To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[pollyhilly]

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

YABU at all.

As you have said, going would be a big upheaval in terms of flying, rooming, childcare, money, work - and to be honest, even if you were practically able to go, it's still your personal choice! Plus, you were transparent early on that you wouldn't be able to go.

The fact that she has reacted badly to this reflects on her and not you. Of course she is disappointed that what she wanted to do has not worked out, and she is allowed to be, but equally she needs to appreciate that expecting other adults to go along with exactly what you want regardless or preference or circumstance is very unrealistic.

If you have accepted the invite to the wedding and she doesn't message in the meantime to 'un-invite' you (which would be a very dramatic and unnecessary thing to do!) then I would assume you are still invited and attend if you can, but recognise that this friendship is not one you have to chase post-wedding.

For context, I have/had a high maintenance friend who organised a hen-do and wedding abroad, neither of which I could go to for work and financial reasons, which she was not understanding of at all - she has been cold with me ever since but the whole situation just highlighted the other fantastic friends I have in my life, and highlighted how hanging on to someone who makes me on edge and makes me feel I need to please them all the time is not worth it!

Keep us posted!

Then the polite thing to do would be to let her know if you decide that you're not attending?

The other thing that occurs to me is that very often the 'hens' end up having to split the cost of the bride's holiday between themselves. She's probably pissed off because the less people attend the less likely she is to get her costs covered.

As you have RSVPd to the invitation I would assume you are still invited to the wedding unless she tells you otherwise- not to turn up when she has paid for you to be there really would end the friendship. Attending without having spoken in months would be awkward so I would send her a message checking in on hiw she is.

Re her reaction- did she attend your hen do/go out of her way for you before your wedding or after by offering babysitting or similar? If so I can understand her being a bit miffed that you won't do the same or go out of your way for her. If not, then she is being unreasonable.

Oh for the days when a hen do was a night at the pub and a male stripper 🥰🤣😇

You've been invited and you've RSVPd. So you're expected to be there. Just not turning up when you've been catered for would be massively unreasonable and far more likely to destroy the friendship.

You say that you weren't the only one to not go to the hen do. So if you're anxious about it all, contact one of them to see what they're planning on doing.

Wait until after the hen trip and see where the dust settles. Some of the other women who are going should be able to give you a good idea of her frame of mind.

She obviously means a lot to you. She was being unreasonable expecting everyone to make a very expensive hen do, and shouldn’t have behaved in the way she did.

I think I’d say, be the bigger person and call her first, if you don’t want to lose the friendship. Can you maybe arrange a more low key hen night for her, in addition to her weekend away? It might help smooth things over a bit.

I presume she is still your friend-have you not ring, text, spoken to or seen her since?

I would contact her (how you normally do) and see if she wants to do one of the things you normally do together and take it from there.

Just text her , ignore the whole hen thing and ask if she fancies meeting up for coffee , at least that way you will get an idea of how the land lies .

Depends on how good a friend you consider her to be really? If the wedding is in August, I would proceed as if you are going i.e. keep the date free etc but leave it a few weeks yet. If nearer the time you still haven't heard anything, I would reach out with a opening and say something like "I'm sensing a bit of tension over the hen do and with the wedding coming up, I'm wondering if you want to talk about it, I'm happy to do so" and let her respond. Given the situation, I probably wouldn't turn up at the wedding without some sort of check in with her (for my own sake as well as hers) and if she no longer wants you there, you save yourself the effort/time etc and maybe this friendship is past its sell by date?

On a wider note, when did people become so demanding on their friends? It is not healthy.

Exactly, it's the same with Stags it's become fashionable to have a Hen/Stag weekend.

One night is good, it's traditionally supposed to be one night - everyone is more likely to be able to make it if it's just one night too.

If it was me, I’d drop her a line before the hen do hoping she has a great time, and reflecting your regret you can’t attend. See what if anything comes back. You’ve been invited to the wedding itself and said yes, so you are going unless you tell her otherwise, (or she tells you otherwise). I’d make a decision depending on if she responded to my hen do good wishes. Maybe the friendship is over, maybe she’ll get over herself, hard to say at this stage. Sad how bridezilla some people get!

100 per cent. My dh can never understand why I get so upset at perceived digs or snubs. He always says “tell her to fuck off” (that’s what he would do in a heartbeat)

Sounds like she’s thrown a tantrum and now doesn’t know how to back down. If I wanted to maintain the friendship then I would extend the Olive branch and give her a way out of her silliness but if I was questioning the drama and potential hassle in the future I would write and let her know I wasn’t attending the wedding under the circumstances, wish her well and move on.

I think sometimes people just genuinely can’t see that different people think about things differently and think it’s a reflection of you not caring about them.

I had a lovely friend get married a few years ago. She had a few days in a posh holiday cottage about an hour from home with activities in the property.

I know she really thought it would be a lovely treat for everybody but I’d never choose to holiday near home, hated sharing rooms, got a bit of cabin fever and hated spending so long with people when I didn’t know half of them more than to say hello to. So to me it was a very expensive waste of hundred of pounds. I’m glad I went as I cared about the bride but I did resent it a little as I’d rather have spent the money doing something with my family.

I think people think they love a certain idea so everyone else will to.

regardless of her other qualities I wouldn't expect a good friend to treat me or others like that

Definitely this. Men don’t think twice and just go!!

“I know you must be crazy busy in the run up to the big day, but it would be great if we could meet up for lunch or a drink beforehand. When would suit you?”

Or words to this effect. Her response will tell you what you need to know.

Just to put a different perspective - I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to go and she is being ridiculous, but maybe she was really upset and (incorrectly) thought it meant people didn’t care about her. People can act very irrationally when they’re hurt.

Has she put herself out a lot for other people’s hen dos and birthdays etc?

If she’s been a good friend in the past, I’d give her a message or phone call and try to smooth things over. If she persists in being silly then at least you’ve tried.

How old is she out of interest?

I’d send her a message suggesting a pre wedding day out for you both. Maybe treat her to a spa day/ meal out.
Yes her behaviour wasn’t wonderful but if she’s previously been a supportive friend I’d give her a pass for this.

I think it’s ok for her to be upset that people aren’t coming (and as a PP said might incorrectly see it as people not caring). It’s also obviously fine for you not to want to go too - I wouldn’t either to that sort of thing and wish people would just do a simple meal or drinks especially if they want everyone to attend:

I think you should message her after the hen and say you hope she had a good time and then ask directly whether she wants you to come to the wedding as she seems upset that you were ant able to attend. You’d still love to come if she wants you there but understand if not but can she let you know. She’ll either tell you or if she doesn’t respond then you don’t go, I wouldn’t be sending vague testing the water messages.

If you get through this one and continue the friendship.. imagine the drama and entitlement around baby showers etc. It’ll only get worse!

Obviously I’m making the very general, sweeping assumption that marriage is then followed by baby, which isn’t always the case, but the point still stands… if she’s this entitled about her hen, do you really want to navigate that for the rest of your life?

In view of your update about what a good friend she has been to you overall, I think you should drop her a short message to say you're thinking of her and look forward to the wedding, maybe see if she wants to get together for a coffee. Staying away from the wedding after you've already RSVPed would be bad form. She hasn't actually uninvited you.

Then either decide you are able to ignore her bad behaviour altogether and forgive her for her occasional outbursts, or tell her at some point how you felt when she had her strop, and see whether she's able to take it on board.