To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

Was she meant to stay in the group chat or was she setting it up and was always meant to leave at some stage for the hens to organise the hen do? I would stay in the group chat and just let them know that while you won't be able to go abroad you are happy to come to anything arranged in the UK. I would still go to the wedding unless something else happens between now and then. I also wouldn't give it another thought for now. The bride was clearly disappointed and had a strop. She might come to realise it wasn't exactly maturely handled and either apologise or hope it'll blow over. Surely, not even with the best will in the world, was everyone going to come.

And if your view is that if it is the case that a person expects someone else to show up for all their big life events, but when it's their mate's turn, doesn't want to and that if their friend gets cross about it their mate is the unreasonable one... we'll agree to disagree.

But in the OP's situation she didnt have a hen do abroad so no, its not the same is it? if OP had expected her friend to spend £££ and go abroad for her own hen do, you might have a point but she didnt because she isn't selfish and recognised that not everyone might like that or be able to afford it - thats being sensitive to your friend's circumstances. This friend is expecting OP to go abroad when it wasnt expected of her and thats the entire point

On these threads we never have full context. It might be that the bride has shown up for, or be expected to show up for the OP in all sorts of ways over the years.

I just know from my one experience of this type of thing, this post could have been written about my mate who is the loveliest sweetest person who was honestly pretty justified being upset, but if you only got the perspective of the people she was cross with, you'd never get the full picture of why she was upset.

It might also be that the bride to be is just a monster. I totally get that. But the point of the AIBU thing is to give the OP food for thought. If the OP reads my posts and goes 'nah that's not the case here' - she can be assured she's not being unreasonable then.

"Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask"

Well she's wrong, it is a lot to ask.

@whatonearthdoidoz yes, true.

I feel sad that your lovely friend continues to remain friends with people if they treat her so poorly though.

🙄

???

That poster said:
This particular friend is one of those mates who ends up getting taken for granted as she is so lovely and kind and people never feel they need to show up in return.

I am saying her friend deserves better than this, or do you disagree?

I think you were right to say no as you didn’t want to go and it cost a lot.

I think she’s being a drama llama. Maybe stressed with wedding planning.

If you’d accepted the wedding invite and hadn’t heard otherwise then I’d still go if she’s usually a good friend?

is the wedding in a local venue?

Other than losing the plot for the hen, it seems she can be a great friend.

I would reach out to her after the hen and say something like 'hey, hope you all had a great time! How did it go?' and then if she doesn't respond, I would not go to the wedding.

It gives you both a chance to repair. Right now, having flounced she probably knows she was a bit OTT and doesn't know how to come back from that.

I would at least try and salvage the friendship, if possible

It sounds like she would very much enjoy a begging message from you, cap in hand. It's manipulative.

I think her behavior is horrendous, entitled, and alongwith her history of being a bitch, would use this as an out.

Reissue the RSVP as a decline and wish her well.

Has anyone else in the group had a hen do abroad, or is she the first?
I’ve been to many things I haven’t been keen on over the years, because it’s normally just what mates are for. We normally have a laugh and I dare say I’ve subjected others to an event or restaurant they’d not have chosen themselves…..What awful, demanding, selfish, entitled people we all must be.

Can you not just….keep in touch as normal?! If she’s not been on the Hen WhatsApp group, then surely you’ve been in touch with her on other occasions, either text/phone/meeting up?

I’d just carry on as normal; too childish to not get in touch because everyone is sulking. Just do what you usually do. If you usually meet for coffee/pub on a friday/cinema trip/underwater basket weaving club, then just keep doing that?

And if you’ve not had any contact with her at all since leaving the group WhatsApp then that says it all really.

I think she was OTT to say it’s not that much to ask when it clearly is.

But on balance i think I find OP’s id rather be with my kids, and I’ll put myself out but only to a point attitude somewhat unreasonable.

I’ve done things I didn’t enjoy for friends, and no doubt vice versa.

I also love spending time with my kids but my kids will grow up and I don’t want to be left friendless because I CBA.

It’s a shame she’s acting like that. You did tell her you weren’t up for it.
it sounds awful. I would do exactly what you’ve done.
I would send a text saying

Hi X
I’m sorry you were sad that I wasn’t able to come to magaluf with you. I do hope you have a lovely time. And I hope we can do something nice when you get back.
And I’d love to hear all about it.
take care x

She's clearly feeling rejected by her friends. I would reach out and offer to take her for a nice local hen do, brunch or a meal out.

Just message after the hen do asking if she had a good time and if she planned to do anything in the uk and see what kind of response you get

I think this illustrates that someone can be a good friend in that they are kind, funny, take an interest in you and support you, and you may share similar interests and enjoy conversations together - but suddenly something happens that makes you realise you have very different values and expectations of yourself and those around you. And you have to decide what you'll do with the friendship from then on. Can you accept it's surface level and enjoy it for what it is, or do you need to be on the same page with your values?

I’m struggling to understand what is unreasonable about wanting to be with my kids and not inconveniencing myself beyond what I’n comfortable with? I had offered to do something in the UK with the bride if that’s the hen she wanted. It wasn’t. So what do I do? Force myself to do something I really don’t want to do and can’t afford just to keep her happy?

This isn’t about my kids growing up and being left with no friends because I CBA. I generally do try to be there for friends and make an effort. But on this occasion I think it was a big ask and her response was really OTT.

What are the others who declined to go to the hen do saying? Surely something is being said in the group chat about attending the wedding and friend’s behaviour in general?

A long weekend to Magaluf isn't everyone's cup of tea is it, never mind if you're 35. If you want people to come you make it something they're likely to want to come to! I agree your friend is being ridiculous. I might be tempted to text her on the weekend saying 'hope you all have a great time, see you at the wedding' and see what comes back. Or say 'Am I still invited to your wedding or are you still annoyed about the hen do?' but obviously that's the blunt option!

You're supposed to pretend that she is the most fun and amazing person in the world, and that you love spending time and money inconveniencing and compromising yourself on exactly the things she wanted to do, because you love her so much.

When you didn't, she thought it was because you didn't love her, rather than her having the emotional intelligence to realise that she isn't the centre of the universe and it doesn't really matter.

She has made an active choice to take offence.

A wedding abroad or a hen abroad is always going to be smaller and have less numbers. Having kids too it's a bit deal to go abroad without them depending on your situation. It's also expensive and a fair bit of effort to organise, take time off etc etc.
Anyway I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Sounds like she's going to burn a lot of bridges by the time she gets married and might be some years before the red mist fully dissipates and she admits to herself she's been a twat. Hopefully she'll reach out.

I would be wondering about even going to the wedding at this point though. If she's going to be snotty with you there is there any point in even going then, as you wouldn't enjoy it and why give her another opportunity to be nasty.
For that reason I'd probably reach out before the wedding to test the waters with her and if she's off with you, maybe discuss whether she still wants you at the wedding.

Goodness some women go bonkers when it's their wedding.

Is that the bar now? If it doesn't kill you you should go to something that financially you can't afford?

Far be it for the OP to make her own decisions with what she does with her own money 🙄

I know one of the other girls who said no but not very well. She told me that she hasn’t heard anything from her either. The other two I don’t know so wouldn’t be appropriate to ask. Basically she flounced from the group and that was the last I heard.

If you’ve RSVPd to the wedding already then you should go. Not turning up will definitely kill the friendship.

But it would be much more comfortable to have spoken to her before the wedding. I’d send her a message, asking how she is, how the wedding prep is going, let’s catch up etc. etc.