AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

you couldn't make 1 relationship work what makes you think you can make another one work.

Go DEMAND her back. it'll be the final nail in the coffin for you. courts take a very dim view of attempted violations of their orders.

it's time you grew up I think and stopped thinking what you want is the most important thing in the world

Exactly, well said.

You can’t put your life on hold for a thirteen year old. If she wants to live with her father then let her go, she knows your number if she wants to contact you, which she will. I don’t think your partner should be involved with disciplining her or even telling her to tidy her room. Teenage years are always difficult for mothers and daughters, perhaps some time apart will be good for you both.

You missed that OP seems to have found at least 2 or 3 ‘ideal partners’ between this daughter’s father, including one she married and had a child by ?

With this frequency of found and lost ‘ideal partners’ I think it’s reasonable to wonder why you think ‘she’s finally found the one!’. You might get a better view if you take your rose-tinted specs off and look at the reality.

The mums put multiple partners before her now teen.

Only at this one is the teen saying enough is enough after a stream
of men/husbands step siblings.

A teen doesn’t get to control their parents life. However a teen a child doesn’t have to accept a revolving door of partners.

Sometimes a parent should put their child before a live in sex partner especially after so so many failed attempts.

You should be putting your child first. She is at a very vulnerable and emotional age and if she does not like living with your partner and you forge ahead with your wedding she will feel that you have put this man before her, and that rift will never heal.

Erm yes because this thread is 26 pages long and unlike you I have a life and don’t have time to read every single last comment!
The reality is that OP has had a normal love life and hasn’t just settled for the first man she came across immediately after her divorce. That is normal!

Normal love life?
Wtf there is nothing normal about consistently shacking up with the latest man, moving them in, having kids with everything 2nd man, getting married ir engaged multiple times when you have young kids to be putting first.

Please put your 13 year old daughter first. Why does he need to move in now? Why do you need to marry now? Listen and trust your child. She is wiser than you.

I have a life thanks 🤗
I also find it more worthwhile to comment with a reasonable level of knowledge. All you need to do is read OP's posts.
Some of us don't think OP's love life is normal.

No it’s absolutely not normal to have moved at least three men into with your child since divorcing their dad ten years ago.

In the last 3 years OP has been married to a man she had a child with, broken up then moved in another man and got engaged to him too. Thats not normal, sensible relationship behaviour.

It’s clear she rushes into relationships or she wouldn’t have moved in a different man every few years, she would have dated them without moving them in.

Didn't realise I added it to someone else's thx

Ask you partner to move out. Get your daughter back. No man is worth it. Trust me. My daughter hasnt forgiven me its been 4 years and im not even with the guy she left the house for.

OK, easily done 😊

What sort of mother brings a man into the house that her daughter does not like? You're selfishly putting your needs above her.

And why is your boyfriend telling your child what to do? That's not his place.

There's only one reason men want to get their feet under the table in a house that has a young girl in residence - and it isn't you.

Yeah, the person he's actually interested in will have left.

Only a doormat puts their man's needs over a child's, even an adult child's.

I’m not sure how you’ve come to that conclusion, knowing nothing about the situation beyond OP’s version. That being said, even though OP has made every attempt to portray herself and her partner is the most flattering of lights, she’s still managed to wave more than one or two red flags.

There have been allegations made, and apparently they’ve been taken seriously enough to justify the father obtaining an emergency order. Those aren’t in fact just handed out freely, so there is almost certainly far more to this than a child being unhappy about her mother remarrying.

Not wanting to live with your creepy boyfriend doesn't make her entitled.

You're putting your needs over hers because you are a selfish woman.

....

Sorry @Bigglebiggle but she’s 13, she’s made it very clear she doesn’t like your fiancé, she’s told you, she’s told school etc that she feels unsafe, You don’t believe her and are ignoring her.
You may have put her first in the past, but right now you have chosen your partner over your daughter.
She wants to live with her Dad, I’m afraid you need to respect that… I would go round there, calmly and ON YOU OWN… or text and ask her if you can meet her somewhere for a milkshake or somewhere, ask her if this is really what she wants, tell her you are heartbroken and will miss her but respect her decision.

You then have a few options…

Wait it out and see if her father and his new family can cope with her behaviour - they might be packing her bags and bringing her back next month!

BUT her behaviour also might be her acting out BECAUSE she doesn’t like your partner, she may have tolerated him but the engagement was too permanent for her, she told you this and it fell on deaf ears, so she started playing up to show you she was unhappy?!… you’ve also ignored this! So now she is doing the only thing she has left to do, let’s face it, we don’t live with people we don’t like, we divorce them etc… she is making that choice and moving out of the house because she doesn’t want to live with your partner that she doesn’t like!

She is telling you ‘choose between me and this man’… you’ve chosen your boyfriend… so she’s moving out! Try and stop her, she’ll hate you!

Yes and often the consequence of that is that the father-daughter relationship is lost. My DD is changing her surname as soon as she turns 16.. to my maiden name because she hasn’t seen her dad for 4 years ‘because he has a new life’…
OP’s daughter has said she feels unsafe, OP is unwilling to believe this, OP doesn’t have to dump her partner but if it’s specifically the wedding her DD is unhappy about OP could delay this for a few years.. if she doesn’t want to that’s fine… but if her daughter wants to live with her dad that is the price of OP’s happiness here xx

I had the same when I was a kid, I hated my Mum's partner and went to live with my Dad. If she doesn't like your partner and he's strict on her, then I can completely understand why she wants to live with her Dad. I think you need to take a step back and try and understand how she's feeling. Whilst I get that you're engaged, it's not fair that your daughter is feeling pushed out, this man has moved into HER home and started laying down the law to her - it's not fair, and the situation should have been addressed long before now. I'd be seriously considering my options. If you want a relationship with your daughter, you need to look at moving your partner out, and slowing everything right down. She's obviously not ready for a new partner to be part of her life. Why does she dislike him so much? How has your partner been strict on her? I'll be honest, it's not his place to parent her, his role should very much be backing you up, not implementing discipline himself. You need to speak to her and see what she wants. Why has your ex got a court order? There must be more to this. Highly recommend you don't continue living with your partner, concentrate on your daughter's needs and see your partner when she's not there.

Why shouldn't she live with her dad?

There's only one reason men want to get their feet under the table in a house that has a young girl in residence - and it isn't you.

Imagine actually having this ridiculous view of all step dads.