AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

[Heymommy]

I have a daughter getting ready to go to uni in September. I'm from a different country but myself and my husband had her here and we all go home during Christmas to see family. Our hope was that when she goes to uni in September, we'd go to our home country (8hr flight away) in October ending and return around Easter. That way, we'll be around for the first few weeks in case of her nerves, she will come to us over Christmas and we'll be back by Easter. We will also return in case of emergency and she can fly home to us when she needs to.

In my experience with students, many of them don't even come home that often. They gain new lives, have their friends and parents are usually just hanging around waiting by the phone. Life isn't easy for us here in the UK with high costs, health and preparing to retire. I suffer with the cold and dark winters but I remained to give my child a stable life. Child is an adult now. I work for an international company where I can work remotely from any part of the world. My husband is recently retired.

My daughter is very upset that we're still intending to do this. She says what happens if she wants to pop home some random weekend? She wants me to be there all the time. I understand this but can I sit here week after week, depressed, waiting for her to pop home? I love her more than anything but is it wrong for her to start to grow up on her own? I'm on the phone when she needs, we'll come home often etc
Please tell me what you'll do as a mother. Thank you.

DD got Covid 3 weeks into term and came home for a week.
She also came home a few other times (sometimes bringing friends) and I popped to see her at her request but she is less than 2 hours away
Its personal choice but I would not be out of the country for long periods just yet

I think the advice you are not listening to is although your daughter thinks she will be “fine” , you don’t know how it’s going to pan out. You can’t see into the future. I would rather be a few hours drive away than in another country for months. I did go away when dd was in her first month of uni but it was for 4 days and my ex h was available for her as well as his family.

Your experience is therefore different to mine

and sometimes the signs have been there but the immediate family was used to working around issues that it’s just normal life to them

ans sometimes bad things happen

@HeymommyYour opening post says October to Easter! Now you say just February! Which is it? Has dd a reading week in Feb?

Please allow me ask what advice I'm not listening to. No one knows how anything would pan out and I've already explained multiple times about the times I'd actually be away and how I can return in a heartbeat and how we have family around and how my husband will be around often...
What if your daughter needed you the first day of your 4 day trip, would you not come back? How is that different from me?
What is missing?

@Heymommy Most 4 day trips are not 8 hours flight away and dd hasn’t got an option to see her mum as you originally said you were going for 6 months! Completely different!

@Madcats everything else is fine. We're speaking of daughter. To answer you, she has friends she'd love to see and she has a house she can come to if she wants to. @MeetMeOnTheCorner yes, opening post is before I was asked lots of things that I could clarify and answer, which I had done lots of before your comments. You even referred to some of my replies. I asked about October at first and the not long after stated I could easily make it December and have said that a lot. But you keep referring to long periods as though I haven't clarified. Is it clearer for you now? @Flourshiba it's looking I'll be far more around than your parents may have been. I'll be away Dec to March, seeing her in Dec-Jan Christmas and so only time with no visit is Feb. Then I'm back till end of year again.

I keep coming back out of respect to everyone taking their time to comment all sorts, giving extensive amounts of reassurance and clarification. The first post was the opener and I have clarified as we proceeded. It looks like there is nothing I could be asked that I haven't answered yet. It's all above.

Sometimes bad things happen to cause severe mental health stress in the 6 weeks of starting uni, well not even just sometimes, you said usually

People are trying to tell you to stay at home just in case daughter wants mummy to hold her hand and cook a hot dinner. In other words how dare you have a life of your own rather than waiting around for any little want of DDs

If there was a genuine emergency I'm sure you'd find a way to be available. And it seems you've brought up to DD to be a confident traveller already so I suppose she could join you in the holidays if she wanted

Yes I was a 2 hour flight away! And she has a home with her dad that she very happy to stay at as her sister was there anyway and her grandparents home is 20 mins away from uni. So one of them would have collected her if she was in distress as she’s very close to her grandparents. I am only saying that I did not imagine her first year would be so bumpy and I would never imagine she would get so sick and also struggle too! All kids are different but I’m saying approach with caution.

@Heymommy the specific advice is stay home the first semester then crack on. I can’t believe you are not getting it,

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe I think most of us do! It’s a bit like starting school all over again - unexpected glitches and bugs!

I echo this. We live in the Home Counties and as our youngest has gone to Uni - we want to move to central London only 30 mins on the train - but she is deeply close to all her school friends - she has just finished first year and her Xmas holidays at home with all her mates reconnecting was magical for her - same now in summer holidays. If you want to go out - maybe go after Xmas for 3 months - and if she has a reading week half way in that term plan for her to come out to you. Their friendships and home town anchors are very precious and foundational in these uncertain times. I wouldn’t risk any emotional upset at this early age when you have got her so far.

Is semester a term? If so she's doing that anyway and not leaving until December

Does that really mean moving house is never OK if you’ve got children with friends

Thats madness

Yes, that’s completely mad. If your eighteen year old can’t stay in touch with old school friends who’ve stayed local off his/her own bat, it really isn’t a reason to stay living somewhere.

I wouldn’t do this but then I wouldn’t ever deliberately move 8 hours away from my dd.

I don’t think you ever stop needing your mum, I’d be upset if my mum did this and I’m 47 🙈😂

Maybe stay one more winter (unless you have a pressing need to go, like elderly parents to look after etc). After that first year - crack on! They will have gotten used to independent living by then

@WhatsAWeekend I know no one who moved or downsized when dc was at university. My DC boarded and they had friends scattered about but liked home! It gave security. If dc cannot get a job after uni, and 1 in 8 grads doesn’t, what then if you have retired to the back of beyond or abroad? University has changed and dc are now by no means certain to earn enough to live independently or even earn at all!

In terms of moving
People here were talking about parents moving house away from kids school friends
That particular comment wasnt about moving abroad

so yes I know many many people that have moved
some involving kids moving school
some whilst kids stayed at the same school
and after kids left for Uni to another part of the country

Thinking about it I also know of parents that moved abroad, whilst dc at Uni. Son eventually moved to another country for work too

But that’s not actually what the conversation relating to my comment was about anyway
It was about moving within the same country

I went to uni a three hour flight away from my parents at the age of seventeen. My choice. I’d fly home to see them four times year ie all holidays.

Was it hard at times? Yes. Did it help me build resilience and become an adult? Also yes.

I’d do it. You’ll be in the Uk six months of the year and you’ll also break up the other six months with Christmas. It’s fine.

But it's ok when the adult children move the other side of the world? Crazy

@Heymommy could you not just wait until your daughter is say…30 or something like that, as in a proper established adult before you consider living away in the winter?

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe

The great thing about advice is that you are not obliged to accept any one individual's 'specific ' advice.
Your advice may be to wait a term, other people don't agree.
As far as I can see the op has made some adjustments to her original plan, been clear that the family home is not being sold and that her DD is ok with the plan.

@Thechaseison71 I don’t think many parents relish losing dc to the other side of the world either! Plus what do that permanently at 18? Most parents I know with dc in Aus or NZ understand why dc are there but I’ve never met any who actively like it. The dc have gone as adults and keeping relationships going can be hard! Relationships with grandchildren very difficult.