AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

How do you know there lies? What’s she’s been saying, forget him. Tbh sounds like you’ve already lost your daughter, but you pick him it’s game over I’m telling you!

You haven’t listened to her!

But she hasn't lived within a couple family for a decade and now he's there telling her off, causing you pair to argue, all the are about her etc. Doesn't sound like he likes her very much. I wonder how happy he'll be she's gone? Until your maintenance payments start at least

3 years? So barely out of boyfriend territory and hes already living in her home, youre already engaged and he thinks he has the right to tell her what to do?

I cannot understand why you seem surprised.

For Gods sake remove this bloke and put your DD first. There is no way I would move a new man in if my DD did not like him, whether she is justified or not.,

I’d be worried your partner is abusing her in other ways. Even if he’s not, wtf does she want to live with a strange adult man? You need to kick him out

You can waste time and energy objecting or you can be realistic and accept that your child is so unhappy living with you and your partner that she would prefer to live with her dad.He seems up for it and the fact that she has spoken to school about it makes it even more likely that you are minimising the true situation. I am just pleased to hear your daughter has one parent who is taking her seriously.

I’m sure the ops not even thought about losing child maintenance yet and having to pay her ex 🤣.

All to keep a piece of dick in her home. 😂😂

Why should DD be forced to live with a man she doesn't like when her father is happy she lives with him? Chose the bloke if you like but you would be a fool to do so.

Hopefully your daughter settles in well to her fathers home. She is there because he listened to her when you did not so it possibly is for the best. I will never understand a mother chosing a man over their childs happiness.

Do not demand she returns. She is 13 and has a right to a say in where she lives and a court will listen if it comes to it.

You’ve chosen to live with your partner. She has chosen not to. She made her feelings clear so you shouldn’t be surprised.

I feel very sorry for your DD who appears to have been sidelined in favour of your love life. Why did you allow a man she doesn’t like to move into her home?

It is incredibly unlikely that you will be able to insist she lives with you as her wishes will come first, as they should.

Do you work? I imagine your ex will make a CMS claim against you.

I can say that as a 13-year-old that would probably have scared me too. I would certainly have hated it.

You may know and trust your dp, OP, but clearly your daughter cannot possibly know him as well as you do.

Saying that, I would also wonder what your ex has been saying to dd about your fiancé.

Nonetheless, your daughter didn't have any choice but to put up with your bloke until now. And now she is old enough, and does have a choice, she is making her views very clearly felt.

In 2023 your where still married and living with her dad. Bit fast isn’t it.

I am a step-parent and a step child and it isn't an easy road, but your partner is not responsible for parenting your daughter. As an additional adult in her life he may be kind, helpful and a big support, but you are in charge of her. Has he possibly overstepped this role? My step father never did and we moved into his house, but it always felt like our house. My mum was in charge of my behaviour although he was very much available if required (and still is). I think if she doesn't want to live with you at her age and she has somewhere else to go, she can. Might you be able to rebuild your relationship without your partner present? The teenage years are a difficult time. It might be the worst time for someone who isn't your parent to start 'instilling discipline' or something equally unhelpful. Sorry, OP, this sounds very hard but some time living at her dad's house might benefit you all. Nobody wants to live in the shadow of a couple's arguments, do they?

She has lived with a couple over the years, her dad is married with another child and she has no problem with their relationship. She hasn't had problems with any of my previous relationships either, it seems to be the marriage she is having problems with. I have explained to her it won't change anything from what it is now.

Well, thank God her father is listening to her!
Let her stay at his, as you're insistent in keeping the fiance.
Even if your daughter has lied to school, I'd expect you'd want to sort that out first, work with her and the Welfare Team to figure how to best deal with the lies. It may mean your partner moves back out for a while as you try to figure things out.
What you cannot do, is decide nothing changes, but you'll demand her back from her father.

I think it's a bit off to be slagging op off for having a man in the house? This is what men do isn't it? Crack on with their lives and let the women do the child raising?

So 2023 dh wasn’t her dad either then?????

Exactly this!!!

You can't "demand" anything

It is him OP, your boyfriend. It’s not marriage.
She is terrified of him and there are going to be reasons for that. Ones you are denying to yourself.

You want to marry a man you daughter dislikes enough to want to move out of your home.

Wow. Perhaps it’s best she lives with her dad tbh.

I believe your DD.

You should prioritise your role as mother here.

I don’t know why your partner needs to tell her off anyway? He joined her life when she was 10, that is a delicate age to navigate. “Telling her off” is your job alone. He can tell you if there is something he wants you to address.

Your poor Dd. You see her struggles as “trying to break you up” rather than taking her seriously 😢

You are getting piled on here op and it must be tough to hear. But you are in a tough position and like it or not this is a pivotal moment in your relationship with your daughter.

Only you know exactly what has happened or been said, so only you can reflect on this. How long has she known your partner? How has it happened that an unrelated man has moved in and tells her what to do? It's irrelevant if you think he is right, wind back to being 13 and ask yourself how you would feel. And do you really think it is right that he is trying to take on a parental role? Can you do anything to change this dynamic? Are you willing to understand and prioritise your daughter, even if you think her behaviour is unreasonable? How will your relationship with her look in 10 years if you don't start listening to her? How will it look with him if he's the reason you are low contact with your daughter.....?

You mention that you argue but "no more than any other couple".... That is probably not true. You only ever hear of the arguments from people, you don't hear of the peace, most established couples are not arguing frequently.