To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

It only tends to be women who allow ‘friends’ to treat them this way. Most blokes wouldn’t bother with her and would not keep up a toxic friendship out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. Cut her off and find a kind, considerate person who will be a much better friend

Have you had a wedding invite and rsvp’d with a yes? If you haven’t, then I would presume that you’re not invited?

Have you had the wedding invite and accepted it? If so, I Would go, as your place will have been paid for. You did nothing wrong in refusing the hen party invite.

Why are you waiting for her to reach out? Can’t you send her a message and invite her for a meal, cinema, shopping trip etc or even afternoon tea /spa etc in lieu of hen party?

But men also seem to just go ahead and go on these stag and hen dos without even considering their family commitments and just expect their partners to pick up the slack at home and don't tend to fall out with their friends over situations like this...
Well judging by the posts on Mumsnet anyway, there always seems to be a lot of women who post about their OH leaving them with the kids to go abroad with their mates.

Have you RSVPd to an actual invite?

It doesn't sound like her husband is stopping her going?

A man would just go and have fun. I'm not sure why OP doesn't do the same. I would!

...... 'It's not a lot to ask'. You are asking me to give up work, annual leave, time with my children and hundreds of pounds because you want a Jolly before getting married.

You haven't let her down - you said no from the beginning. I would drop a couple of inoffensive 'Hi - thinking of you how is it all going'. If she doesn't respond to either. Beginning of August, write and say. ' I hope everything is ok as you haven't replied to my texts'

Yes these were sent out before the hen do drama began.

No do nothing. She can't demand people go for a boozy weekend just because she wants too. It's a cheek. You said you were prepared to attend something in the UK.
I wouldn't chase her. I would look at the bigger picture. This has the potential to happen again over something else. You don't need it leave the drama queen to herself . Do you really want a drama queen and a flouncer as a friend?

But there will be a bias on here, which is understandable.

Women won't post on here saying about their husbands not going on stag doos etc. only there ones that are going and leaving their partner with the kids will get a mention. So you cannot just say that men just go ahead and do what they want.

Plus the OP said she didn't really want to go anyway , so her saying no was less about her duty to stay at home and look after kids.

Why chase her. Her wedding up to her to be in touch.

No they don't. I've turned down countless boys jollies and stag trips because of cost and commitments.

A previous poster is right. A man would think fuck you and not attend the wedding. Women seem obsessed with friendship. There are so many posts on here about women putting up with abusive behaviour from friends and running back for more or worrying they haven't made mum friends

Do you want to go after she's been such a dick?

It really isn’t my idea of fun though. If it was then I’d go and my dh would be fine with it. But I would genuinely rather be at home with my dc than on that sort of a weekend. Like I said, I try to be a good friend and will put myself out for a good friend to make them happy but only to an extent when it’s at the expense of my own comfort. This was just a bit much.

Because its not her thing.... its certainly my idea of hell.
I'd not be forking out money and using precious time getting pissed in Spain...

I wouldn't just not turn up, I'd send something along the lines of, I'm sorry I haven't heard from you since declining the hen do. I hope you have a lovely time and wish you the very best for the wedding and the future, but in the curcumstances, it's best I don't attend the wedding.

Can you not just ring her? It baffles me that people refer to each other as good friends but then don’t actually seem to have much of an actual relationship aside from messages. Just ring, see how things are, talk x

I don’t want to lose the friendship but I have to admit it’s changed my view of her a bit. But I’d still like to go. I feel if I don’t then it really will signal the end of the friendship.

Don’t chase her, she behaved like a spoilt brat. Let her come to you.

If you've RSVP'ed to an invite, then it's down to your 'friend' to tell you that you're not invited. Of course, you are more than entitled to think 'sod this' and tell her that you're no longer coming.

Personally, I feel hen and stag do's abroad are over-the-top. It puts people in awkward situations, because everyone's financial position and family commitments are different. If a bride or groom wants a hen or stag week/end abroad, then they should be realistic in their expectations, regarding numbers. Most families don't have spare income to spend on these type of occasions.

You gave your friend plenty of notice that you wouldn't be able to attend a hen do abroad. You aren't responsible for the reaction of a grown adult. She's entitled to feel disappointed, but she is way out of line, for being unreasonable and nasty.

Usually would ring but it all feels very frosty and awkward at the moment.

Because it's things like this that define a relationship. I'd certainly be thinking I'm not going to bother talking to her unless she contacted me and said something. Her friend made the bold statement by leaving the WhatsApp group because she didn't get things exactly her own way.

Could you just drop her a message before the hen do saying something like "Hey, enjoy your weekend, look forward to hearing about it"

Up to her to respond then

If she literally flounced off in a huff I would presume she didnt want me to be at the wedding and I wouldnt go. Someone throwing a tantrum would give me the impression they no longer wish to talk to me so I wouldnt go.

If she wanted to talk to you like a grown up and not like a petulant child having a tantrum then she can ring you. If she doesnt, I wouldnt go. She sounds like a horribly selfish nasty ego driven person and not someone I would value in my life

Going on a long weekend to get absolutely bladdered or watch other people get stinking drunk is my idea of hell....

If you won't want to go, then thats fine. You dont have to and politely declined and suggested something else. If she hasn't even bothered to contact you at all, as even a friendly usual conversation I wouldn't bother attending the wedding in August.

Youre also more than welcome to message her but as someone suggested above you could say hi, hope you're well and see how it goes..... theres no need for you to attend the wedding if ahe ignores you or is rude to you again. You have a family life and work commitments and if she cant accept that, then thats her headache.