AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

[Heymommy]

I have a daughter getting ready to go to uni in September. I'm from a different country but myself and my husband had her here and we all go home during Christmas to see family. Our hope was that when she goes to uni in September, we'd go to our home country (8hr flight away) in October ending and return around Easter. That way, we'll be around for the first few weeks in case of her nerves, she will come to us over Christmas and we'll be back by Easter. We will also return in case of emergency and she can fly home to us when she needs to.

In my experience with students, many of them don't even come home that often. They gain new lives, have their friends and parents are usually just hanging around waiting by the phone. Life isn't easy for us here in the UK with high costs, health and preparing to retire. I suffer with the cold and dark winters but I remained to give my child a stable life. Child is an adult now. I work for an international company where I can work remotely from any part of the world. My husband is recently retired.

My daughter is very upset that we're still intending to do this. She says what happens if she wants to pop home some random weekend? She wants me to be there all the time. I understand this but can I sit here week after week, depressed, waiting for her to pop home? I love her more than anything but is it wrong for her to start to grow up on her own? I'm on the phone when she needs, we'll come home often etc
Please tell me what you'll do as a mother. Thank you.

This is the best compromise.

Your DD is probably very nervous about this next chapter if her life and knowing you’ve left for another country weeks after she’s moved to university probably makes her feel she’s being abandoned. You’re not, but I think you’ll should postpone your plans for at least her first year.

Face time is not the same as popping home. It’s far too long to leave her. My DDs didn’t come home much but DD1 had reading weeks and did volunteering from home and then did some work experience when based here at Christmas.

Theres also the ludicrous assumption she will be able to afford housing when she has a degree. Thousands of grads don’t get jobs at all! So just leaving her with all this uncertainty feels selfish and unkind. Visit relatives for a few weeks but maintain a home here for DD. Surely she means more than relatives abroad?

@MeetMeOnTheCorner

What your, or my uni students want to do at at Christmas isn't relevant.

If you read the ops updates, her DD wants to be with the family abroad at Christmas, as usual.
They are not selling the family home. They will still be in the UK from Easter to October.
They aren't making her homeless and you have no idea what longer term provisions they are making.
For all we know the parents may be able to give her a deposit.
Its you who had made a massive assumption - as well as not reading the thread

Why are people so intent on infantilising their DC as they approach adulthood? It’s one thing to provide love and support but adolescent is meant to be about growing into becoming a fully functioning adult not just being an oversized child. Being in a different country whilst your child is at university is fine @Heymommy

My parents did something similar. My dad worked abroad and my mum moved to join him once I went to uni. I encouraged her to go, told her I'd be fine, expected to be fine. Then completely fell apart. It was awful.

I just felt like I had nowhere to go and nobody to turn to when things went wrong. Friends went home to catch up with school friends for birthdays and occasions, they had Christmas at home, they could go get a hug from their mum when they got dumped or fell out with their housemates etc etc.

It wasn't the end of the world, I coped, but it was WAY harder than I expected and I wouldn't recommend it if it's not necessary. At least stay through the first year if you can.

i barely came home when I went to uni, I got a job and made a life there. If you were my mum, the plan would be fine!

Given and seems upset I’d hold off on the full winter plan. Your revised plan sounds fine. You might find it’s a non issue if she settles in well.

Maybe her 3rd year, but as a first year without your home to go back to as an older teen Is just rubbish. She’s only 18. She needs you more now than ever!

My eldest is 18 and starting uni in September. I would never in a million years leave the country for half the year.

I wouldn't in her first year - it's a huge adjustment, and she will want to lean on you for support. I needed my parents a lot in the first 2 years of Uni, granted I did have stuff going in which meant I needed them more but being able to go back home and see them on weekends was so important to me and clearly she feels the same right now - in a year or two it might be totally different once she's had time to settle, make friends and make her own way in the world. Can understand your side too though, maybe you could go for 1-2 months rather than the whole winter?

I'd find this really, really selfish.
You chose to have her here but now rip away her home and community. Being away for such a long time will make her feel abandoned. It's like you're washing your hands off her.

Are girls different from boys didn’t have any emergencies with my lot they did come home but nothing regular even. In he first year

Thank you very much @Ted27
@MeetMeOnTheCorner her uni is 4hrs from home (her dream uni) and not sure what you're meaning about accommodation where we have no issues with. Her home is here and definitely not homeless.

My parents did this - I was 19 and a full adult. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to need my parents at my beck and call at that age. Id already been travelling before university and couldn’t wait to get on with my grown up life.

Please I'm not the most tech-y but I know you ctrlF or use find on page and type my name, you'll see all the answers and updates. Uni starts September, I'll be here September, October, (now) November and then go away Dec1, she'll come to me for sunny christmas (which she loves) mid Dec and return mid Jan before school. She can come home, see her friends, socialise etc.

@wheresthesnowgone We aren't selling our house. It's home and it's there for ever. I'm not moving forever, just for the winter. she has a home to go back to.
@cathobnobcat are you reading this my thread? no one is ripping her home or community. It's all here, I'm the one going away in October or December. I'll be back in March and will be here till next winter.
@Swissmeringue @cannynotsay she can come home anytime. In fact, my husband will be home on and off during the time. There is always home to come to. Always.
We live here in the UK. I'll be back here in a heartbeat if my girl was poorly or needed me. What I don't want to do is just sit here with an empty nest, cold, depressed and bored when I could be useful elsewhere and less depressed. We aren't downsizing. We have 2 homes which will stay like this.

Sorry I haven't mentioned most people who agreed with me or other points already addressed, I didn't want to fill up the page unnecessarily.

@Heymommy You wrote that your DD is upset! I responded to that comment plus you thought university is a completely new life, and by implication you could disappear for months. Now you are rowing back on that but that wasn’t in your op. Not all students can be self sufficient at 18/19 and she’s saying she might not be. You are ignoring her. It looks cold and selfish I’m afraid.

Our dc are going to UK uni and we are in the USA, so they won't be popping home for weekends. What you're suggesting doesn't sound unreasonable but obviously it's making your dc uncomfortable.
It sounds as though you may need to find a compromise.

@onlygeese It’s a thing with some uk students to come home and visit friends. Birthday events etc mean they want to come home occasionally. Many students like their friends who haven’t gone to university and do like to keep in touch. Maybe that’s what she’s thinking and it’s not every weekend! Maybe once or twice a term. Some dc even quite like the idea of seeing their parents, siblings and pets occasionally. Don’t Americans ever touch base with parents? After all, staying in state usually gives a fee reduction.

You know your child more than anyone on here OP

From personal experience
I went to Uni and didn’t return home till Christmas.
and all three of my children were the same
We were all more than happy to enjoy our independence

Since you’ve said you’ll return home in a heartbeat if needed I think you’ve thought it through and found a compromise if needed

When I was at university I didn’t know anyone who ever went home in the terms - they’re only about 10 weeks after all. We did have the mid term parent visit where they would come, take us out for lunch and load up the fridge but that
wasn’t every parent - mine only did it in term 1 and 3.

We live in Australia and my son is considering universities in the U.K. and Asia because in Sydney nearly everyone stays at home for uni and he thinks that sounds boring - and I agree! Unfortunately the best universities are here in Sydney so there’s no point going to a different city.

Anyway, as someone else said, you know your own child but if she’s really worried about it, maybe go for a month the first year and then extend it in future years.

I'm a Brit and couldn't go home easily as a student due to families location so I wasn't popping back between terms. I don't think American students do keep popping back either as distances are significant here.
Issue isn't the basic idea but the fact that the dd is unhappy with it. My dc have chosen to go to UK and while I support it I would also have supported a USA destination.

God no

I think the fact she’s upset about it makes it clear. I’d put it off for the first year, or at least until after Christmas when she might feel more confident and settled.

Wait to see how he settles in the first term; for what she said she may feel abandoned if you just go off as soon as she starts university; like she was a bother and you couldn’t wait her to be off. I know this is not the case as I also find winters depressing in the UK.

One thing that helped me last winter was joining Virgin active for the pool, jacuzzi and steam room. It made a difference, plus all the vitamins. I know is not the same as I also dream of escaping the UK each winter since I moved here many years ago

I think maybe give it 6 months and see, but ultimately your DD is 18 now and you can’t stick around forever incase she might want to pop by. My DD is also 18, just sitting A levels, and we are both relocating in August, 250 miles away. She has known for years the intention, as I cannot afford to buy here in South East, but can there in the North West (and I grew up there so have family / friends still). She is actually happy to come, but could have stayed at her dad’s house with her brother and his gf) if she really didn’t want to come. But I wouldn’t have changed my plans incase she wanted to pop back to the South East and visit me there. I need to think of my future, and paying off a mortgage before I retire. I’d just hold off short term, and then go.

Listen to your DD.

Also, exams take place in January, will she want to travel for Christmas? She may want to revise.