AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

[Heymommy]

I have a daughter getting ready to go to uni in September. I'm from a different country but myself and my husband had her here and we all go home during Christmas to see family. Our hope was that when she goes to uni in September, we'd go to our home country (8hr flight away) in October ending and return around Easter. That way, we'll be around for the first few weeks in case of her nerves, she will come to us over Christmas and we'll be back by Easter. We will also return in case of emergency and she can fly home to us when she needs to.

In my experience with students, many of them don't even come home that often. They gain new lives, have their friends and parents are usually just hanging around waiting by the phone. Life isn't easy for us here in the UK with high costs, health and preparing to retire. I suffer with the cold and dark winters but I remained to give my child a stable life. Child is an adult now. I work for an international company where I can work remotely from any part of the world. My husband is recently retired.

My daughter is very upset that we're still intending to do this. She says what happens if she wants to pop home some random weekend? She wants me to be there all the time. I understand this but can I sit here week after week, depressed, waiting for her to pop home? I love her more than anything but is it wrong for her to start to grow up on her own? I'm on the phone when she needs, we'll come home often etc
Please tell me what you'll do as a mother. Thank you.

She is, thank you. She knows she has more to look forward to next year.
She's so outgoing and independent it was quite a shock to see her so depressed and sad all the time.
I hope your DD is doing better now too 😊

Thank you for reading the updates. She travels well on her own. She's a more confident traveller than I am too, travelling on her own to family in USA, Portugal, Dubai etc

I think she can do 2 weeks in December before she comes home but we'll see.

Yes that sounds fair enough. I was just thinking if your SAD is really terrible you could have a month in Tenerife or Spain in November and you'd be home before she was if needed and she's 4 hours away.

I would ( and do) spend time away in winters. However DS also has a perfectly good father he can go and spend time with if he wished.

It seems strange to me its considered necessary for parents to stay at home in case they eir kids want to visit but no obligation on the kids to return. MY DS didn't come home any weekends ( hard a nightclub job and friends) or any summers as working abroad and traveling in Europe on year and backpacking asia the next.

So why would I have needed to be say indoors just in case?

I personally want to make sure my DS knows things are just the same at home when he starts in September, so he can come back whenever he wants to and feel that he has a solid base. In the first year, in halls, they'll be back more often than subsequent years, too. I would hold off until the end of university.

I don't think you should leave your child. I went home a lot from uni for weekends, especially in the first year when it was all a little scary.

You created this transatlantic (if that is what it is) life for your family so I think you should continue to deal with it.

Everyone thought I would breeze through uni but my first year was horrible - bullied in halls etc. I pretended everything was fine to my parents as I didn’t want to upset them but it was very much not. If they’d not been there, as a safe presence in our family home, it would have made things 10x worse. I would personally delay this plan until second year at least.

They don't all spend the first year in halls. Mine was in a 48 week tenancy from the start

I think it was a bad idea to leave as soon as she started uni but going in December, having her come out and then coming back a bit later might be a good compromise. Starting uni is a huge adjustment for teenagers.

I would keep the tickets open if you can so if she's having a terrible time at uni you can come back earlier and if she's having a great time you can stay out till Easter.

I would present this as having listened carefully to her, considered her position and come up with a compromise - rather than saying you were put straight by people on MN! She'll feel much happier I:m sure if she thinks you're listening to her and trying to find a compromise that works for you both.

I think your December - Feb/March compromise sounds fine. Coming from a dual nationality family myself, living or spending extended amounts of time in the other country is quite normal. Your daughter will acclimatise, although I do understand that it is a lot of change for her. However, you sound as if you are a good parent so will have given her the tools she needs to cope. All you can do is try it and see what happens. You can always come back if need be.

It's really interesting hearing about the differences in opinions about 18 year olds. I really didn't think people felt this way. I'm just trying to do the best for my daughter.
Someone suggested I waited 4 years I'm not sure how to respond to that. We are talking about a healthy girl/woman. How will she even learn to grow knowing mom is just home hanging around for her? I don't think it's a good example. But I'm hearing how difficult it is right now.
I don’t understand what you mean by hanging around for her. I was born in the UK, and unfortunately for me don’t have the option to work from anywhere or go home to escape the winter!
Two of my kids have gone to university in the UK and have grown up to be independent adults perfectly well despite me and their Dad setting a terrible example by living in our home being a couple of hours away. We’re not hanging around we’re living our lives!

@Cariad52Ditto here! We enjoyed holidays without dc when they were at university and afterwards. Waiting around we were not! But on occasions they came home to see friends. The op is approaching this like a job. It’s done and dusted when dc reach 18. I imagine not British - using word Mom. I do think overseas students know parents are a long flight away, but many British based students like Mom around for very occasional visits!

She already came to me that same day to say of course she'll be fine and she realised I'm not away for very much at all especially as she does a lot of travelling as well.
To be honest, if I left my decisions to MN, I'll be in super trouble, wouldn't I😂
I already am flexible, all our flights are always open and she knows this.
I think it's okay for them to encounter difficulty and find their ways through it though. How would they grow otherwise? Thanks

@MeetMeOnTheCorner

Fyi

'Mom' is very common in the midlands, as is mam in the north

This is what I would do too

"closed up and cold" 😂
Do you think OP lives in downton abbey or something, with cavernous halls and dust sheets over the furniture? Get an absolute grip!

"closed up" = unlock the door
"cold" = turn the heating on!
"hot meal" = she is 18! she should be able to cook for herself! It's not like she'll be living off cold gruel at uni.

Some posters have made some sensible points but the sad face excessive guilt tripping others are trying is just ridiculous!

At the end of the day WANTING her mum isn't the same as NEEDING her.
Feeling homesick or upset isn't life ending, it's completely normal for almost every uni student at some point. FWIW I agree that a compromise of being abroad something like Dec- March would be best, coupled with a week or two away in spain or somewhere else with cheap flights in November or whenever to help break up the winter. Then reconsider next year.

i think it’s too long to be away in first year. Start of with 2 extra weeks than you would usually go for this year and gradually increase the time you’re abroad in subsequent years.

I’d wait it out for the first year - there is usually a lot of severe mental health problems that kick off around week 6 - late October early November and at the end of the first year

even if your child is usually ok, just getting in with the wrong crowd at the start can cause no end of problems for them

Usually?? Wow obviously you know different people to me as I've not known of any MH problems ( especially severe ones) ,that appear in a few weeks after starting uni if they students haven't had them before. .

My little princess arriving through the night on her horse letting herself in through great oak doors and lighting a candle, walking through cobwebs into the great hall with white sheets over the grand piano that she removes and sits down on the dusty stool to play a sombre melody...

Far from it. I'm not away that long. It would only be February really that she won't see me. In between, if she feels like going home (and not to her aunties or cousins of same age), she'll have warm bright home in seconds, a freezer and pantry full of food or better still for her preference, call uber eats in peace.
If my daughter was suffering so much, I would be back in a heartbeat anyway.
I do worry about emergencies (e.g. Health) so I'll need to ensure family are on hand.

@backformoreofthesame well I'm still here in week 6 and at the end of first year and plenty more in between.

Mother of a (finished exams last week) first year. A couple of thoughts:

Doesn’t leaving a house empty for more than 30 days invalidate your insurance cover?

Doesn’t your daughter have any school/local friends she’d dearly love to see?

Isn’t being away for so long really going to mess up your tax liabilities here and abroad?

Back to my experience this past year: I don’t think DD came home in term 1 (didn’t have a reading week and we are 4-5 hours away), BUT we visited her to spoil her with meals out/new clothes and stuff she’d forgotten to pack.

Despite the Uni published calendars, the academic year seems to vary A LOT depending on what you study and your modules. Yes there are some international students around for all the holidays (and various societies/welfare will organise things), but it does feel lonely when a flat empties for various reasons. Most are 18 and only just getting the hang of trying to adult.

In your position, get online to find cheap dates for flights and maybe do 3-4 week blocks this year if you really must.

My parents moved away when I was at university. My dad was offered an overseas position in Asia.

I won’t lie, I found it very hard, I felt like I had no base, or safe space when things were rough, or I just wanted to be in my own room at home. It made me feel very vulnerable at the time. I think I also stayed in unhealthy relationships & friendships longer than I should have, just because they gave me something to cling to. I felt if I walked away from those, I’d really be on my own. It also made the goodbyes with my parents (when they’d come home, or I’d be leaving after a visit) really emotional. They were far more emotional than they would have been had I just popped home for the weekend, because you knew it would be so long before you could see each other again.

All that said, I’m here now, unscathed and it did no lasting damage. I’ve had healthy relationships since then & it probably taught me resilience and self reliance. So the traumatic aspect of it was very much related to how it felt at the time.

As others have said, 18 is still so young. It’s your first experience of being away from home and I was desperately homesick for the first few terms. I needed my parents, as my anchor.

I don’t think I would go the first year. I think I would give your daughter the chance to adjust and see how she finds it.

I wouldn’t leave my DS or DD in their first year of university.

I understand that UK winters are hard for you too though, so I wish you well in your decision xx

It's probably a fear of the unknown starting university, exams ongoing at the moment and basically realising she's growing up which has her reacting like this. Your plan sounds fine OP she's an 18 year old woman not an 8 year old child. Everyone has instant phone communication with everyone else so she'll be fine.

Some of the mumsnet martyrs would have you sitting around waiting to be useful until the kid was 30 ffs. Go live your life and I'm bloody jealous as Irish winters are uafásach.

Sorry if I have missed it, but I assume she won’t have to vacate her property in the holidays. Because that can be tricky without parents and a car.

I had neurotypical well-adjusted kids. But I have to say the start of uni for both of them was more ‘brutal’ than we ever predicted. It took a while for them to embed in their social lives and I was surprised how much we were emotionally needed in that time. I left for uni at 18 but had unapproachable parents so dealt with it all on my own. I don’t think that was the right thing at all as I felt unsupported and sad. I’m glad that I was there for my kids.

One of my kids is in their final year and has had some health problems. I am very glad that we have been here for them, either to visit or to bring them home when unwell.

I would listen to what your daughter is saying and work out a compromise from there. There is still time to adjust plans so that everybody is happy.

The health thing is something to think about it. This was not serious, but my daughter had an episode of something like flu in her first term. She didn’t ask me to visit. But I did pop over and ended up staying the night as she looked so unwell. I bought her tablets, changed the sheets that she had drenched through, and stocked up her fridge with the right kind of food and drink.

Of course she didn’t need me there urgently. But she would not have felt comfortable at that stage to ask people around her to get her food and drink. It was nice to make her room clean and fresh again. This is not a ‘must have’ but it is a ‘nice to have’ for new students and it’s something worth considering.