Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

Some school rules are ridiculous though. How does make up impact learning?

You need to sit down with her and tell her the options. Is she willing to risk expulsion over it?
Go to the sixth form college and look round so she can see the alternatives. Or local state school that ost as bothered because they all wear lashes.
I would be telling her you were the same too, and try and figure it out together. Did you fail
all your exams?

My DD did similar about hair colour back when she was in Y11. It was beautifully written but the Deputy head who she locked horns with, didn’t even respond.
I suppose the lesson is that ultimately they’ve got bigger things to worry about than individual kids’ crusades to be individual. She dyed her hair back begrudgingly and aced her GCSES. The teacher remained unfriendly for the rest of the year unfortunately

What a tiresome child. Where's the individuality in false eyelashes and lip piercings? It's like people who say they want to express their individuality by getting a tattoo, the same as everybody else.

It sounds like DD could use a break from school after GCSEs.

My daughter is ND and has low self esteem. She also finds school really hard.

we used to have the same issues (it’s better now she has started adhd meds)

essentially she hated walking into school and her hair / nails was her armour. It gave her the confidence to face a day at school. Sanctions meant nothing - she is also awaiting an asd assessment and shows some PDA traits.

she was essentially suspended over the length of her skirt - in her mind the fear of being laughed at for it it being too long outweighed anything the school would do.

i would say key is improving her underlying feelings - if my daughter was asked to remove lashes on a day she was feeling ok she would do it no issue - a bad day she would be in isolation.

she has dyed her her black from blond - I live with that. She wants blue / pink underneath. I refuse that even though she says school are ok with it - I said I would allow if she let me ring school to ask 😂. That said I’ve been pics of a couple of her school friends with very bright hair.

her sister had a septum piercing at the end of Y10 - school never noticed as you can flip them up and she was good at remembering, is that an option instead of something more visible.

I think she is 16 and old enough to face the consequences of her choices. In effect she has given two fingers to the school and said Rules Are For Others.

They should give her a short suspension for (a) persistently breaking the rules (b) defiance when asked to obey them and (c) pour encourager les autres. They should ask her to make preparations to be expelled. Then they should expel her.
She can be stubborn without the whole school as her audience.

You job isn’t to take away the make-up, it is to say to the school that the need to escalate sharpish.

In which case you could just move her to the local comprehensive. Where I teach there are no makeup or eyelashes rules. The girls all have identikit looks: very long hair, heavy makeup, huge false eyelashes, long false nails. The results are good.
Additionally, if she has such low self esteem and other associated problems, then it would be a good idea to pay for counselling for her.
Does she do sport/hobbies, Guides, DofE or anything?

She’s your daughter in your house, start acting like a parent and pussyfooting around her, how is she going to cope in the real world/workplace if she can’t cope with being told to not wear false eyelashes.

I’d have a meeting with school and tell them that you can’t physically make her comply with this rule, but it’s an important part of her self esteem, she has a talent that she clearly wants to demonstrate. You don’t want them to kick her out and what compromise is there to be had for this final year that protects her mental health and still respects their (fucking pointless) rules.

From what I understand private schools are in financial difficulties so they won’t want to lose you and the results your daughter will bring them.

This is someone’s child you are talking about… where are your manners?

OP asked for advice not for you to insult her daughter.

Did your parents not teach you “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”?!

I had this with my DD in year 9/10. Private girls school and she's a summer baby (not held back). My daughter wore plain black trousers and got expelled. They later resinded the decision but she'd lost face.
My daughter had been bullied for 'chunky legs'. She just wanted to cover them up. The majority of teaching staff wore trousers and my smart arse DD pointed this out along with the equality act. After trying to find an alternative school she asked to go to the local 'dump'. It was the best thing I ever did. She had multiple coloured hair, stick on nails etc. When I asked the headmaster about the uniform code it was ' if I can see through it, up it or down it' you're not wearing it. Only a shirt and tie that she wore daily. She then went to a state six form with the same liberal views.
Fwiw she's now a med student.

I work in beauty at C-Suite level. I recommend if she wants a beauty career apply to college and perhaps a Saturday job in Boots/ Space NK. Mac also employ trainee make up artists.

And this is why you shouldn’t defer a year when they are 4.

I should think the current school won’t allow her back next year and she will end up stuck.

I wonder if this might actually be your solution… given that she’s in private school where it may be their rules or the highway, you need to have a very honest conversation with her about all of this.

I would have an open conversation about how you feel about the rules, share that you were the same at her age so you completely understand BUT you also want her to get the best education she can and emphasise the importance of her being able to complete education, which unfortunately means having to listen to their rules

both things can be true … the rules are pointless but for the moment, you need to follow them

Maybe you could introduce some sort of incentive to her doing this, e.g you’ll pay for her piercing in the summer as long as she doesn’t wear make up for the rest of the term and on the agreement she can only wear it out of school

Next year maybe there’s another incentive to follow till the summer term… you’ll pay for her to do a decent make up course, but her a make up kit etc

You need to acknowledge her interests, collaboratively recognise the problem and discuss solutions together

How many days does she have left at school?

Is it just exams she is present for or actual lessons?

Can you just get her to sit the exams and assure the school she will then leave and this will no longer be a problem to them after x date?

This. I think this rebellion is pretty harmless really and I wouldn't be punishing her at home per se. But let her know that she could get chucked out of school. Is that what she wants? Perhaps it is. Is that what the school want? Would she prefer to GCSEs at home with a tutor? Does she know where she wants to study/train in beauty and what does she need to get in? It sounds like she is doing quite well and school and DD need to reach a compromise so she can so her exams then have more freedom.

Sometimes state comprehensives can be more strict on uniform unfortunately.

Not in this instance. This is a private school, and the OP could easily find a non selective state school which allows makeup and false eyelashes, although not necessarily many piercings.

DD2's non selective state school was more strict on uniform than DD1's super-selective grammar. And had more homework. Most are. School with relaxed rules on appearance are like unicorns.

I think the school is being unreasonable. Tell them she is neurodiverse and the makeup is copying mechanism for her and they are discriminating. She is 16 I think she should be able to wear makeup if she wants. Is it very ott makeup I’m guessing.

Yes, a teacher or one of the deputy heads will take her to an appropriate toilet and tell her to wash it off

if she refuses then they’ll put her in isolation.

i can’t speak to the Irish system but that’s the English system in the schools that have make up rules.

op, be aware the local comp may be even more strict.

I could have written this post! I'm tattooed, pierced & a medically retired Assistant Headteacher. My DD is 15 & in Yr 10. She's also, like the OP, ND. She's incredible at makeup (a very common hyperfixation for ND teenage girls apparently - told to me by CAMHS). Her school gave up the make up obsession a few years ago. My DD has a nose stud, belly piercing & wears lashes/subtle make up. It doesn't affect her education whatsoever. I'm 'lucky' that DD's school are more focused on those bringing weapons or drugs into school than who is wearing individual lashes...a depressing statement but a sign of education in 2026.
OP- I'm not sure what the answer is. As you've chosen private then they could ask your DD to leave. I'd spell out to her the possible outcomes if she continues to go against these rules. She's obviously old enough to understand the consequences. Good Luck.....x

As your DD is at a private school did you sign a parent contract that agree for your DD is abide by school rules?
What are the consequences of not abiding by school rules at your DD school?
Some people don think "rules" apply to them and they often face consequences they dont like and havent thought through.
If your DD school has specific consequences for not complying with school rules eg: detentions, suspension or expulsion discuss these with your DD.
Perhaps she wants to move to a different more relaxed school?
Though moving mid gcse course seems unwise over false eyelashes and makeup. Make it clear she will probably have to leave her current school if she chooses not to abide by the rules and ask what her plans are if that happens.
My son did this in yr 10 with attention seeking hairstyles,(shaved patterns,colours and a shaved stripe through the eyebrow)i told him we and he agreed to abide by school rules and to renage on that makes us all look fools, i asked him why he thought the school rules didn't apply to him.
I told him he could move to a school with less strict appearance rules (which he could research and find) or abide by the rules with the proviso that he could have the hairstyle he preferred in summer holidays.
He did get suspended and eventually agreed to follow the school rules until he left school after which he never bothered with the attention seeking hairstyles.
Hes adult now and laughs about how utterly ridiculous he he looked at that time.

Also can she maybe just tone the makeup down. Is it subtle or is it really ott cleaning makeup look. In any case I don’t think the school should be that involved but I suppose it can be distracting looking at someone’s face if it’s totally overdone.

Agreed. You say she likes it there? Well she is risking her place. It’s only a matter of time before they take steps towards suspension and ultimately exclusion. She’s being really silly to risk it all like this.

I would say this is a good approach. Just telling her to follow the rules clearly won't work.
I'd be explaining the alternative if she gets kicked out which is a state school where she knows nobody half way through GCSE year. Along with the fact that you will lose your deposit.
so she can hate it all she wants but it's a private school they are under zero obligation to keep her on. Show her the parental agreement you had to sign and the fact that she has to uphold code of conduct or will be expelled.
If she doesn't want that then she has to comply. No matter how stupid the rule.

Not where I work, not in our MAT, or the previous one. I've never taught anywhere which banned makeup like this. However, it's obviously variable.
We have to focus on vaping, toilet vandalism and internal truancy quite a lot, so it just isn't a good use of teacher time.
However, I suspect in these private schools they like to present a certain image.