would look like if you put your DD first @Bigglebiggle

“Any of my previous relationships” - how many men have you introduced her to? Bit of a worry OP.

This man does not sound nice. He sounds controlling. Listen to your daughter

You’re being selfish and seeing this situation only from your own point of view.

You’ve said that you don’t want your daughter living away from you. You’re not putting her feelings first at all and you’re just thinking about what you want.

The same statement runs true with regards to your partner. You have put your feelings and wants first and have this man living in your home when it clearly is having a negative affect your child.

Put your child and her feelings first. Listen to her. She’s been telling you how unhappy she is and you’ve chosen to ignore her so she’s literally voting with her feet so to say.

Your poor daughter has had multiple men move into your home to play step daddy and you obviously put the importance of relationships before her. No wonder she wants to leave.

Well talk to her but clearly she very unhappy about something and you aren't listening to her - so try talking and listening if she'll do this at this late stage.

The courts will listen to her at her age.

So you can not demand she lives with you and clearly something about this man and this marriage has her worried enough to talk to school and make allegations. I'm not surprised her dad is taking it all very seriously.

And been married based on her other threads.

I totally missed the 10 year bit on this one.

So multiple men a failed married and now this man who the daughter hates with a passion.

How many men have you lived with since you separated from your child’s dad?

Is this about maintenance really?

How is her relationship with her father. What's his current setup?

When did your partner move in with you; had something specific set this off or has it been a gradual thing as your partner has moved in and started to be authoritarian?

You are in a relationship with a man your daughter doesn't like.

The reason why she doesn’t like him isn’t actually relevant - she didn’t pick him, she doesn’t want to live with him. She doesn’t want to share you. And that’s totally understandable. Would YOU want to live with a random man in your house that you never chose don’t even like and spends all his time with your loved ones? I think not!

By staying with your partner you are prioritising your own happiness over your daughter’s. Fine, that’s your ‘right’ I suppose (though for the record I think it’s a bit shitty).

Well she also has a right to prioritise her own happiness. Her first choice is to live with you without this man, but her second choice is to live with dad. And making that decision is HER right.

You say you are ‘heartbroken’ that she chose her dad over you.
This is how she felt when you didn't listen to her and chose to live with a man she doesn’t get along with. Sounds like he doesn’t like her either if he’s always having a go about her behaviour. You are her MOTHER. You are supposed to love her more than anyone else.

So why don't you just move the boyfriend out and not get married? Problem solved.

My DD is 19 and I still wouldn’t want to move a man into our home that she didn’t like or who thought he could tell her off. My kids come before any man, and I have promised her that she will never have to share her space with anyone she hasn’t chosen to live with. This was part of the reason my last relationship ended, as my DP wanted to live together and he has a teenage son. Absolutely not happening.

As a younger teenage girl, just coming into puberty - even more of a HELL NO!

Put your DD first or lose her. She’s lucky she has somewhere else to go.

Also don’t be so quick to dismiss her complaints, you think your arguments are normal but for her to hear conflict, especially she is cited as the cause for it, is incredibly upsetting for her.

It's nearly irrelevant

You are just as much a parent as her dad. If she wants to live with her dad, she can. You have no more right than he does. Why don't you listen to her?
She's not an object, you are being nasty to her making her chose between 2 parents.

No one can tell you if your current partner is too strict or not ,but if she's happier with her dad, let her.

I dont think this is a model to aspire to either tbh. Having a grown ass woman dictate your love life? 😂
The healthy path is somewhere in between

You've made your choice about who to live with, and she's made her choice based on that.

If you want her back get rid of the bloke trying to play dad and having arguments with you about it.

If you want to keep him around then accept your daughter doesn't want to be there.

Sounds like her dad is settled and in a permanent long relationship and you have brought numerous strange men into your daughter's home @Bigglebiggle

She's better off somewhere stable with her dad, her step mum and sibling than living with you and yet another feckless man. Don't you know anything about safeguarding your child? This man shouldn't be anywhere near her bedroom.

You are the AH because your child doesn’t want you to marry this guy and you are anyway. You’ve squeezed her out of her own home by ignoring her feelings about how your family is changing. It’s not a popular opinion but I believe while your kids are under 18 they should be the priority and should come before partners or dating. You could have planned to get married or even live together in a few years when her childhood is over. Home at this point needs to be her safe place.

This

Has it not occurred to you that she seemed to be ok with the previous relationships because she was too young to realise she COULD do anything to change the situation?. Now she is old enough to realise that she doesn't have to put up with a succession of men moving into her home. You really are not coming across as caring what is best for your child, just what you want.

Harsh but possibly true

Yes, some do - and all of those are shit fathers who also deserve to be slagged off.

You ca try to fight it, but ultimately your DD will be allowed to decide how much time she spends at each address, including no time at all.

Talk to her. Be genuinely curious about what she is unhappy with. Take action based on what she tells you, including moving your boyfriend back out of your home if that’s what is needed to make her feel seen, heard, and safe.

It’s her home FFS! Same way I don’t want her deciding to move her boyfriend into our house, I’m not dictating anything, I just don’t see why anyone should expect their housemates to be ok with some random shouty man being in their space. This may be a reaction to previous domestic violence, but there’s no way I’m allowing some man to disrupt our peace at home.