To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

My husband doesn’t go on stag do’s like this. I don’t go on hens like this.

Those kinds of holidays aren’t our cup of tea any more and the cost and inconvenience is just too much.

Go to the wedding and if the bride is off I guess the friendship is over.

But who needs friends like that?

The bride is the one who misbehaved, so it's on her to mend the friendship. I'd leave it for now and see whether she gets in touch to apologise. You have plenty of time before August.

It doesn't sound like you're invited to the wedding, op.

You have my sympathy as that weekend sounded like an utter nightmare. Forking out a few thousand just to watch strangers (her other mates) get paralytic, screaming and shouting and waving inflatable willies around.

If relations are so bad that you don't want to call her, then maybe it's time to consider the friendship is over. What a stupid reason for her to end it.

How often do you usually see her / meet up?

Do you want to remain friends?

If so I would just message as if the drama hadn't happened - just say 'Hi xxx, fancy a drink on XXX date' or whatever you usually do.

Stay calm, if she has more to say 'I did say from the outset that a long weekend abroad wouldn't be possible for me - but I hope the rest of you have a great time. Seriously, friend, if this has upset you so much that my wedding invitation is cancelled, do let me know XX'

And I would do everything I could to avoid boozy long weekend on Magaluf. I would rather flush the ££ it would cost down the loo than subject myself to it.

Great for those who would enjoy it - go for it - but it was an invitation not a summons, as the MN saying goes.

She is being dramatic. But without knowing her I might have some sympathy - i have one friend who threw a similar fit but i was sympathetic because she had shelled out so much over the years going to others’ hens and weddings and christenings, she’s been a bridesmaid loads. And people’s excuses were rubbish, they just couldn’t be bothered,

she didn’t think it was a lot to ask

It’s a huge ask. As @ThatCyanCat says, if you’d refused to go on a night about because they were going to restaurant you didn’t fancy, then people would tell you to suck it up. But most people have limited time or money (mostly both!) and anyone with kids has to factor them in very seriously. So you haven’t been unreasonable at all.

i agree that, if you’ve had an invitation and have said you are going, I would assume that stands. If you want to get in touch, could you message to ask about gifts? Eg is there a gift list? What sort of thing would be useful? Are there particular vouchers they would like? That’s practical, but opens up the conversation to all matters “wedding”?

YANBU - I would have done the same too.

She should not judge a situation she is not in .

Hen dos can be ridiculous - IMO if a bride wants people there enough then she has to acknowledge their needs / wants as much as her own. I did a day activity and then a meal / drinks in town. People could come to all or some of it.

Most friends were SAHM or on mat leave so money was tight and they had young kids .
But, I wanted them there !

As for the wedding, as you say hopefully she will have simmered by then . Maybe reach out after she has done the hen do.

This is bizarre - how do you know people couldn't be bothered? not many people like to broadcast the fact they cant afford a weekend abroad because they are down to their last tenner until payday because its bloody embarrassing.

Equally, people might be embarrassed to say that being around a bunch of people they dont/ barely know who are paralytic gives them social anxiety.

Or, they might not want to admit they simply dont want to spend their annual leave on someone else's piss up weekend.

All perfectly reasonable and it doesnt mean they cant be bothered so you really cant make that assumption. Also, if someone deliberately chooses to go on regular trips away that they really dont want to go on, cant actually afford, and causes them huge inconvenience, thats entirely on them and it doesn't follow that other people must do the same in some weird, unpleasant tit for tat

Have you historically put more effort into the friendship than her?

I bet that she wants a higher number of hen do guests in order to her own help pay for her own costs.

Because she wouldn’t find it fun. She’s made that clear!

Do you want to actually be friends with this person and go to her wedding? I would just not attend. Screw being treated that way. Don’t say anything that can make you the bad person. Just let her reach out and make your excuses politely.

You say you haven't heard from her but have you tried to get in touch? I think it's one thing if she's not answering your messages or calls and in that case I wouldn't go to the wedding.

If you haven't tried to contact her then send her a message to feel things out (if you want to). If she doesn't reply or isn't friendly then take a view. If you've RSVP'd then you can go but the question is would you want to.

I think it's fair enough to drop out if she's not answering your messages but maybe not if you haven't even tried to contact her.

I think I’d assume best not to go.

If you want to be clear though I’d send a nice text something like “Hi X, just wanted to check in before the wedding. Hope everything’s going to plan. I know things got a bit difficult about the hen night. I’d still love to come to the wedding and see you get married but if you’d prefer or you think it will be awkward I can decline the invite. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume that you’d prefer me not to attend. In which case hope you have a great day and really hope we can get together at some point in the future.”

Reach out AFTER the hen do. Otherwise she would probably just pressure you again to go. Something like 'how did it go?'. That gives her a chance to boast about what you missed. Annoying, but not as annoying as actually going!

I would send a polite decline to the wedding and make a new friend!

She is actually a very generous and supportive friend which is why I don’t want to let the friendship die completely but she is also prone to what I consider unreasonable, demanding and sometimes quite bitchy behaviour. We have both put effort it, that’s what friendships are. The difference is that I never have or never would expect her or any of my friends to do this and I certainly wouldn’t throw a fit if they couldn’t.

Bridzillas who want to dress as a born again virgin & spend £20k, £30k or whatever… see spending another £500 on a hen night as just loose change. To most £500 might be all they have in the world and would prefer to choose how they spend it. I know what I’d do with £500 or more… I certainly wouldn’t use it to share a bedroom with a stranger!!
Does she know how much flights to Malaga are at short notice in the summer?????

She obviously went the wrong way about it but it's understandable that she felt upset. If it was just you it would be fine but having a few friends reject is always disappointing. Was there not a bridesmaid or MOH to organise? Weddings are stressful and it can be a lot.

Why can't you reach out to her and just say sorry again that you couldn't come and ask how all the other planning is going? Just see how her reaction is and take it from there?

Just go then. Hopefully a temporary bridezilla phase and she will be back to normal after the wedding.

I would be a bit concerned that you turn up and there's no seat for you though...can you get in touch briefly between now and then.

You said all along you can't go abroad so you didn't do anything wrong.

Do you know any of the others who have said that they aren't going? Just to check if they have had any contact with the bride, and if they are planning on going to the wedding.

Your friend is a bridezilla! Abroad hens are a huge ask financially and personally for the people invited, I refuse to go to any! My holidays are limited and I’m not a massive fan of hen dos at the best of time so I’m not wasting my time off.
i was a friends bridesmaid she chose to go abroad for 5 days. I didn’t go (annual leave, cost and a whole load of other reasons) and she didn’t kick up a stink just accepted it and I attended her home hen night.

some brides need to realise their wedding might be the most important thing in their life but that’s not the case for their guests and wedding party

since you don’t want to lose the friendship if phone to try and clear the air her reaction will tell you if she’s willing to be reasonable and move on

Wow, no we don't. I've had to miss several of them due to costs involved or home situations.

Sorry you were cursed with such bad taste in men.

I’d assume you were still invited to the wedding. Agree send her a quick cheerful message after the hen, to check in with her and arrange a coffee.

(I probably wouldn’t ask about the hen if there is any possibility whatsoever that it didn’t go ahead, either due to lack of numbers or sulking bride. If you definitely know it did go ahead then yes show some interest).

I agree with this - people’s circumstances change. One of my friends tells the story against herself of how she bitched about a friend who didn’t come to her hen do because of childcare and moaned that she “couldn’t be bothered”. Only when my friend had a baby herself did she realise how impossible it would have been for her friend at the time! It can see how it must feel hard if you’re the last of a friendship group to marry and you don’t get quite the same experience, but life is like that and you’ll maybe benefit in other ways (friends who are well used to kids in the future, or whatever). It’s not always fair to think people “can’t be bothered”.

The wedding's not until August. Take control. Ring her and invite her out to lunch. The conversation will tell you all you need to know. If she doesn't pick up leave her a message asking her to ring you. If she ignores it you will also know where you stand. Give it say a week, two max and if she continues to childishly and rudely ignore you - well personally I'd save myself the cost of a wedding present and drop her a line saying that you will no longer be able to attend. Then be prepared if she throws a wobbler that you didn't see the point of going as her actions show she no longer considers you to be a friend.
You told her right from the start that you wouldn't be going, she's treated you really badly.

Note for the brides on here planning weddings - you do not have the right to expect others to pay a fortune for expensive trips abroad, tacky hen nights or any other whims you might have. 😂