AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

[Heymommy]

I have a daughter getting ready to go to uni in September. I'm from a different country but myself and my husband had her here and we all go home during Christmas to see family. Our hope was that when she goes to uni in September, we'd go to our home country (8hr flight away) in October ending and return around Easter. That way, we'll be around for the first few weeks in case of her nerves, she will come to us over Christmas and we'll be back by Easter. We will also return in case of emergency and she can fly home to us when she needs to.

In my experience with students, many of them don't even come home that often. They gain new lives, have their friends and parents are usually just hanging around waiting by the phone. Life isn't easy for us here in the UK with high costs, health and preparing to retire. I suffer with the cold and dark winters but I remained to give my child a stable life. Child is an adult now. I work for an international company where I can work remotely from any part of the world. My husband is recently retired.

My daughter is very upset that we're still intending to do this. She says what happens if she wants to pop home some random weekend? She wants me to be there all the time. I understand this but can I sit here week after week, depressed, waiting for her to pop home? I love her more than anything but is it wrong for her to start to grow up on her own? I'm on the phone when she needs, we'll come home often etc
Please tell me what you'll do as a mother. Thank you.

If it were me, I'd wait another year. First year especially is a very varying experience for young people. Sometimes there are significant academic mismatch of expectations, also finding their feet socially, adjusting to halls and even finding friends to rent with for the following year, can be emotive. I think the transition to Uni can be big enough without your parents being far away. Also many first years return home every month or so for a weekend. Maybe not the first month or two of Uni when things feel new and exciting, but there's a point where reality sets in.

Can you wait until 2nd year or 3rd year of Uni? Or go for shorter periods of time? Does she have other family here or very close family friends that could fill in? If it were me I wouldn't contemplate leaving the country for the winter this year and if I did second year I'd do it for shorter periods to see how it goes.

I'm not into baby-ing young people but there's also not some magic button at 18 where suddenly you are a fully formed adult who has drastically different needs, skills and formal supports, compared to at age 17. I think there can be a huge shift that takes place, but so much of that first year of Uni is requiring growth in other ways, having consistency with your parents can be key.

Stay in the UK for the first winter, until she finds her feet and is confident, but make it clear that being abroad is the plan for subsequent years.

The thing is you cant predict how things are going to go once she starts

My daughter stared uni last September after taking a year out (so a year older than yours)

She really struggled the first few months, with making friends, the change in work load and just finding her feet. She was back a couple of weekends a month just for comfort. Just knowing she could do that stopped her from quiting

Fast forward to now and she doesn't want to come home, has a great social life and boyfriend and loves the course and uni life. But those early days were very touch and go and she really needed to be able to just come home to us when she was struggling

There is a lot of infantilising on this thread! I can only give my experience, which is that I went away to a uni that was 8 hours travel from home. As my parents worked I knew there was no way they could pop along to see me at the drop of a hat, and neither they nor I could pop home at a weekend. But we had the phone for any wobbles I had! This was really important for me as I am autistic, and this was a really good way of me learning to be independent. I went home at Xmas and during the summer, although for the last two years I stayed near uni and worked during the summer and my parents came to visit me instead.

Uni is about gaining independence and flying the nest in a safe and supportive way. If you don't let your children do it now, when will they get the chance?

YANBU OP. Children should know their parents are full people in their own right and deserve to live the life they have - to some degree - put on hold while devoting their time, energy and resources to giving their children a wonderful upbringing.

You are moving locations for part of the year, not changing your name, throwing your phone away and disappearing in the dead of night never to be seen again.

I think it would be fine, she can face time you. Go and enjoy it, she will be fine. She will fly out for Christmas and see you then, which isn’t long at all.

I voted YANBU, but I'm not English. I left home and moved to the other side of the world at 19 (which wasn't unusual at the time), so I find it shocking there seem to be so many young adults now who require mollycoddling. Having said that, if my child was vulnerable and would fail to thrive without another year or two of support, I would stay. I wonder why she feels she needs you (I don't mean that in a bad way)? Why does she not trust herself to start living her life? If something goes wrong, you said you'll fly back. If she just wants a weekend with you, she can fly to you or perhaps you can both meet someone else and have a nice weekend away. It's just such an exciting time, full of opportunity (for you both), that I'm surprised she needs such a safety net.

This is the reason I'm thinking you are responding to a different thread because I'm not sure what you mean by 'you thought university is a completely new life...' and that I'm ignoring her. How am I ignoring her when I'm talking about it with her, I'm bringing it here etc? No need to reply, I appreciate your contribution but I think you're mixing this with something else.

I suggest you read your op. And don’t tell me what to do @Heymommy

You said “they gain new lives”, “we would return in an emergency”, “she can fly to us when she wants to” (clearly a joke when it’s 8 hours!), “parents are usually just hanging around by the phone”, “child is an adult now” etc. You clearly see your role as a parent is over. Very odd the way your needs, which seem very exaggerated, trump hers. Therefore, as a mother, I’d go for a much shorter period of time. You asked the question!

What’s your long term plan? To move to your home country permanently?

Part of her argument was what would I even be doing over there, I'd be bored, etc without her. I think she is used to my life revolving around her really and I think it's okay that changes. She didn't consider that she would be living far away from home anyway, living with people, building her own life etc. She is growing into a woman and I would hate for her to remain so dependent on me or anyone.

I appreciate your question @C152 that what makes her not trust herself in that way.
She's come to me last night and said she's sorry she blew things out of proportion especially as she's known the plan from start. She says she herself needs to grow and mature and she sometimes forgets it's not her yearly camping trip where she goes and comes home etc but she knows home is always here to come to whenever. I told her I totally understand her worry, and let's talk about what she'll need to make it okay for me to go. Part of it is her exam pressure which will finish this week. She has back to back holidays with her friends and us, booked from next week to end of summer. The only real time she has at home is results week.

I'll keep talking to her to see how ready she feels.

All very well in theory, but what if she’s unhappy for whatever reason, and wants to come home just for the weekend? Or just wants to attend some do with friends from home?

Presumably she could still go home and see friends? The house isn’t being sold.

Picking out lines and missing the context isn't helpful. Her needs to pop in once a while to see me must trump my need to escape a deep depression. Got it, I'll leave you to your judgement of things. Sorry to offend you.
Thank goodness more all the other posts on the different opinions on all sides.

Then she would. Her home is right where it is now. How would that change? Please see my previous comments for more context.

@Heymommy I am guessing that from an eight hour flight and £1500 airfare with sunshine in December you are from somewhere in southern Africa? I really do understand that it is a special type of suffering for people raised in Africa forced to endure endless English winters. My South African mother-in-law and Zimbabwean and brother-in-law both really suffer with this and my mother-in-law is now committed to spending winters in South Africa, which does her the world of good.

However, whatever your own needs, that does not detract from the fact that you are choosing to leave your youngster on a different continent at a time of great change and transition. I think what posters (and possibly you) have struggled to differentiate is the difference between a young person leaving a safe, stable and secure base to explore the world, having wonderful adventures and choosing to be independent, and a young person seeing their parents choose to leave them, effectively removing their safe base at a time when they might really need it. From a psychological perspective, that is a very different thing in terms of their sense of security and belonging.

She’s probably nervous about going to uni and having you so far away as well. Interestingly DS didn’t come home in his first term (although I went to see him once he had settled in) but came home more often in subsequent terms

Yes. My parents didn’t move anywhere, but my sisters moved into my room and any belongings I didn’t bring with me to university or get rid of were boxed in the attic, and I was on the sofa if I visited in the vac. (Tiny, overcrowded house, many younger siblings). I’d absolutely moved out and was a visitor if I came back for any reason.

@Heymommy I'm probably coming at it from a different viewpoint to the majority of horrified posters on this thread. I arrived in the UK as an international student, it cost everything my family had to pay for my studies and travel/living expenses. Other side of the world. There was no popping home, nor could my parents have popped over to see me.

Was I homesick, did I have many difficult times? Hell yes. We didn't even have a cheap easy means of getting in contact. My parents invested in a computer, modem and that newfangled email stuff - but that was the limit of our "high speed" comms.

Now I'm old and wrinkled and I've been working at various universities for most of my career and I meet fresh new students from far away lands all the time. Do they feel homesick, do they have difficult times? Hell yes. They can't pop home or have mum pop over either. At least they have the ability to video call, in the pockets, all the time.

I'm not doing a Four Yorkshiremen thing, just putting in perspective that young people have coped (and still do cope!) with starting university, without necessarily needing attentive scaffolding. Also in context, we are talking about a young person starting university in the country and culture they've grown up in, where everything is familiar; also that you're only considering spending a few months of each year away, not clearing off to Outer Mongolia to live in a yurt with no contact for eternity.

Only you and your DD can know whether this plan will work for your family.

YABVU
I wouldn’t do it. She needs you here.
Wait until she starts her second year.

@RasaSayangEh I also spent a year abroad when at uni and then went to Tanzania for two years VSO in my early twenties. But part of the reason I was able confidently to choose to have those adventures was knowing that my parents were there at home for me if I needed them. I made an active and positive choice to be apart from my family. This is a completely different situation to a parent choosing to leave their child at this time.

This exactly
I think I would at least see the first year thru and see how she gets on.
university is a huge step and this may be adding to her anxiety levels not having coming home as an option.

@Pendapala Sure, I don't disagree with your perspective. Just giving mine.

Thank you, it makes sense what you've said like I'm leaving her. It'll help our conversation to have this in mind. I'm not leaving her, I'm going away 'for a short time' and will be back soon.
We're definitely here all spring and summer and most of autumn too.

I think a compromise sounds fine. For the first term I would do middle of December, (maybe fly back with her actually), then back 1st March. Or is she a competent traveller? There might be some complicated back and forth - uni/home/airport/ that might be tricky for her to navigate?

The only thing I would make sure is - can they leave their stuff in halls? It's always much nicer to have a parent help move stuff!

If you still have your house here (even if you aren't there) that is some comfort (if uni gets a bit much or she wants a change of scene).

Could she not study in your home country? (Then you could do term times there like her?!)

(As a caveat to this, it also depends on the young person. I could have done this easily with one of mine, another one, not so much. So I guess only you - and her - can gauge this. But from an outside perspective, it is not unthinkable).