AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

[Heymommy]

I have a daughter getting ready to go to uni in September. I'm from a different country but myself and my husband had her here and we all go home during Christmas to see family. Our hope was that when she goes to uni in September, we'd go to our home country (8hr flight away) in October ending and return around Easter. That way, we'll be around for the first few weeks in case of her nerves, she will come to us over Christmas and we'll be back by Easter. We will also return in case of emergency and she can fly home to us when she needs to.

In my experience with students, many of them don't even come home that often. They gain new lives, have their friends and parents are usually just hanging around waiting by the phone. Life isn't easy for us here in the UK with high costs, health and preparing to retire. I suffer with the cold and dark winters but I remained to give my child a stable life. Child is an adult now. I work for an international company where I can work remotely from any part of the world. My husband is recently retired.

My daughter is very upset that we're still intending to do this. She says what happens if she wants to pop home some random weekend? She wants me to be there all the time. I understand this but can I sit here week after week, depressed, waiting for her to pop home? I love her more than anything but is it wrong for her to start to grow up on her own? I'm on the phone when she needs, we'll come home often etc
Please tell me what you'll do as a mother. Thank you.

It sounds like your daughter is not very independent and is still going to need some parental support and visits home. I think you should stay at least for her first term and see how things go. If she can't manage herself independently and you're off in another country, it's going to fuel resentment for both of you and harm your relationship. It sounds like you already resent possibly having to stay another year. That's unreasonable on your part.

I'd give it the first year and see how it goes. If it turned out she established her own life and hardly came home, I'd do it next year. If she seemed unsettled and came home a lot, then I'd put it off further. Because eventually they do become independent and you can do what you choose again. I'm just inclined to think at 18, its better to wait till they fly the nest of their own free will rather than nudge them. Just my opinion though. Not saying I'm right.

I wouldn’t the first year just in case she’s not happy. Maybe reconsider for the next year.

My son is 18 and although officially and adult he’s not ready to be left to long periods of time. I think if me and his dad did that he would feel abandoned

The transition from school to University plus living away from home for the first time can be very difficult for lots of students. It takes some people more time to find new friends and form new relationships and some students will want the option of going home for the weekend for some moral support, particularly if they are feeling homesick.

I think you should wait until she has settled in properly with her own support network before moving back to your home country. Your plan to do this in October has obviously worried and upset her so could you re-think the timing of doing this?

If you’re keeping the UK home can you tag team a bit? You travel for a month…dh joins you for the second fortnight…you return to the UK for a month leaving dh out there for a few weeks…& so on.

So there’s only alternate fortnights/3 weeks where there’s no parent home, & only alternate fortnights/3 weeks where you & dh are separated.

Gradually increase the length of the times spent away, if she settles in well. It might be the idea of ‘no mum & dad at home’ is scarier than the reality.

By her second year you could probably do the winter overseas.

You’d have to fund a return flight for one of you every few weeks for the first few months.

FWIW, I work overseas & raised my dc here, & two of them are now at Uni on separate continents. One’s currently snoring on my sofa! In our case it’s a 3 hour or 5 hour flight though, both well served by budget airlines, so those impulse weekends are pretty doable.

I feel sick reading these replies and totally shocked that I didn't think she would need me here like this. It could be because I went to boarding school from 11, came to UK for uni, lived in US for 5 years before settling in uk. Also lots of my family and friends live back home with their kids in uk, AUS and US for uni and they do well. I thought I was being very available.
Thanks for your advice. It's torture for me every year in winter (not just holidaying sun), mainly depression, but ultimately, she comes first.

Just to reply some, our house is still in the UK, her bedroom exactly as she'd leave it so there will always be home here if she needed to catch up with friends. @titchy and @Kirschcherries one return flight home is about 1,500£ when it's cheapest so can't really afford monthly flights. Plus she's coming there for Christmas for about 3 weeks.

But I understand even from her that home is where I am, not an empty house.

I wouldn’t do it for quite so long, you’re talking about going for half the year. I can understand why she’d be upset, some students are more attached (especially at first) and do like to go home at the weekend sometimes. Not just that but if her course has reading weeks, lots of students go back home for those too. I’d do it for maybe half the time including Xmas when she’ll be with you anyway.

I agree with this, at least get the first semester out the way and see how she is, then start with a shorter trip.

Personally I couldn't do it if my DC was that upset by it, she's only 18

@Heymommy I would find a compromise. I think leaving a few weeks after she goes and not coming home for six months is a bit much, but why not go at the beginning of December and come home at the end of February? That gives her much more chance to settle, halves the time you're away, but still gets you out of the UK for the worst of the winter.

I think January to March next year away, be here for Christmas.

One whole year of twiddling my thumbs hoping she wants to come home😭
Okay, what do you think of if stayed in uk until December start 1st of Dec I'll be around for those first few months of homesickness, then she comes to us 2 weeks after around 16th when school closes, then stays till middle of Jan, then I'll be back middle of March? That way, she only has Feb without me. Although @AgnesX said Jan to March are the worst (I hate those months too).
What do you think of that arrangement as a compromise?
I really appreciate your input and replies.

It's not just a UK thing. It's a know your kids thing. Your daughter got upset when you broached the idea to her. That means she's not ready to take on full time adulting without parental backup easily available. I'm in the US, but my kids weren't ready to go off to college with no parent available. My husband died during the eldest's college time and I don't know about the UK, but universities here are not what I would call supportive.

You went to school and that broke your reliance on your parents at an early age. Your daughter hasn't had that.

Yes I was thinking this! but back in March (Feb isn't great)
What about that?

If she was totally fine with it, then it’d be different - perhaps that is the case with all your friends/family examples?

Look at it from her (potential) perspective: she’s an inconvenience to have been keeping you here, so much so that as soon as she’s out the door you’re off; as soon as school’s finished you can get on with your ‘real life’ instead of having to hang around looking after her - she’s obviously a burden. (This may or may not have any truth in it, but it may be how she feels, subconsciously.)

The fact she’s upset about it suggests that she’s shocked - so that’s a good thing: she had felt very secure in believing you’d be there (nearby) for her for longer. To be brutally honest, some of the damage here is already done. She will have this message now - that you couldn’t wait to be far away and you didn’t really think about how she’d feel about it or care that she might need you as she goes off into the next stage. You don’t have to live your life around her needs forever, but I think seeing her settled on the next stage first would have been kinder. Let her know that you misjudged how she’d feel and that you’d never have suggested it if you’d realised that she needed you to be closer for a little longer.

(Also, now is a particularly fragile time for A Level students - perhaps this would have been a better conversation to have had in a months time.)

Maybe compromise for the first term, leave in early December, she flies over for Christmas and come back for her spring break. It is only really a few weeks then when we can’t pop home to see you.

I want to university in Scotland from NI when I was 18 and there was no question of coming home mid term and only contact was via pay phone and letter. Granted this was a long time ago but universities today have international students and people from far away in the UK who don’t go home outside of official breaks. Plus she can video call anytime.

She is understandably nervous about the change and probably feels she is losing her home/safety net.

As an international family, what you are proposing is very reasonable and it probably just needs a period of adjustment with time for her to settle into her new life/routine.

She doesn't want to be in uk for Christmas. Her Christmases over there are amazing according to her, she never wants to miss that. Lots of family and friends, beach etc

@Heymommy

Im a bit on the fence with this. My son has just finished his degree. In his first term we texted every day for the first two weeks and then it dropped off. Over the 3 years he has very rarely come home, mostly because he is just busy with life and he had a weekend job which made it difficult..
He had a few teething problems in his first half term which he sorted out himself before I even knew about it.
At the moment your DD is upset about a hypothetical plan, an unknown situation at uni when she doesnt actually know how much she will want you around.
She may be one of those students who settle in straight away. Who knows.
Is there a compromise? If you are going for Christmas anyway can you delay your move until then.
What I would say is that maybe there are things you can be doing now to boost her confidence.
I won't go into details of our story but I adopted my son at age 7 when he was in special school. A lot of people wrote him off at 7.
My son has achieved so much over the 14 years we have been a family - because I encouraged him to believe in himself and that he could do whatever he wanted to do.
He has ASD, he is still an anxious young man, but he knows he can do stuff and work things out for himself.
Build your DDs confidence about being away from home. When she has her accommodation organised go and visit in the summer, check out the local area, where are the shops, have a walk round campus, check out how she will get from her accommodation to her lectures.
Find out whats really worrying her and how those things can be managed.

I’m a millennial and when I went to uni I very rarely went home. The freedom was like nothing I’d ever experienced.

But these are different times and kids these days need extra support for the most part, especially financial due to lack of jobs, CoL and rents.

I think the compromise of going around Christmas/December is a good one.

She is an adult at 18. You have to have a life.

I could barely remember to phone my poor mum first year of uni as I was so busy and self-absorbed. I know teens these days are less independent, but you can’t put your whole life on hold for her. Hopefully after her first term she’ll be settled and forget all about coming home for weekends.

Is there anyone like an auntie who will be in the UK for weekends visits etc for her if needed?

I'd tell her you're coming back 1st March, things are ok in the UK by then. If nearer the time she's very settled, which I think she's likely to be, then you can extend.

I think part of her upset is because at the moment it's a big, scary thing looming in the future. Once she's actually there and settled she's likely to realise that she doesn't care where you are anymore! I think you'll get further with telling her you'll stay until December to put her mind at ease and then discuss return dates nearer the time.

We did something similar: ds went to university in the uk when we were still living in China. He came home for Christmas and Easter break, but not during term time and we didn’t visit him. He tended to mix with other students from outside the UK so going home for Xmas, but not for the occasional weekend was normal for them too.

I cannot BELIEVE that you would consider this

If you'll be "twiddling your thumbs" do some fucking charity work. Help others. Jesus 😳

OP the thing is just because someone turns 18 and are an adult it doesn't mean they automatically mature and stop needing their parents. Looking back my DS still seemed pretty young at that age.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want to leave the UK for the reasons you've mentioned but I think in October is too soon.

Some young people start uni and leave very quickly. This happened to one of my cousins. Your DD doesn't know how she will feel until she goes. She may not want to come back before Christmas but psychologically I think it would feel very strange to her that she knows you are an 8 hour flight away so soon after she leaves home.

I say this as a former uni student who absolutely loved uni from the start and only came home in the holidays. I think I would have felt abandoned if my parents had done this in my first term. I can't imagine having done it to my son either when he first went away.

Your daughter has let you know how upset she is and so i would wait to see how she is in the first term and then reassess. Probably leaving it to her 2nd year would be the best solution and the time will soon fly anyway.

I think you should go as you planned. I left home at 18, didn't call much and barely went home. When I did go home I saw my friends. I think it will make your dd more resilient and independent. I don't think you should sit around at home waiting to see if she needs you.

All these posters babying adults, no wonder I have such useless graduates on my hands!