To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

The polite thing for her friend to have done is not act like a 2 year old

Just wait for the social media photos and tag her with a comment like "Beautiful! 😍 looking forward to seeing you on the Big Day".

Then its clear you still intend to go and the onus is on her to cancel your invite.

If you have already rsvpd, I’d send a blunt message saying you won’t be attending the wedding , then unfriend her off everything.

Cheeky bitch. I’m a single mother so no way am I going abroad for a hen do. Even if I had a partner I wouldn’t go.

Ask the other friends who aren't going to the hen what they're doing.

Absolutely not being unreasonable to not spend your hard earned money and precious free time doing something you won't enjoy.

I personally wouldn't fully write off the friendship yet. It could be a bit of hurt and stress making her lash out at you for not going, that she is just really disappointed some of her friends weren't going, stressing about the wedding as many brides to be do, and taking it out on you completely inappropriately.

I would reach out when she gets back for one last chance, saying something like you hope she had an amazing time. You would still love to go to the wedding, and if she wants to a UK based night out/spa day/activity she would love for anyone else that couldn't make Magaluf you'd be happy to organise. But as you haven't spoken recently wanted to check with her first. And then gauge your long term position on her response.

Probably more effort than she is due, given the childish reaction to you previously, but as it is a very emotional time might be worth giving it one last try. However, if your gut feels this is wrong, you read the above and don't feel like the friendship is worth it, don't make any extra effort. Send your apologies for the wedding, and move on.

Good luck!

Did she pay out and attend your hen? You do sound like you are very sneery about her choice, if she picked up on it maybe she’s just hurt.

Send her a text. If she doesn't respond don't go to the wedding.

I'm going to go against the grain. If she's been a generous and caring friend in the past, would it kill you to take part in her hen weekend even if it's not to your taste?

Lots of comments like this, saying that lots of men wouldn’t worry and would just go. Not worry about their OH having to cope alone with family etc while they are away.

That is true. However, it is also true that many women on here have said their OH would not go and would not care too much about offending the ‘friend’. Choose high maintenance activities, be prepared to be offended by your friends.

One of the BIG weaknesses of women relative to men is giving a too much of a fuck about the opinions of others, especially pushy/immature/high maintenance people they perceive as a friend. FFS how many threads do we read here about one mum tying herself in knots because another mum at her kid’s school wants to take advantage and use her for free childcare/transport and she finds it difficult to say no. Do ANY of you know a bloke this had happened to?

Learn it ladies: Just Say No! And if they don’t like it, f**k em! Don’t worry so much about random others and focus on your family and real friends!

Is a weekend in Magaluf. ‘High maintenance activity’? It’s a pretty cheap flight and when you are out there, and it’s only a couple of nights.
I’d go for a mate, even if I don’t love the idea.

Yeah, my DH has never been to one in the 20 years we've been together so all this bollocks about "well, men always do it" is nonsense.

Of course, the women whose DH has done it and they arent happy about it are going to post about it because they are angry and so have a reason to vent.

Noone is going to post "another weekend and my DH is home, helping me with the kids" because thats boring and a complete non event. 😆

In the case of my friend it's my group of mates so I know them, I know their circumstances, I know they had expected this joint friend to show up to their hens in Marbella / Ibiza etc, she'd organized and paid for multiple baby showers for them, and then when it was her turn they couldn't make one night in the UK. This particular friend is one of those mates who ends up getting taken for granted as she is so lovely and kind and people never feel they need to show up in return.

So yes, in this situation, I felt that throwing a similar hissy fit (storming out of the WhatsApp etc) was kind of understandable.

It's my only pause for thought with the OP's (probably now ex) friend. If she's the last in the group to get married and has shown up to everyone else's things and when it's her turn she feels people aren't showing up, I'd understand her having a disproportionate emotional reaction. If, for example, the OP has neglected to mention a very elaborate hen or wedding she herself expected people to come to, that might be important extra info!

Personally I'd always show up to stuff, sort childcare, make sacrifices to save up, turn up even if Ibiza or whatever isn't my scene because I know those same friends showed up for me when it was my turn.

Why do people think they have the right to demand others spend huge amounts of money on their wedding, and related "celebrations"?

Our friends got married a few years ago, and it ended up costing us £2,000, which was a very very very serious stretch for us to cover, we ended up putting it on a credit card and paying it off slowly, so it actually cost us more.

The sten do involved a two night stay in a very nice hotel, plus various activities, the wedding was in a posh venue and again included a two night stay, and cost £10 a pint. They had the cheek to ask us for money as a gift, too! They sent us a message before the wedding asking how much we were planning to give them, as they wanted to plan what to spend it on!

We've learned our lesson, and will no longer be doing things we cannot or do not want to do. It doesn't define how we feel about our friends. We love our friends. We will happily attend their wedding. But stayovers, extra activities.. there's absolutely no need.

My DP says his idea of a "stag do" is going to a pub with a few friends the night before - he has always refused to go on any dos that amount to more than this.

I guess the fact that we've been "DPs" for over thirty five years shows what we both think of expensive rituals that (possibly) give you fun for a day or two.

It wouldn’t kill me but it would cost a lot of money, take me away from my kids and not be something I enjoy. As I said in pp I am always willing to go above and beyond for my friends but this one was just too long and too expensive.

For those asking we are all 35.

And as for my hen do, yes she did attend but my hen was a sit down Chinese meal, a few drinks and some pubs afterwards in our local town. I would never have expected an abroad hen.

Try to put it out of your mind until after the hen weekend, then phone her. Those weekends often get very messy and are not as enjoyable as the bride expects. She might end up completely seeing your point of view. On the other hand, if it all goes well then you not being there didn't spoil anything so she shouldn't really hold it against you.

If she is still off with you tell her you are sorry she was disappointed but, to be fair, she shouldn't have been as you'd told her from the outset you wouldn't be going. I wouldn't ask specifically if you are still invited to the wedding because as unreasonable as she is being right now she might twist that into you hinting that you don't want to go. Just say you are looking forward to the wedding and seeing her get married. If she uninvites you then the good things she brought to your friendship were probably only offered on her terms and very likely only if you were compliant.

Have you actually text her to check in? It sounds like you are just waiting for her to contact you? Her behavuour was childish but I would reach out and see how the wedding planning is going and ask if she is excited for her hen.

Sorry I still completely disagree. Just because one person can afford a weekend away in Spain doesnt mean everyone can or should. Circumstances also change. For example, when I was a mature student I couldn't afford to go to go abroad as I simply didnt have the cash- I was already living in my overdraft. Now I am further in my career, I can. It has nothing to do with how much I care for my friends, it's about the fact I was in a completely different financial place when some of my friends got married compared to the ones who got married more recently.

OP has also described this friend as bitchy so I am not sure she is quite the saint you seem to be making out

OP has just updated that for her hen do she had a simply meal out so yeah, not really comparable at all and not a reason for OP's friend to throw a petulant tantrum like she has.

@Notmycircusnotmyotter and @NeelyOHara same. I've been to loads of hens that were very much not my cup of tea. A few I actively hated. And I know what I did for mine was not the ideal way to spend time for some of my mates (you can't please everyone!).

But I don't regret any of them as I know it meant a lot to my mates for me to be there.

Same with expensive destination weddings etc. Yes some years I'd rather have spent my cash on holidays for myself. One particularly rankles where I was breastfeeding so also had to also fly out grandparents to look after the baby and bring to me every few hours to be fed. But being there for friends at their most important times is... sort of the point of friendship? If you're mates but only when it's convenient or your preferred thing that's not really being a good mate is it.

If I physically couldn't (like if I was breastfeeding or heavily pregnant and couldn't travel) of course I wouldn't get hung up about it, but then I have a relationship with my friends where they know if I physically can be there for them I will be. So if I drop out of things they understand.

This. Absolutely this.

I’ve been on a hen weekend despite feeling like you do because it made the friend happy and I cared about her happiness. It wasn’t so bad after getting some drinks down me, I danced my heart out to music I bloody hated and even wore the willy head band 😬It wasn’t completely comfortable and there was a bit of drunk girl drama between a couple of people but hey ho, it was only a few days of my life and I have some fun memories and funny photos to show for it.

OP, you have definitely done the right thing. You are an adult and have every right to say no thank you to anything you don't want to do. No friend would require someone to go somewhere they didn't want to go. I think in life you can invite people to things and then enjoy the things with people who come along.

Nobody should be strong armed into attending something they don't want to do. I have friends with differing interests and would never expect them to attend things I want to go to if they do not. Weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people, as I think you have seen in this case.

You sound like a very reasonable person who would rather avoid losing this friend and it would seem like there are alternatives to this one act of madness signaling the end of your relationship but I think if she doesn't think she has done the wrong thing, you might be at the end anyway. I almost feel that if you smooth things over, you would be signing up for more of the same in future.

What stance have the others in the group who are not going taken? Have you already RSVPd? Do you want to attend the wedding?

Her behaviour is classic bridezilla: she wants everyone to do what she wants because she is the bride. If this is a one off, you can move past it once the wedding is finished over but I have a sneaking suspicion this might be more of a permanent characteristic. You will know the answer to this. Life is short and it goes much better when friendships are reciprocal. I could never ask my friends who would hate a weekend in Magaluf subject themselves to one because I wanted to. I want my friends to be happy regardless of whether it fits in with my whims.

Urgh, this is why I’m very glad all of my friends are now married and I don’t have to go on any more extravagant hen dos. Solidarity OP, as a big weekend partying in Magaluf would absolutely not be my cup of tea anymore. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the bride choosing to do whatever they want for their hen do, but it is BU for brides to get the hump if their friends can’t/don’t want to attend.
But, to answer your question about the wedding- absolutely still go. You’ve been invited and you’ve rsvp’d. Your attendance is all set (unless bride lets you know otherwise between now and then!). Tbh, the bride will be so busy on her wedding day that chances are she wouldn’t speak with you much anyway. Go, and have a lovely time 😊

The frostiness is not coming from you. I would phone and leave a message if she doesn't answer. 'Hi , hope you're okay, I haven't heard from you for a while. Just checking I am still invited to the wedding.. please let me know by x date if you want me there'

I'm not making anyone out to be a saint. My own friend is a saint. This bride might be a witch. But this is an AIBU thread so it's an invite to try and see both sides of the situation. The whole point is to consider whether the OP might be being unreasonable.

And my comment was...

... I have a friend who behaved in a similar way and at the time I did feel given the circumstances, sympathetic to her being upset. In my friend's circumstance, I knew the people were just being lame, because I know the people.

... and IF the OP had herself done abroad hen or wedding or IF the OP has expected the bride to be there for her in other above and beyond ways over the years, or IF there was a mass dropout of other friends on the group who had similarly expected big things from the bride when it was their turns (explaining an emotional 'f you all then' type reaction) THEN I would feel that maybe the OP should be more understanding.

....BUT it might be the bride is just a huge drama queen.

And if your view is that if it is the case that a person expects someone else to show up for all their big life events, but when it's their mate's turn, doesn't want to and that if their friend gets cross about it their mate is the unreasonable one... we'll agree to disagree.