To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

why though? this is just teaching her that her behaviour is acceptable and that she can treat people like the dirt off her shoes and they'll still chase her and pander to her after her awful behaviour. No. This is wrong

I would do this. Keep it bright and breezy - then the ball is in her court.

Some women do get very entitled around their weddings.

I wouldn't do it personally... but the OP has said that she would still like to go to the wedding and not lose the friendship. So I think a very short message leaving the ball in the Brides court might be appropriate.

Ah yes, you're right.

I kind of hope you dont though OP- this doesnt sound like much of a "friend" to me

I get that and it's totally fine (Magaluf sounds like hell on earth but I'd still go, just because I don't get many opportunities to go on holiday without my family 😂), I was more commenting on that other poster who implied you weren't going due to your husband's feelings

Honestly hen dos and weddings are just totally unreasonable these days. I agree with a pp in that the bride to be is being incredibly entitled and bratty. To expect people to go abroad for a boozy weekend and during a cost of living crisis as well. What’s wrong with doing a night out or something in the UK?!

I would absolutely not go to this type of hen do, it also sounds like my idea of hell. I would assume your invitation to the wedding is revoked unless you hear otherwise! (Although I'd have no interest going to the wedding or carrying the friendship on personally)

I wouldnt do it even if i was young single and child free

I will add yes i am happy to go away without my husband but no chance on this regardless

I would understand I was uninvited to the August wedding.
Up to her to reach out to her invitees after her flounce, it´s her wedding.
But, bottom line, I don´t understand why someone (you) would put up with such treatment from a supposed friend, and go back for more. But from the pps, quite a lot would.

You’re obviously not unreasonable.

I personally would be upset with my friend that they felt entitled and wrote a message saying it’s not a lot to ask before exiting a group chat then not messaging me for weeks.

True friends would understand not everyone could go abroad, especially with money/youngDC/just not being their thing. I have declined abroad hens in the past and friends have accepted this and understood.

The thing is you still want to remain friends and go to the wedding, so for that reason I would say reach out to friend and explain how you feel. I personally wouldn’t just brush it over and forget about it, but if I wanted to stay friends id reach out.

I actually have pulled out of being MOH before because my bridezilla friend kept getting annoyed that I couldn’t attend last min bits and even being annoyed when my son was poorly and I wouldn’t cancel taking him to the doctors to go and look at flowers with her.

I would just check-in with her after the hen do to see how it went and say that she must be really excited for the big day now.

If she replies, great, invite still is valid.
If she ignores you, great, invite is invalid and you’ve saved yourself 100s of pounds.

No yanbu and I will forever be baffled by the large number of people who get the raving hump when other people don’t want to attend a weekend away that will set them back hundreds or thousands of pounds where they get no say in where they go or what they do. I find it very odd.

I mean, if you still want to go despite her ridiculous behaviour…. I wouldn’t reach out and ask if you’re still invited. I’d just message her about normal stuff. See the vibe. Ask how she is, suggest catching up soon. Speak to her like you normally would. If she ignores you and you literally don’t hear from her until the wedding, then dont go. But if she responds and all is well, then go,

Yanbu at all. I might push myself out of comfort zone for a hen do for an evening not a long weekend.

For me i would need to have invite or uninvite confirmed before wedding. I would get in touch as you would have normally to allow hen do strop to be swept under carpet. Eg a message or phonecall and day to day chat. Gives her the chance to backtrack on the awkwardness. Not that she deserves it but I would make allowances for an occasional huff from a friend if upset.

I think you either want to ignore her behaviour, carry on as normal, and attend the wedding: get in touch like you normally would, ask her what she's up to, attend the wedding.

Or, her behaviour has put you off her to the extent that you no longer want a friendship with her: change your RSVP and leave her to it.

Did she cancel the hen do or are reduced numbers going? If a lot cancelled I can understand she's upset, but you said from the beginning you couldn't afford it. If the hen do goes ahead I would message her afterwards asking how it all went and hoping they had a great time and reiterate that it was a pity that you really couldn't afford to go, then see what she replies.

I think if you've RSVPd you should assume you're still invited and go.

YANBU not to want to go on a weekend Hen Do.

We can usually afford a holiday abroad every other year, I wouldn't be wasting it on going somewhere I don't want to go, doing activities I haven't picked with people who aren't my family.

If it were a single evening that just wasn't your thing then I might have said that for a couple of hours you should suck it up (obviously depending on things like childcare and just how badly it might affect you). But a whole weekend of stuff you hate, in another country a flight away, and with all the implications regarding work, money and family... nah, of course not. She's entitled to have that sort of hen and people are entitled to say they simply can't do it.

Are there any mutual friends who can give you some sort of steer, or raise this with the bride?

You mean apart from the fact she doesn't want to go & even if she did it's too late now.

@pollyhilly I couldn't be doing with her 'it's not too much to ask' & withdrawing from the group chat. I'd just send a 'sorry can't make the wedding' message & let her crack on with her self obsessed bridezilla routine.

I wouldn't go to this hen either. Too expensive and not my thing. Bride needs to accept that not everyone will attend - perhaps she'll calm down a bit after it's over. I wouldn't try to chase or cajole her - you offered to do something with her in the UK, which is perfectly reasonable.
I'd probably go to the wedding, make the necessary effort there and see how things are after that.
You said there were a few other people who declined the hen invite; do you know whether they've had the same frosty treatment / how they're feeling?

She invited you to the wedding, you have RSVPed yes.

Unless she rescinds your invitation, and you do still want to go, I would go.

However, if you usually message each other fairly frequently, maybe send her a normal 'catch up' kind of message, and see what response you get.

Arsey response - reply saying in the circumstances you feel it's not appropriate for you to go the wedding so respectfully you will not be attending, and wish her well.

No response - reply as above after a couple of weeks.

Normal response - go to the wedding.

BTW there's no way I would go to that sort of hen do, it sounds like hell on earth.

As another poster has said, MN is a microcosm and not a representative sample of everyone. By its very nature there will be more who complain about their husbands unreasonable behaviour. Sadly justifiable in many instances.

I am a man and have regularly refused this type of stag do because a weekend of drunken debauchery holds no interest for me. Not that my friends engage in any debauchery that exceeds staying up past 9pm these days.

What I would do in this situation is carry on as if nothing has happened. No need to make it my problem. I would go to the wedding, having been invited, but make no further comment on any of it. If it is still a problem for the person concerned it will become very evident which then dictates what happens next. Mostly, I would just get on with my life, and not give it further thought. If people want to behave like arseholes, it doesn't need to interfere with my day.

As you've RSVPed yes, then if you don't turn up, that's a real insult and - I agree with you - will signal the end of the friendship. So, I guess it depends on how you feel. If she was rude enough to you that you are happy to let the friendship die, don't go. But if you feel she was having a bridezilla moment but didn't say anything entirely unforgivable, give her some grace and turn up as if nothing has happened. Only you know the difference.

I wouldn't go even if I was still invited. Having a massive hissy fit and leaving the group is not how I'd expect a friend to act. I would message and say as I've not heard from you since you had your hissy fit over the hen do, I assume I'm no longer invited to the wedding . It is on her then to reply and say sorry of course you are, or no, Or ignore you. Either way she's still got time to amend the wedding numbers.