AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

[Heymommy]

I have a daughter getting ready to go to uni in September. I'm from a different country but myself and my husband had her here and we all go home during Christmas to see family. Our hope was that when she goes to uni in September, we'd go to our home country (8hr flight away) in October ending and return around Easter. That way, we'll be around for the first few weeks in case of her nerves, she will come to us over Christmas and we'll be back by Easter. We will also return in case of emergency and she can fly home to us when she needs to.

In my experience with students, many of them don't even come home that often. They gain new lives, have their friends and parents are usually just hanging around waiting by the phone. Life isn't easy for us here in the UK with high costs, health and preparing to retire. I suffer with the cold and dark winters but I remained to give my child a stable life. Child is an adult now. I work for an international company where I can work remotely from any part of the world. My husband is recently retired.

My daughter is very upset that we're still intending to do this. She says what happens if she wants to pop home some random weekend? She wants me to be there all the time. I understand this but can I sit here week after week, depressed, waiting for her to pop home? I love her more than anything but is it wrong for her to start to grow up on her own? I'm on the phone when she needs, we'll come home often etc
Please tell me what you'll do as a mother. Thank you.

I think there will be a range of views on here. But it is not something I’d contemplate doing. 18 year olds are not adults really, whatever certain corners of Mumsnet and the law says. They are young people, who are still developing, finding themselves and experiencing a time of huge change and transition. I would say that this is a stage in life where young people perhaps most benefit from security and consistency, and an opportunity to return to their home and community.

My DD’s would have been distraught if we’d done this. They are thriving at uni but we have had to make emergency runs to deal with academic crises and illness, have often popped up/ down to have Sunday lunch when they are a bit low, have wanted to be there for events and performances, and they quite often spontaneously return home for a bit of TLC (often with a mate or two in tow) , to go to a party or to see the dog. Even in DD’s year abroad we got to know Aarhus better than we imagined we might! Not to mention coming home in the holidays when they love a bit of a fuss, to see their friends, to prepare for travel and trips abroad, work a bit, get stuck into projects and voluntary work, study, and just touch base after a busy term.

Whatever you decide, keep an eye on the number of days you are out of UK, that can change tax residency if that applies to you.

I think I'd go, but maybe not until her second year at Uni.

You’re not being unreasonable in wanting her to become independent nor are you being unreasonable for wanting to spend more time in your home country.It’s a big step and. a steep learning curve for her going to uni and will take a bit of adjustment. Personally I’d wait until second year just to make sure she’s happy and settled then take it from there.

I wouldn't do this in her first year, it's a lot to cope with starting university and suddenly not having family to go home to all at the same time.

depends how rich you are really. I couldn’t do this as , as poster above points out- they are adults but not really. And they do get homesick. They do still need you at the drop of a hat. If I had the kind of money where in case of an emergency I’d only be max 8 hours away (say Spain or France- where there will always be a flight to the Uk which is only really subject to cost restrictions) and could afford to book a lovely holiday home in the uk for the two weeks at Christmas - then I would do it.

My dc starts uni in September, I wouldn’t dream of going away. He won’t be moving out, just away. I want to be here in case he needs me. 18 is barely an adult. Maybe if he was 20 odd but 18 seems young.

This isn’t something I could do in the first year and certainly not the first term . I think the worst bit is between Christmas and March weather wise so could you start off just doing that if she is settled

I wouldn't. The winter term (January to Easter) in the first year is the hardest IMO. The novelty of the first term, the fun of Christmas and comfort of being home gives way to funds being tight after the holiday; a bit of homesickness; cold, dark, crappy weather and nose to the grindstone as the workload ramps up.

Admittedly I'm talking from general family experience. The modern student experience may well have improved in the last few years..

Both of my dds needed a lot of support and came home about once every three weeks during their first term. They really needed both me and dh and I’d hate to think we were 8 hours away.

Your DD is upset about your suggestion so I’d definitely take that into account. Next year she probably won’t mind at all so do it this time next year.

Wouldn't do this. The uni vacations are long and yes my kids have all popped back on random weekends for various reasons. I have also gone up to visit them, take them for lunch, take them shopping.

Cannot imagine sending an 18 year old off to Uni, and then buggering off to another country for 6 months.

It seems a bit harsh. At least wait until she's in second year! And then maybe go for a shorter period, say November to the end of January.

I’m not a homebody by any means, but during that first year of university, I went home quite a lot. Home is a base. It’s that familiarity and that safety and comfort. Can’t you wait a year until she’s more settled? 18 is legally an adult sure, but emotionally and mentally, they still have a few years growing to do.

I think I'd want to be a bit closer than that and if she's going to a uni near enough your uk home for weekend visits then I'd want to be there for her to visit. My disclaimer on this is that our DS had a major health issue and I'm eternally grateful that we were only an hour or so away. He's fine now, but did have major surgery,

I wouldn’t. We popped to see both DC once a term to see if they were coping and if they needed at. Their needs got less as the years went by, but we were always pleased to see each other.

I definitely wouldn’t do what you’re contemplating. But that’s because I was and am very close with my children and I know that home is vital to well-being. a phone call is no substitute for a welcoming home. Children need parents, young adults need parents, for well being.

I wouldn't do it the first year tbh. They are settling in and it can be tough and they need to know they can come home and they benefit from feeling you are there if they need you.

I’d go but plan to return for Christmas; see how she’s doing and make sure she knows that she still has a foundation and a home. Soon enough it will get easier. I live for my trips home just to get away from the incessant cold weather.

I would not do this, no. I think it’s a selfish thing to do. I’d wait at least until the first year is done.

I wouldn't for the first year at least. Ds had to come home a couple of times when he was unwell with tonsillitis it completely flooded him in the first couple of months and he just needed to come home.

I would reevaluate this when she starts year 2 of Uni. You’ll have a good measure by then of how settled she is and how often she did actually come home in the first year. She will also be more confident then. Have to say, mine didn’t come home often at all, so I think this will ultimately work out for you.

I would not do this. Both of my children came home occasionally during their first year at uni and sometimes with hardly any notice if they were having a hard time. There could be issues arising with friends, her course, flatmates, relationships etc or she might just get really homesick and want comfort so I think it’s important to be there for support, certainly in the first year (and probably all the way through if I’m honest)

My parents moved about an hour from my home in my first year and it was really horrible. I felt I had no true home. I lost all my school friends as I just never saw them again. I would hold off for a year or two

An 8 hour flight makes a difference. I completely understand your need for winter sun but in her first year could you compromise. For example go away for 4 weeks in November, all go mid Dec to mid Jan to fit in with term time and then a further 4 weeks in Feb.

It's probably what we'll do when DS goes to university, though we'll be only a shorthaul flight away.

Assuming you’ll be keeping your UK home (as you’ve said you’ll be back for Easter) go for a much shorter period this first year. A few weeks in November, stay here for Christmas (she’ll presumably want to catch up with friends who are also back from uni) then go away again mid Jan for a few weeks.