To be disappointed with how soft play handled this man

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I reported an inappropriate sexual comment made by another parent at a soft play area yesterday.

I was climbing down from one of the raised areas with my DS and didn’t realise he was climbing up. I said a polite sorry and he replied not to worry and that if he knew his £10 entry included him getting an arse in his face he would have visited months ago. I challenged him and then reported to staff.

The staff approached me 10/15 minutes later to say they’d spoken to him and he had admitted saying that but was ‘obviously joking’ and he relayed his apologies, so they considered the matter sorted.

Personally, I think he should have been asked to leave. He made me feel extremely uncomfortable and could have gone on to say similar to other parents present.

I suspect men would be more likely to make this joke to other men than to women.

It's entirely possible it's sarcastic. If I go to a cafe and they're playing endless Kenny G, and I say I'd have come earlier if I'd know they played endless Kenny G, do you actually think that obviously means I'm a big Kenny G fan?

@OtterlyAstounding

How? No one is claiming something happened that didn't happen (as in he boy crying wolf), they're just saying that making unsolicited sexual comments to strangers is inappropriate.

Are you really asking this because you don't understand, or are you just doing that why why why thing again? Cause I get enough of that from my kids

If someone complains about every little thing, soon enough everyone will just stop listening - they'll just say "oh that's just Sarah, she moans all the time, it'll be something and nothing again." See also kids that cry at the drop of a hat.

(Edited to add the quote, it got sliced off somehow!)

Yeah, absolutely.

I am having more success explaining nuance to my 4 year old 🤦🏼‍♀️

Being frank, if this is something that you genuinely hold so dear as an issue to resolve, and you want to wake people up to your way of thinking, you really need to work on how you do that.

Coming with absolutes and limping things together is just too simplistic and does not offer the necessary forum for discussion around the huge middle ground between right/wrong, acceptable/unacceptable.

You're absolutely massacring your own cause.

Possibly, my two male bosses were bickering and one gave the other the middle finger and got met with ‘wow don’t threaten me with a good time!’

At what point do posters who think this is a perfectly fine thing to say step up and say that is something not okay to say? All sexual banter okay? If a man says it is a joke then that can be excused for whatever he says. Do women just have to accept it as the man was just trying to make her feel better?

What nuance? You're making a lot of assumptions. Cause? Is it your cause to enable men to make unsolicited sexual comments, then? I don't 'hold it dear', I'm just giving my opinion, the same as you.

I'm also not expecting to 'wake up' anyone who has your attitude; again, I'm just giving my opinion. Some women will make any excuses for a man's poor behaviour, and there's no point trying to change their minds.

And you're not exactly being convincing to those who hold the opposite view to you.

My first consideration would be whether someone approached another person with the intention of making the comment or, as in this instance, whether it was a reaction to a circumstance the people found themselves in without any manufacturing of the situation.

Next, I would be looking at whether the comment was made personally about the other person or something generic that was likely to have been said to anyone* (if female-specific, to any other female, if male-specific, to any other male). Here, the man said "an arse" not "your arse". Or whatever the word was. The important focus being that he wasn't specifically referring to her.

*For clarity, I am referring to adults, not children.

The likely intention of the speaker would also be in the mix of matters to be mulled over - was the pure intention to belittle / make someone uncomfortable or was it genuinely intended as an attempt at humour.

As humans, we communicate in so many ways beyond mere words. There is a certain level of intelligence required to appreciate and understand the nuances. A black and white approach is, to my mind, far too basic.

We are a long way down the road with the idea that unsolicited comments of a sexual nature to women should be questioned. I am fortunate to be surrounded by men who are, largely, feminists and in any event exceptionally respectful and willing to speak up to other men when they feel they are out of line. They are a growing breed, thankfully, and if we lived in a world where all men were like that, we'd be able to make certain jokes knowing that everyone is singing from the same platonic hymn sheet.

I would have found it funny.

As much as I understand some people cannot grasp nuance as you say you can’t here, it is an important factor in deciding what is an appropriate reaction.

unable differentiate due to nuance, context, intent etc, is no different to saying you can’t see any difference between the op shoving her arse in his face by mistake or on purpose, for you it would be sexual assault irrelevant.

Check out my response to sittingonabeach - that might help.

As for convincing anyone... I'm with the 92%. That's an overwhelming majority of people who are in agreement. I therefore think it would benefit you, in order to co-exist with a large proportion of the population, to perhaps try to understand why this is acceptable to so many people.

It is not because most women (on this thread) are whatever awful descriptors you've thrown at them. It's because there's a lot more to it.

People like you do such harm to good causes and you don't even know it.

Fairly obviously, that "point" is context dependent.

In the context of a woman literally sticking her arse in the face of another person, responding with a stupid joke to try to defuse the situation is, for most people, perfectly understandable. OP didn't like it, the man apologised. What's done is done and no harm was intended by either person.

In the context of a man walking up to a woman and literally smacking her arse, obviously that's not ok.

It's not hard to work these things out, generally.

Dear me, it’s not that deep.

He got a arse in his face unwillingly.

He made light of it. Probably partly to soothe Op’s own embarrassment, so he joked that well, he doesn’t mind anyway.

Laugh or ignore/eyeroll. The rest was too much and way more uncomfortable than an off-the-cuff joke.

You probably have a point there ...

We are a long way down the road with the idea that unsolicited comments of a sexual nature to women should be questioned.

Except this thread rather disproves that.

I understand where you are coming from, but I do think this is not a "square in the middle" circumstance.

I agree a pleasant smile to show he wasn't cross would have done the trick, but I am sure the embarrassment probably got the better of him. And it WOULD be awkward.

He didn't just come out of nowhere and make the remark: he had an awkwardly close encounter with an unknown woman's bottom. On the whole, while I feel he could have handled it better, it could also have been a lot worse. If I were Op, I'd have been relived he hadn't looked put out about it. That would be my immediate concern if I butt-butted someone in the face.

Quite the opposite - we are so far down the road that we have passed the point of needing to hail any comment towards a woman as hostile, in order to bring it to society's attention that certain behaviours need to be questioned.

Most of us have developed beyond that into going through the process that I set out above before determining whether a comment / behaviour is appropriate or not, and then choosing a course of action (or inaction). For the sake of clarity, this being a huge shift and enormous development from women merely accepting for decades / centuries anything that was thrown their way.

Come on. Catch up. You're behind.

"We're so past sexism that now it's okay to be sexist!"

Hm.

Clearly the misogyny is just too ingrained for you to grasp the idea that a man might refrain from making a sexual comment to a woman he doesn't know.

It wasn't a sexual comment.

The OP literally stuck her arse in this face and he made a stupid joke about it.

That's it.

Yes. I think it is easy to underestimate the effect feeling a bit silly or awkward can have on us.

I remember as an awkward teen being at someone's house with my friend and her older brother and their large dog came up and planted its muzzle right in my crotch and started sniffing deeply. Of course, at that age I was deeply mortified but tried to pass it off as a bit of a laugh and said something with a casual laugh to her older brother along the lines of "I suppose he's following your example there." I nearly died after the words came out of my mouth; it wasn't particularly true of this guy but I had just been left flailing trying to keep my teenage cool, say something offhand and seem like I had not been flustered. But I really wish I hadn't said it. It was totally out of character. Thankfully I think her mum was understanding and I was neither asked to apologise nor remove myself from the premises.

I think we need to give people a bit of slack when feeling awkward.

Are you going to be writing a letter to The Times about it as well ? 🤣

Seriously, he was laughing off what was an uncomfortable situation. And this kind of reaction is what is wrong with the world right now...christ. Enough internet for me today.

I'm going to very slowly back away, now...

And hope for your daughters that they are not so damaged by your beliefs that they struggle to function in society or form healthy relationships.

I'm going to very slowly back away, now...

Mind where you put your arse! 😉🤣

You make such ridiculous assumptions.

All because you have to defend men making sexual comments, against someone who is merely saying 'that's inappropriate and unnecessary'. Well, I suppose I know how your sons or daughters will turn out, if you're in such strong favour of men making unsolicited sexual comments without censure.