AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

[Heymommy]

I have a daughter getting ready to go to uni in September. I'm from a different country but myself and my husband had her here and we all go home during Christmas to see family. Our hope was that when she goes to uni in September, we'd go to our home country (8hr flight away) in October ending and return around Easter. That way, we'll be around for the first few weeks in case of her nerves, she will come to us over Christmas and we'll be back by Easter. We will also return in case of emergency and she can fly home to us when she needs to.

In my experience with students, many of them don't even come home that often. They gain new lives, have their friends and parents are usually just hanging around waiting by the phone. Life isn't easy for us here in the UK with high costs, health and preparing to retire. I suffer with the cold and dark winters but I remained to give my child a stable life. Child is an adult now. I work for an international company where I can work remotely from any part of the world. My husband is recently retired.

My daughter is very upset that we're still intending to do this. She says what happens if she wants to pop home some random weekend? She wants me to be there all the time. I understand this but can I sit here week after week, depressed, waiting for her to pop home? I love her more than anything but is it wrong for her to start to grow up on her own? I'm on the phone when she needs, we'll come home often etc
Please tell me what you'll do as a mother. Thank you.

Worst case scenario you can fly home?

I wouldn’t personally. DC had mental health issues their second year and we were far away, but at least we could have made it there the same day in case we had to. Especially since she’s upset by this. Can’t you wait just four more years?

I thought the cost of flights might be an issue.

I think your revised proposal sounds more realistic.

I know! The infantilising of children who are then not actually prepared for the adult world. I think they're doing their kids a huge disservice.

@Pickledonions12

yep! That’s why women were put on this earth afterall… to constantly help others and disregard their own wants and needs. Pfft 😬

OP if you choose to stay in UK over winter make sure you treat yourself to lots of holidays abroad, join a gym with a nice sauna etc etc to make it a bit more bearable

So, are you going to wait for reading week to jet off, or are you going before that? Personally, I think it sounds like a miserable thing to do to her.

Can you postpone the plans to see how she settles in? She might be fine & never come home or she might struggle & want to come a lot. At the moment it’s an unknown quantity. She may be an adult but only just. Personally I would stay put.

I was a boarder too, and I do think it warps your expectations a bit. I also think it is very individual to the young person/adult.

My eldest is a first year who drew a line 2.5 hours from home and didn't contemplate any uni further from home than this. She's a couple of hours away and most people she knows are closer to home than this. She has one friend who's 4 hours away but she's zipping to and fro regularly at weekends as she has a girlfriend back home. DC like this I think would struggle with parents going out of the country for so much of the first year. There are a few who are more "distance no object", prepared to commit more to a further away uni and expecting to come home a lot less. They'll be much less impacted.

Trouble is you don't like how tough they will find it. Choosing not to come home because they are successfully integrating is night and day different to not being able to come home when you are struggling because there's no one there.

However even if things are going badly, I would think you could afford to take a good 2-3 weeks extra at either end of her 3 week holiday without putting much pressure on her at all. Just be aware she will probably have her first set of uni exams in one of those periods. A lot of unis do them in Jan. Some start quite soon after Christmas.

I don't think this sounds so awful. But my PIL did this to DH and his brother and their relationship is fine! I hardly visited home once I left for university.

Your DD sounds like she might struggle with that so dialling back the time sounds like a fair compromise but I don't think it's at all reasonable for your DD to suggest that you need to be available to her at all times - of course you will make plans, even if you are in the country, you might be away or busy at a "random weekend". Of course you would be there in an emergency but that's not the same thing as expecting you to put your life on hold just in case she feels like visiting

@Heymommy
I think people on this site have such hugely different attitudes to 18 year olds.
But I do feel as a society we are not building resilience in our young people.
Unless you are going to drop a massive drip feed about your DD having ASD or mental health issues or something of that ilk, chances are she will be just fine.
Yes its a transition, yes she will have teething problems but thats ok, its just working out life, and she will be with lots of others doing the same. Its totally normal in life to have to navigate new situations and I don't think its in our young people's best interests for parents to swoop in and sort stuff out, or for them to have that expectation.
Uni is actually a very good place to start growing up, there are support services. She isn't on her own.
I'd plan to go at Christmas and stay till Easter. And dont feel guilty

I’m clearly an outlier here, boarded for the last four years of school, loved the freedom of the years at uni and never considered seeing my parents other than in the holidays.

I had lots of adventures, safe in the knowledge that my parents would never find out and their retribution would never catch up with me.

no question but that I loved them and they loved me. Only in the last yew years of my mother’s life did she ever tell me how she missed me but knew that I would only be in touch occasionally. As soon as I could afford it , I’d phone my mother a lot, by which I mean weekly or even fortnightly.

im afraid I just can’t imagine expecting my parents to stay in England on stand by incase I happened to want them.

Hope you find what works for your family OP

My DD went off to Uni in the UK at 17. We live in Frnace. Lots of friends and family within an hour. She want and saw her DGM once in the first 2 years and once in the 4th. No one else ever.

I feel for you OP as I also suffer from SAD; but I understand your daughter too and think you may have to wait a bit longer; at least until she is settled ; but maybe travel more often to your home country,

Just to say, this has been the plan since she was in primary school and we talked about it through secondary so not a shock at all. That's why she's saying we're 'still' doing this? I guess now it's near, it's become a bit more scary.

Please read in context. Twiddling my thumbs was in respect of the child. My post clearly said I work. I work a lot in an organisation saving lives. and will continue to.

Not good enough, OP, you should be helping others in your free time outside of work too. This will stop you focusing on your own selfish desires

Maybe its a generational thing but I was a very sheltered girl when I went to university yet I hardly ever went home. Parents didn't visit. If you are paying for flights for me to join you on school holidays in a sunny country I'd have been very happy with the situation

Thank you, no drip feed at all, no MH or ASD.

Does she get reading weeks in Oct/feb? If so you could go between those? Then it’s only really November and January she won’t see you. Are you keeping the house on, empty? She could pop home still just you won’t be there! How long is your home town from her uni?

It might just be nerves talking too in case she hates uni

I think you are being a bit short sighted here - she will perhaps want to come home or need you sometimes so go to her? My Dd was plagued with illness from freshers week onwards. She felt overwhelmed and so she came home for nights. I took her to the gp and nursed her better. They all don’t take to uni like ducks to water. My dd said she struggled as myself and my ex h did so much for her ( which is true) so she didn’t have the skills. We did try to teach her before she went but she just liked being looked after and as we were doing it all your younger dd, we couldn’t just stop.

It's really interesting hearing about the differences in opinions about 18 year olds. I really didn't think people felt this way. I'm just trying to do the best for my daughter.

Someone suggested I waited 4 years I'm not sure how to respond to that. We are talking about a healthy girl/woman. How will she even learn to grow knowing mom is just home hanging around for her? I don't think it's a good example. But I'm hearing how difficult it is right now.

Some haven't read the updates:
I can delay until December 1st so she'll only have 2 weeks without me before she returns for Christmas

@Boxoffrogs21 yes tricky time for the discussion but she brought it up when chatting about Christmas
@Ted27 thanks for sharing your boy's story. You must be proud of him.

@Cherrytree86 as if I don't deserve a life too!

Thank you.

@Heymommy

There is of course that little thing called face time
My Goddaughter lives and works in Dubai.
She is very close to her mum - they do a video call a few times a week and still manage to be part of each other's lives.
You could agree to set aside a regular time to 'share " a cup of tea or even a meal
A former colleague of mine used to read her nieces and nephews in Argentina, stories from birth. She went home once a year, the children knew who she was.
There are ways to stay connected and be supportive

I haven't RTFT but thought I would chime in with some experience:

I went to uni in a different country from where my parents were living and loved it but I wanted to go and they lived in a different country when I was at (boarding) school too so it wasn't at all weird or difficult for me to be away from my parents like that. Can an 18 year old live in a different country from their parents? Yes, absolutely, and especially if they want to. (OP, I see you had a similar experience.)

DS has just finished Y1 uni, a 4 hour drive away from where we live now. Honestly, it took him a while to settle (til Easter) and he came home more often than I thought he would given the expense and the distance. I am glad we were able to be here for him.

Given what you have said about your daughter, in your place, I would hold off for another year until she's settled. You'll know when she settles, and that will be the time to prepare to move.

Good luck. x

By the time you sell your house and are ready to move, DD will be halfway through her course and ready to let you go.

Do you intend to downsize to a lock-and-go flat where you can all stay when in the UK?