To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

To be honest she was probably worried more would cancel if they thought there was going to be a more local hen do

Again, it’s now you think about it how much effort you will make for your friends, and using words like “inconvenience” when asked to do something for a friend.

I don’t disagree with your conclusion but I do disagree with the way your approach and think it would be worth reflecting on.

I think you need to reach out before the hen and ask to clear the air if you want to save the friendship. Be honest with her that you would be financially strained hence why you couldn’t go as much as you would have loved to.

If she still chooses to be in a huff about it all then don’t go to the wedding and cut ties but explain why 🤷🏼‍♀️

You did the right thing in saying no for all the reasons you gave but I can understand you still valuing the friendship. I'd do as others have suggested re a text message ('have a great time etc') and then a couple of weeks later ('hope you had fun etc') - don't expect an answer to the first one as she'll still be pissed off with you but if you don't get an answer to the 2nd one....I'd presume my wedding invite was cancelled!

Oh my goodness, you've done nothing wrong!! Even if I'd pots of money and childcare wasn't an issue, this type of hen sounds pure shit. It's the sort of thing that if you agreed to go, you'd be absolutely dreading it in the run-up.
I'd probably still go to the wedding despite her behaviour, then see how it goes from there as to whether I wanted to continue the friendship. I'm not sure if I could honestly get past how unreasonable she has been!

You haven’t spoken recently so you don’t know what she’s thinking. Go to the wedding. She can’t really cancel your invite if you’ve accepted and then you’ll get a chance to congratulate her, and chat briefly. Don’t spoil her big day by cancelling and see where the friendship goes after that.

I don’t really know what you’re struggling with here. I don’t approach every situation from a standpoint of ‘how much will this inconvenience me?’

I like doing things with my friends! But on the rare occasions that something is put forward and for various reasons I will struggle to do it (be that finances, work, family commitments, or just not really fancying it) I have to question how much I’m able to stretch myself to be part of it. And if it were a night out to a restaurant I didn’t like or an activity that was going to be expensive I would absolutely do it because the inconvenience’ would be minimal. I can be a good friend and still not agree to every thing.

I think she probably had a bridezilla moment and it's extremely unlikely she wants to uninvite multiple friends from her wedding. I would send a message, totally avoiding the hen night discussion, asking how she was doing in the run up to the wedding and that you're really looking forward to it. She will appreciate the olive branch, and if she doesn't then fuck her.

MHO is that some women can turn into absolute bridezillas on the run up to the wedding. On top of organising the actual day (potentially without much help) it sounds like she's doing the organising of the hen do as well.
Playing devil's advocate, she may just be overwhelmed and extremely stressed. It's a lot! I wouldn't not go to the wedding, however I also wouldn't sit back and do nothing. She has a lot on her plate at the moment. She may be thinking your silence speaks volumes in your part of the friendship. Reach out.

Save your money for her baby shower…. (And her second baby shower)

What has this got to do with anything?

Imo hen dos abroad are like childfree weddings, absolutely nothing wrong with having them but you do have to be realistic and gracious about the fact that it does mean that not everyone will always be able to attend.

I think the advice to send a friendly message wishing her well on the hen do and see how it goes from there is good

Just an update on this. The hen is happening this weekend (now). I messaged on the day they went wishing everyone a good time. I also messaged when it was the brides child’s birthday a few weeks before. No reply to either.

Lots of social media photos - obviously her choice but lots of tagging of others with ‘best friends, so grateful’ type comments.

At this point I’m thinking that there isn’t much else I can do and I’m finding it all a bit pathetic. I set what I think was a reasonable boundary and her response has been to stop all communication. I am 99% certain there will have been some nasty comments made about me and the other friend who chose not to go because this is the type of person she is. I’ve heard her say some dreadful things about some of the hens who have actually gone with her.

I am sad to lose the friendship because despite this shitty behaviour she does have some good points too. But not much else I can do. Haven’t outright asked about the wedding invite yet.

I wouldn’t be asking tbh I would remove her from everything I think her no reply is her way of saying your done. She is a diva let her go now. It might hurt but who needs friends like her.

Why should she reach out though after her Bridezilla friend has been so unfriendly?
Going to a hen party isn't compulsory especially when it's going good be an expensive boozy weekend abroad.
Whether you go to the wedding now depends. On whether you have received and accepted an invitation.

I think you are much better off without her as a friend. She sounds extremely self centred.

I am thinking of sending one last message maybe a week or so after they get back (providing nothing has changed in that time) saying something along the lines of:
‘hi bride I hope you had a lovely time away, just wanted to say that since we haven’t spoken in months and any attempts I’ve made to get in touch have been ignored, I’m going to take it that this is your way of ending the friendship. Obviously I’m very sad about this but I’m not going to keep making effort and apologising when I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. Wishing you luck with everything going forward’.

I know some will say just leave it but I think it’s for my own clarity more than anything. When she realises I’m done with it she’ll probably change her stance again.

I think that is the right move OP. Otherwise she could tell people you ghosted her. Good luck

I think your suggested final message is a bit too nuclear. You would be directly ending the friendship yourself (unless that's definitely what you want).

She's behaved badly but it's possible that once the hen do is done and she focuses on the wedding day, she might be gutted to realise you're ditching that too.

I would suggest your next message asks if in the circumstances your wedding invitation is withdrawn. And that if you don't hear from her to the contrary then you'll assume that is the position and you won't turn up.

That would leave just enough space for her to confirm you are invited while not losing face. (You can then decide what to do with attendance and if you want to fade out after the wedding.) Or if she says no or doesnt reply you can send a further message to say hope that day goes well, shame the friendship has ended over the hen stuff but wish you all the best, bye.

I suppose the question is, where do you stand now? Either

1. You would like the friendship to continue, or
2. It is already damaged beyond repair?

Your message fits the bill in scenario 2, but may need toning down for 1. Personally I would have no desire to attend the wedding if I was planning to fade out after it, seems pointless. You also need to consider what your response would be if she does 'change her tune'. Would an apology help or are you done regardless? The answer to that will probably give you clarity.

It’ll be good to know one way or the other. If she wants to remain friends, then she can be proactive on contacting you. Sad it’s come to this though.

I agree. I’m very sad about it to be honest. But I’m also pissed off at the entitlement and the inevitable nastiness over what I think is a sensible boundary. I’ve always known she was entitled to be disappointed but to effectively end the friendship over it (even temporarily) is so bloody childish.

I will hold off sending the text. Part of me does want it to blow over. Not sure I’ll see see her in the same
light again though.

@pollyhilly
I think this is a solid text. I would frame it slightly differently.
If you still want to go to the wedding, I would add near the beginning 'As you know, I have already RSPV'd to your wedding invitation and would still love to attend and celebrate your big day. Please could you let me know if you don't want me to attend, otherwise I will assume that the invitation still stands.'

This means she will actively need to respond to you if she doesn't want you there, rather than you presenting an ultimatum on friendship. It gives her a fairly easy way for her to get off her high horse and say......'of course I want you to attend'

If you no longer want to go. Send your version. It's much more to the point.

Actually this is great advice. It puts the ball firmly in her court and doesn’t give her any way to villainise me. If she wants me to go I will of course, but unless we can get on better terms before then it’s going to be awkward as arse!