AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her,

That she is scared to live here, that my partner is constantly telling her off, that me and my partner are constantly arguing. We do have occasional arguments, however they are normally in regards to DDs behaviour and no more then any other couple

Your arguing about her behaviour. Do you not get you're the parent here, not your fiance? He should not be taking on a parental role, he's scared her enough she doesn't want to live with him. She doesn't like the man you're marrying and she'd rather leave your home than live with him. Her dad took her seriously rather than dismissing what she's saying like you do and went to court to protect her.

You're picking dick over kid and you're losing your kid as a result of your choice. Don't try to force her back, she doesn't want to live with your fiance. Let her be.

Your DDs behaviour has been communication that something is off with your DP. You're being incredibly selfish and stupid to try and enforce her living with you and your DP.
Why does your DP have to get involved in telling her what to do? You're the parent, you should be doing it. If this was the only issue your DD had, it would have been easily solved by your partner stepping back and leaving the parenting to the parents.

But she's telling you she's unhappy.

Why aren't you listening?

She's not 'getting to split you up', she's trying to get some agency about whom she lives with.

Did you consider her at all when you moved this bloke in?

If she doesn't like how he parents her, what have you done about that? Do you just take his side?

It sounds incredibly painful but you sound like you've ignored her point of view for years and you're reaping what you sow.

The OPs 4th post timed 13.32 clearly states that the child has had no problem with any of the OPs previous relationships. It is not twisting anything to point out that this child has grown up this far with a number of men being part of her home. The fact that she is now old enough to say 'no more' is important.

I’m afraid you reap what you sow. You have prioritised your relationship over your daughter and she’s decided she’s had enough.

So she’s had no problems with various partners on both sides, and she’s telling you she doesn’t like this one, and it doesn’t ring huge fucking church bells in your head??

I don't argue with my DH, why do you think arguing is normal?

It’s such a tiny amount of time that your dc are children until they are 18 what’s the rush of living together and getting married? You can still be in a relationship and then your daughter can just focus on her relationship with you and her dad without a random guy bringing in new dynamics to wrestle with.

I do actually think in some situations blended can work but a lot of that is sheer dumb luck if everyone gets on. If they don’t which could just be down to personality then leave the blending for now - she’ll be an adult in 5 years.

Ive been with dp for 4 years and it suits both our kids to keep separate houses and not blend. Got the rest of our lives to do that when kids grow up.

Why are you arguing about her behaviour? It's up to you not him to parent her and if he doesn't like it, he shouldn't be there.

I really hope you don't start blaming her for ruining your relationship because it was her fault that neither of the adults including her parent could handle the situation they created.

You can explain all you like. Your DD is unhappy. She needs to be your priority. Call off the engagement and ask your man to move out. You can date when she’s at her dad’s, but keep her away from this relationship. You need to LISTEN to what she’s telling you.

She instinctively wants to live with a related male rather than an unrelated male during her vulnerable adolescent time. She understands more than you do.

also what’s the odds she decided she didn’t like dads back then around when the new sibling was arriving which tends to happen quite a bit rather than there being a big issue because the fear of being pushed out and forgotten so if they don’t want to go then it doesn’t matter when they are not wanted. In their child brains.

You have 2 options.

1. Live with this man and let your daughter move in with her dad.
2. Ditch the man and let your daughter live with you.

OP why can't you put the marriage plans on hold until your daughter either feels comfortable, or has grown up? 5 years is not so very long to wait (may be too late now to convince her you're listening though).

Can you have a calm conversation with her and really listen to her concerns? And look at solutions? The moving out to dads might be out of desperation that you're apparently not listening and feel like it's the only power she has, rather than being a suitable solution. Or it might be a clear statement that there's something about your house that she no longer wants to put up with. Ask her what she would like to be different and take her seriously. You won't know unless you properly talk to her.

But you have to be prepared to hear things you might not want to hear.

If your dd hates your partner and he tells her to do stuff in her home what did you expect was going to happen.

You have made it clear you have handed parenting over to someone you are about to marry and move into her home and she is no longer your priority

It’s not rocket science that she wants out.

She has lived with a couple over the years, her dad is married with another child and she has no problem with their relationship. She hasn't had problems with any of my previous relationships either, it seems to be the marriage she is having problems with. I have explained to her it won't change anything from what it is now

But she hates “now”

She’s lived with a couple of your bf?

so a few have moved in and obv moved out again till the next one

she is telling you something . Listen to your child

was she ok when he moved in - how soon after moving in did he propose ?

if this men is a decent man he will wait till she is 18 to get married

if she didn’t want to live with her dad and baby sibling and now does - what does that tell you ?

Dp did not need to live with you and dd. Dp did not need to tell her to tidy her room that is your job. Having a teenager isn’t simple why complicate it by moving him in. It sounds like she would rather be with you but you moved in dp. So now the better option is to live with her dad. Dd is old enough to choose. In your position I would choose dd. She has told you she doesn’t like him would you want to live with someone you don’t like?

I think at 13 she is very young and probably feels awkward .What is the rush to get married anyway? Surely better to live apart ATM .when she is so uncomfortable.See partner when shes at her dads.

Why would you therefore assume that there isn’t a specific issue with this man?

Harsh wording but this!!

She’s 13 she doesn’t want to live with this man. Can you not wait until she is 18/20, it’s not that long away.

I think you’ll have to put up and shut up for the time being.
You should, however make every effort to mend your relationship with your daughter (your partner needs to do this too).
Perhaps days out you know she’ll enjoy just you and her, NOT in your home!
Then in the future when things are hopefully better (fingers crossed) your partner could be involved too - but don’t argue in front of her.
Cinema, musicals, shopping, sports, hobbies etc. - as long as it’s stuff she wants to do.
Hopefully you’ll have the ‘good’ bits of teenage life to concentrate on without going on about homework/chores etc.

Your boyfriend/fiance should not be disciplining your daughter, it sounds like there has been an overstep/overreach of the step parent dynamic (particularly in the early portion of a relationship - fair enough if they've been in her life for a long time through all her childhood) and that may well be what she's responding to. You can't just demand her back, she's 13.

Gently, are you or have you listened to her? Because it feels like she clearly states how she feels over the years and you sort of disregard her feelings as you knowing best.

I'm sorry, this must be heartbreaking for you. But your partner should not be telling your daughter off or instructing her what to do at all. I have a partner, we each have a child, we have not parented each other's child at all, other than to keep them safe. If something bothers us we tell the child's parent (very quietly, in private), who deals with it. We've done that for 13 years and the kids, who are both adults now, say that we did the right thing.

Children should not be told off or told what to do in their home by a partner who is not their parent, it builds deep resentment and sometimes hatred of the partner. If you and your partner are also arguing about her behavior inside her home she will have heard every word each of you is saying. It will have been extremely upsetting for her to have to listen to that. Your daughter is very upset, it sounds like she's been trying to tell you how miserable it's making her for a long time, and you're just dismissing her with "she's trying to split me and my partner up".

At 13 I'm afraid the courts will take your daughter's opinion into account when deciding where she should live. Her father is her parent too, she has a right to chose to live there as long as she is safe. All you can do now is actually listen to her, talk and try to rebuild the relationship.

Your daughter isn’t a possession, she’s a human being with her own emotions and preferences.
What right do you have to move a man into her home who she is scared of and who disciplines her?!
You sound totally disinterested in your daughter’s wellbeing. It’s all about having control of her, isn’t it?
She will leave and go NC as soon as she’s old enough, but hey, crack on with the great man who you’re always arguing with 👍🏻