To be disappointed with how soft play handled this man

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I reported an inappropriate sexual comment made by another parent at a soft play area yesterday.

I was climbing down from one of the raised areas with my DS and didn’t realise he was climbing up. I said a polite sorry and he replied not to worry and that if he knew his £10 entry included him getting an arse in his face he would have visited months ago. I challenged him and then reported to staff.

The staff approached me 10/15 minutes later to say they’d spoken to him and he had admitted saying that but was ‘obviously joking’ and he relayed his apologies, so they considered the matter sorted.

Personally, I think he should have been asked to leave. He made me feel extremely uncomfortable and could have gone on to say similar to other parents present.

That was grotty and totally unacceptable.

When you challenged him - did he apologise?

If yes you were completely ott reporting him to staff. If he was rude to you then fair enough

On the other thread, 94% have said that it’s not okay to make crass comments to men to lighten the mood. Funny that.

It was an awkward situation and he quickly made light of it. It diffused it really. I don't think a crime has been committed here.

Yeah, it's almost like the questions asked in the two threads were entirely different.

Obviously the situation/conversation weren’t identical.

The bottom line is that a male wanted to lighten the mood/engage in banter, and a crass comment was made. Interesting that it’s inappropriate when the comment is made to a man, yet perfectly acceptable to make the comment to a woman, and she needs to lighten up.

In the waiter thread, the question was am I unreasonable to think it was crass/wouldn't be appreciated.

In this thread, the question was am I unreasonable to be disappointed that he wasn't asked to leave.

I understand that. However, there are droves of women on this thread telling her to take a joke, lighten up, unclench, unclutch her pearls, etc.

Not too many women on the other thread saying that the man needs to unclutch his pearls and learn how to take a joke. Nor is anyone saying, “Geez, men can’t do right for wrong anymore, they’re not even allowed to say ANYTHING nowadays!”

I’m not talking about the outcome—I’m talking about what’s happening in the comments section about how men and how women should react to unwanted crass comments.

Yes, but I still think the situations are vastly different in several very significant ways that mean you can't reasonably draw the conclusion that everyone here is internally misogynistic.

Lots of people want to immediately draw distinctions based on sex, but to me one of the biggest differences in the two situations is the person who was in the uncomfortable situation.

Here, the speaker was thrust into an awkward situation and said a silly thing. In the other thread, the speaker was told that the recipient was in an awkward situation, and the speaker still chose to say the silly thing. Very different.

I don't know if anyone suggested the husband should have been thrown out of the restaurant? I hope not.

But these poor men aren’t allowed to say anything anymore.

Yeah, real bummer when people don’t tell you what you want to hear eh? Still at least if you post the same thing on multiple platforms you might get different responses 😂

My litmus test works as follows, man thinks would this sexual comment be deemed appropriate at work, if not then it probably isn’t appropriate to say the comment to random woman at soft play, in the pub, on the street (or any other venue)

It really isn't the same. For a example a "sexual" comment in a pub is very different to a manager making a sexual comment to one of their employees.

@Pikachu150 so you think it is okay for a man to say a sexual comment to a random woman in a pub?

Well, back in the days before I was married there were occasions when men said sexual comments to me in pubs. I said sexual comments back, and then we went home and had sex. Are we outlawing that now?

I think that’s the woman’s choice. You don’t get to decide for all women. Some women find it flattering, especially if they find the man attractive, some women find it unacceptable. As you can see by this thread, this very mildly sexual comment, not particularly aimed at the op. More the situation. It wouldn’t bother the vast majority and many would find it funny. As adults we get to make that individual choice.

@takealettermsjones I assume comments were consensual not said to random person and not the opening line. And if some misogynistic arse made a sexual comment to you and you thought he’s my sort of man then you might have had a low bar!

For you. And that’s your boundary, and that’s fine. Other women feel differently. No one thinks sexual comments are ok at work. But many don’t then think that means they are not ok ever. And that’s their choice.

Insulting the poster as her choices are different to yours is really misogynistic and unacceptable behaviour. She’s a grown up able to make her own decisions.

But did he? It was probably one of those embarrassing moments when you think “why did I say that”? It was awkward all round. I still think it was totally overreaction from OP to try to get him thrown out

It was a awkward moment, he made a misplaced joke. You complained, ge was spoken to, done.

I would have laughed awkwardly while thinking give over

Well, what if they were the opening line, and that was fine with me? Comments about where my bar is aside, it's not for you to decide what is acceptable to every woman. It's not for me to decide either of course, but my point is that if we start getting people thrown out of places for making any comments with a sexual connotation then we are ultimately not only outlawing joking, we're outlawing flirting and hookups too.

I suppose I have taught DS to be respectful, be mindful of what he says and if he does see a girl he wants to meet up with to not lead with a sexual comment. At least see the lie of the land first (both for her sake and his) before you get flirty etc

If a bloke shouts across a bar ‘nice tits luv, I’d pay good money to have some of that’ to some random woman I wouldn’t be impressed with him but I would wonder why someone would think he was a good catch.

And those sort of unwanted comments are targeted on a daily basis to females in schools and not just to the pupils

So maybe women do have to raise their bar slightly so other women can enjoy their lives more and not have such comments thrown at them randomly. Maybe there needs to be a little bit of chat before comments like that come into the conversation

It can be perfectly fine in the pub! And even if you think the comment is inappropriate you can just ignore it, tell the person where to go or whatever.

Yes - and that's precisely the point - nuance! Sometimes sexual comments can be okay depending on the circumstances - as you say, if your son had got the lie of the land first and knew it would be well received.

We should guard against extreme/absolute views in all directions, in my opinion. Saying that it's never okay to make a sexual comment to a person you don't know is an extreme, absolute statement. I like living in a society where I get to choose.