AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

[Bigglebiggle]

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

He shouldn’t be telling her what to do at all- he’s not her dad, she already has one of those. Very difficult circumstances but I have similar with my eldest daughter - her dad married a woman she doesn’t like and now she hates going there full stop. Happened when she was 14, she’s 18 now and believe me, it doesn’t change x

Having been a divorced mum of 2 teenage girls I didn’t live with anyone until they both left home. It was their home and they should feel comfortable in it.

Your partner should not be telling her what to do.

If she wants to live with her father, she’s old enough to make that choice. You put a man before her, it’s what you get.

You should listen to your daughter. She should be your focus and if she hates living with you, let her go. She will grow up. She will remember. You have a better chance of a long term relationship with her if you let her choose now, or give up your partner. You force her to stay with him, you will lose her as soon as she has the power.

Not if it was ex parte, she wouldn’t. Considering OP’s throwaway references to allegations and the involvement of the school welfare officer, it’s entirely possible, if not probable, that there are serious grounds for concern here, and this isn’t simply a case of a bratty teenager throwing a tantrum and telling lies.

Incidentally, the police wouldn’t be interested. He’s her parent, he has as much right to ‘have’ her as OP does.

Dick before child, that’s what you’ve done. Is it any wonder she’s upset?

and quite a number of dicks it sounds like too…

that’s your choice, no judgement there, but is it the right choice for a child to be having to protect herself against all these new partners as you don’t seem to hold back on allowing them to tell her what to do.

id be worried what else he’s up to…

now he’s got exactly what HE wanted, just you and his baby, like a cuckoo who pushed one out of the nest to feather his own….

I take it you have brought some man into your house rhen

You are going about this the wrong way. Let her live with her Dad and within a few months she may decide of her own accord she's better off with you. She may feel uncomfortable about your relationship with your new partner and she may be hearing you having sex. Do talk to her why she thinks he's strict or unfair to check he's not being abusive behind your back.

Don't try and control her choices though as it will create issues rather than solve them. It's also unlikely the school would've taken action without some proof or substance in the allegations without talking to you unless they felt further evidence unnecessary...

If anything that shows that it is the fiancé that is the problem, not remarriage. The teenager has a problem with the fiancé and the way he handles conflict. They do not have a problem with Mom having a partner. Mom has has had other partners. It is not a problem with Mom remarrying. Dad has remarried and has other kids. The problem is with how the fiancé is responding to conflict and the interactions between the two of them. And it may not have been an issue before they got engaged. Sometimes when you get engaged and you take a more permanent part in the child’s life, you step in greater and feel like you have, or should have, more parental authority as a step parent then as mom’s boyfriend. Not saying that’s the case here, but I do wonder if this is a new issue and the fiancé has been around for three years.

Exactly. Or perhaps, there have been issues for the whole 3 years but the daughter never expected this relationship to last (given it seems OP has had a couple of live-in partners prior). I suspect an engagement might have led to the 13yr old vocalising her discontent with her future stepdad.

On similar threads the ops always claim ‘I’d do absolutely anything for my children.’ But never add the caveat ‘except provide them with a home they feel safe and loved in of course. My continuing my life is far more important than that, obvs.’

AIBU I moved in with my partner who earns less then me. We share the bills etc. But when it comes to holidays and going out he expected me to pay for me, him, my son and his 2 kids that's 5 of us. I dont think that's fair. He never takes me out and always says hes skint. What should I do? He has no ambition and i feel used!

This screams CSA that you're in denial of.

I have adult daughter who gets anger every time I go round to see her at her dad's. She didnt take our divorce well. But its been 4 years. To cut a long story short, she came back from uni after lockdown and I had to send her to her dad's as she was upset I had moved her brother into her room and moved her into the bigger room downstairs. Then I heard a conversation on the ring doorbell of her and her friend saying horrible things about me and my boyfriend at the time. I got upset when she spend her student loan and didnt pay the rent and I was her guarantor. So I kicked her out. Since then she has ignored me or been rude to me. Every year she tells me n her dad shes moving out. She isnt working. But saying she is online. No proof. What can I do? Won't go for counselling either.

Why on earth are you letting a partner who you've only been with a few years discipline your teenage daughter? He has no business whatsoever telling her to do anything, you are her parent so it's your job to make sure she does her chores etc.

I've had a stepmum since I was about 8. She has never told me off. I'm sure I did things that annoyed her, but I pressume she told my dad and he delt with talking to me about.

I can't imagine how uncomfortable it must feel to be 13 and to have an unrelated man who's only been in your life a few years tell you what to do in your own home. She didn't choose to live with him and his job is make her feel as comfortable as possible as he moves into her space... not to throw his weight around.

Very, very wise words, @Tulipsriver.

End the relationship then???

I would agree (in most instances) with letting the actual parent do the telling off when present, but what about when they are not there. If a child is acting up the step parent can’t be expected to just wait until the biological parent arrives home each time. E.g. daughter is playing music too loud, fine he’ll just let it continue until her mum gets home. Daughters is speaking to him disrespectfully, fine I’ll just get her mum to fight my battle. If there is anyone in the world who has never told off anyone other than their own children, they are very much a wet flannel. The actual disciplining can be left to the real parent, but an expectation of always holding your tongue is unrealistic.

Why is everyone being so hard on OP? She is entitled to a new relationship just as her ex is. Yes divorce and remarriage is hard on children understandably and they want their parents back together but it’s unreasonable to expect that the step parent has no authority in their own home. As long as they are on the same page as the parent in regards to rules and discipline then of course they should discipline the child. The parent should take the lead yes, but the parent isn’t always there! The step parent has every right to live in a peaceful tidy home with a respectful child. Respect goes two ways. And the child needs to learn that this is an adult of the household who pays the bills and has authority in their own home compared to being a child that does not have any authority. The daughter is being spoilt and no doubt has a Disney dad given she only sees him on weekends and holidays so she is expecting an easier ride at his house. Let her go OP, you’ve done everything right. don’t listen to these awful judgey people who expect you to have no relationship or life and for your partner to be subject to bad behaviour in his own home. She needs to learn some respect and hopefully once dad and his partner find out what she’s like on a full time basis they will also start putting their foot down. She’s playing off each parent to try to get the easier life and the more lenient home. There’s nothing you can do about it except know that you did the right thing in continuing to be the responsible adult who won’t let their child dictate their relationship or their home and who actively parented and loved the child. Yes it’s tough being a child of divorce so try to listen to her concerns and adjust where necessary but she doesn’t get to dictate your love life or house rules, she a child and you are the adults.

The child is entitled to be safe in her own home. I suspect there is rather more to the allegations made than the OP wants to admit.

Maybe start your own thread to ask opinions.

Not sure this is relevant to this thread.

Until there is some kind of allegation that warrants a police investigation then there is nothing else going on except a safe child who is unhappy that her mother repartnered and is getting married.

I think you are correct but I also think there's more to this situation.

Did You miss that in the last 10 years, OP has chosen to move at least three different men into her child’s home? One of whom she had another child with, married and divorced a maximum of 3 years ago (as she shared on other threads) before immediately meeting her current partner (as she says they’ve been together 3 years but 3 years ago was living with her second ex husband) and now getting engaged to him?

Do you think that sounds like someone putting their child first?

I did miss that. But it sounds like OP has just not found her ideal partner until now and that is how life is a lot of the time. OP is entitled to a love life just like her ex is. It’s a shame the OPs previous relationships didn’t work out and whilst that is hard for the child it doesn’t mean she should split up with her partner now she’s finally found the one! If the daughter wants to leave as there’s more stability at dads then let her but OP and her partner haven’t done anything wrong here except be normal adults who have normal relationships and expectations of a child in their care.