AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

[Heymommy]

I have a daughter getting ready to go to uni in September. I'm from a different country but myself and my husband had her here and we all go home during Christmas to see family. Our hope was that when she goes to uni in September, we'd go to our home country (8hr flight away) in October ending and return around Easter. That way, we'll be around for the first few weeks in case of her nerves, she will come to us over Christmas and we'll be back by Easter. We will also return in case of emergency and she can fly home to us when she needs to.

In my experience with students, many of them don't even come home that often. They gain new lives, have their friends and parents are usually just hanging around waiting by the phone. Life isn't easy for us here in the UK with high costs, health and preparing to retire. I suffer with the cold and dark winters but I remained to give my child a stable life. Child is an adult now. I work for an international company where I can work remotely from any part of the world. My husband is recently retired.

My daughter is very upset that we're still intending to do this. She says what happens if she wants to pop home some random weekend? She wants me to be there all the time. I understand this but can I sit here week after week, depressed, waiting for her to pop home? I love her more than anything but is it wrong for her to start to grow up on her own? I'm on the phone when she needs, we'll come home often etc
Please tell me what you'll do as a mother. Thank you.

Oh my partner is perfectly happing with his adult kids living abroad, they have better life than in the UK. My own DS is planning it as well and I don't mind in the slightest

As for relationships with grandchildren, well I have a set that are 4.5hours away in the UK I see maybe twice a year so abroad wouldn't be much difference

I’d probably wait until my dd was settled at uni, and only go if she was happy with my choice. When she’s in second year I would definitely go, all being well.

@Thechaseison71 Aus and NZ are more than 4.5 hours! You need money to see them every year! My dc have great lives here. Excess heat etc in Aus isn’t for them and one would never have her career or earnings there! Depends what you want I guess.

Mmm, I’ve been thinking about this thread and in all honesty, I wouldn’t move yet. DD has now finished her degree but during that first year, she was home loads. She needed us emotionally, which is something I hadn’t anticipated. I have cancer and I think part of her many visits, was to check in with me. I reassured her that as lovely as it was to see DD, I would keep her posted on scan results and my well being etc. That reassured her and by the second and third year, she came home less.

Just hold off any plans of moving for now, I would. DD may need you more than you expect.

Yes I know But the 4.5 hours is far enough that I don't get to see my UK grandchildren more than a couple of times a year.

And I do actually spend 2 months a year abroad making Australia nearer than the UK ( I have a NZ passport also)
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Besides there are other places for DC to emigrate you know One of OHd is Malaysia which you can actually travel to for under £<500

Oh and thinking about it another friend has a son living in China, married to a Chinese woman and she goes over there to see them. They DIL and child never come to UK though( think might be visa issues)

@Thechaseison71 Most people I’ve known with dc around the world see them max twice a year and for some £500 each and extensive flying IS an issue. However they are GB passport holders and live here. They are not duel nationalities who rather have a foot in both camps!

The Chinese point is interesting. A friend’s DS works there and lived with his Chinese girlfriend. They wanted to marry. Her parents said no and took her “home”. She was forced to marry someone else and now has dc. She writes to my friend’s DS. Totally awful. I cannot say my friend found it easy being a mum so far away.

Do you not have a job ?

She will likely be fine. Suck it and see.

I’d aim to give it a year, let her find her feet and make sure she settles and finds a good friendship group. She’s really still a kid with a massive life adjustment pending.

Having lived in a warm climate for over a decade myself, I sympathise with your need to escape the grim UK grey winters.

My daughter attends a university a short flight away, she is independent and has been used to travelling alone from a young age, and she was keen to explore a new country when she went to study. However, she really needed to come home and feel secure and loved/pampered every 6 weeks or so. As others have experienced , her university halls flatmates were a little unpleasant, unfriendly, and did a lot of drugs. It took her a while to settle. Emotionally she found it vital to be able to come home every 6-8 weeks, and home was wherever I was. In your shoes , I think I would go as you suggest in late November/early December, see her at Christmas break for as long as possible, but be available to her again in the UK by the end of February.

If she has a half term week off in mid February then I would consider flying her abroad to me for that break too and then extend my warm stay abroad until the end of March. Good luck with finding the best compromise.

I am sure your DD will cope absolutely fine with your plan of being abroad. Plenty of people cope with far worse after all. The fact that you are keeping the family home and not moving away permanently makes it a good idea.

The tricky bit is going to be sorting through what's a minor crisis and what is "no I need to get in the 8 hour flight and return home now" from a distance away when everything is new for both of you. A bout of flu or a fall out with flatmates can be two difficult weeks or it can be the thing that derails her entire first term. A young person I know of cut his hand quite badly during freshers week and although it didn't seem that big of a deal at the time, it tipped him into dropping out because he couldn't wash, couldn't write, couldn't get himself to health appointments to deal with the stitches and it all became too much and too isolating for him. I wouldn't have flown home for a cut hand if I were the parent and eight hours away, but being there might have made it better. I would like to think my DC would have either coped better or asked for help more effectively but I just don't know.

Ideally if there could be a family member or close friend in the country your DD could call on during the first term it two it would be better