AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

(not that we should necessarily be slagging OP off as such, but I do think it's fair to point out that disregarding her child's feelings of security to this extent are not great parenting)

Why is your partner getting involved in any way with parenting? You have not got a handle on this at all. And if the ex has applied to court do NOT go anywhere near the house. You have to wait for the court hearing now.

A 19 year old woman should have her own digs and be creating her own vibe, not dictating who her mum shags

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs and your feelings- looking at the cold facts - which are 1) that your daughter doesn’t want to live in your house with you and your partner,
2) that the courts will be likely to respect her wishes where her father is a fit parent, you have a choice to make:

a) partner moves out and stays out of your home or
b) she lives with her dad.

How did she feel when you married the husband you had in 2023? The one who also had a child and presumably is the dad of your toddler? Your daughter has seen a massive amount of change in your life, maybe she hates the new guy, maybe she just finds her dad and his wife a bit more settled and wants out of the chaos and drama.

Well that suggests there's something specific to your boyfriend that she's not happy with. Perhaps the arguments?

Is he worth more than she is?

100% this. I told my ex that we could live together once our DCs had all moved out and he didn’t want to wait so we finished the relationship. I don’t want to live with his DC any more than I want him living with mine. It’s just not necessary.

A freaking stranger lives in her home and tells her to tidy her room and nags her.

OP do you have any self esteem?

You know you don't need a man to live life to the fullest?

Your 'partner' is annoying your teenage daughter, where are your priorities? Or is it money related? He is a good earner and you are riding on that? What is the reason?

I cannot begin to imagine.

I think you need to open your eyes and pay a bit more attention to what your daughter is trying to tell you.

If she hasn't had a problem with any of your previous boyfriends or her dad's wife, then it's clearly this man in particular.

There may be more to this than you know or are admitting to yourself...

At 13 a court will listen to what she wants so you can't just drag her back to your house. She has a voice, whether you want to hear it or not.

If I were you I'd put the wedding on hold and work out your relationship with your daughter.

Your partner who is not her dad should not be arguing with her or about her with you, what do you argue about. Does he have his own children or any experience of looking after teens. If he's bossy now what's he going to be like when she's 16.

Yes, I should tell her to move out and pay extortionate rent on her own place so I can have my boyfriend and his child move in. What a great idea for all involved.

We do have occasional arguments, however they are normally in regards to DDs behaviour and no more then any other couple.

Okay, so that sounds like he disagrees with you with how you are raising her. From what you have said, he is strict and you are probably "too lax for his liking"? That is a massive problem in your relationship and you should not be getting married with such a fundamental difference in parenting techniques.

If she was fine with previous relationships then it is your current partner that is the problem, he isn't her dad, his role is support you as a parent, not to parent her himself and get angry at both of you for not agreeing with his way of doing things.

Why are you letting him do that?

I am sure your partner will be very happy to have you to himself without your annoying daughter. FFS put your child first - you will lose her. Kick out the man and let her feel happy in her own home. This is your fault not her dads - he is doing the right thing.

Do you often make unreasonable and unworkable ultimatums like 'you're not living with your father'...

If so, that may be part of your problem. You actually do not have the right to dictate which parent she lives with and you've played right into his/her hands in doing that.

Be honest - was she ok with the current boyfriend before marriage was on the cards? Why is he parenting her anyway, that should be your job not his, he should at most, be backing you up, not disciplining her independently.

if your partner is a "random shouty man", you need to make better choices.

Put your daughter first

Also it's refreshing to see a father standing up for his child. He sounds like he's looking out for her mental wellbeing and is happy to go down the legal route to ensure she is heard. Good on him.

Hope the toddler in all this is ok as well and her dad is looking out for her as well.

When you say nothing will change, in what way? Will he still tell her off, argue, can you think of a reason she may not like him or want to live with him.

Oh come on OP this makes it worse!! If you had said that she had issues with her Dad's relationship, your previous relationships etc then it shows that maybe she is jealous or wants just you own your own or whatever.

She's scared of this man and you aren't listening to her. No wonder she's left.

Sorry she’s already had to live with ‘a couple’ of your previous boyfriends? And now this one who she hates? Jesus.

If the roles were reversed

My DH and I have my DD EOW and all the holidays, she gets on great with my DH, and our new DC. Her DF has met a new woman, and they intend to marry soon. She doesn’t get in with the new woman, despite getting on with his previous partners, she says they argue, she’s overly strict and she feels concerned about her. She wants to move to ours, we want her here, think she’ll be happy and we will be happy.

She’s 13 and I think able to make her decision, her DF is threatening to come round and demand she returns to him!

I think she should be the one to decide.

Reads differently now, doesn’t it?

informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me.

Ah I see: you get to call the shots which is going to be having your cake and eating it.

You're not listening

Let her go. A 13 year old shouldn't have to share a house with an unrelated man and you have let her down badly.