To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

She is being very unfair but people go through selfish phases especially around weddings. If you didn't show up at a wedding you rsvp'd to it would mean you are putting the lid on the coffin of your friendship and it would be very unfair. In fact I'd say it would look like you are being the dramatic one. Be the better person and show up. I also think you should reach out to her. How she reacts is what will decide the fate of the friendship. From her perspective, my friend didnt come on my hen yet didn't even get in touch after, why should I reach out first...

i don't like hens abroad like that and it's a big ask financially and very unfair pressure if people are struggling. But I also have a low tolerance of women who act like they can't leave their kids for a weekend. I spent a lot of money on my friends hens and weddings, sometimes reluctantly but we remain friends because we all put in the effort

I’d suggest you don’t do that, and instead let her think you’re coming to her wedding she’s then footing the bill for an uneaten meal.

Payback!

Then send whatever lovely message you want.

I couldn’t be doing with the childish behaviour to be honest and would just say I’m not going anymore.

you’ve a right to have your sensible boundaries. How ridiculous of her!

obviously if you want to salvage it then send your version. As I’ve got older I’ve just been more careful with who I spend time with.

But she didn’t want to go for a variety of reasons. Not just about leaving her kids. Some people just don’t like abroad hens and everything that comes with. Doesn’t mean you’re less of a friend!

the brides reaction is childish.

I really feel for you. Put it to the back of your mind if you can for now. The entitlement is not worthy of a friendship if this is how she treats you. As you say, the ball is in her court now.

I think it depends what you want the outcome to be. You need to decide. Do you want to still be friends or not? Let that be the measure you use to word your message.

I think this is what I’m struggling with. I don’t want to lose the friendship but I am really struggling to accept this behaviour. The rudeness in the first instance, the entitlement, the ignoring, the complete stop on communication, the bitching. Who does that?

I said it earlier downthread - my hen do was a much smaller affair and even then I had a few friends who couldn’t make it due to other commitments and I just said ‘that’s fine, we’ll catch up another time.’

The behaviour is so far removed from what I consider to be reasonable that it’s hard to see a future. But I’m very sad because of the past friendship we’ve shared.

I wouldn't say anything about the friendship seeming to be over. I'd keep it really simple and calm and use that excellent suggestion from a pp.

"I hope the hen went well and you had a lovely time. It's been a while since you've responded to any of my messages, so I wanted to check in with you.
As you know, I have already RSPV'd to your wedding invitation and would still love to attend and celebrate your big day. Please could you let me know if you don't want me to attend, otherwise I will assume that the invitation still stands

... Then just sign off in a pleasant way.