Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

so what are the consequences from school? is she getting detention? other consequences?
if she isn't, what consequences are you giving her?

I can understand you not wanting to remove all her stuff if it's tied in with her self esteem issues but you're wanting her to change just cos you've asked nicely, and that isn't happening so what are the consequences?

does she know she's at risk of expulsion?

what would have worked with you At that age?

Have to leave school at 16 to enter College or non 'Strict' Formal Sixth Form

Nothing would have worked with me to be honest, that’s why I’m struggling so much to know what the right course of action is. My parents took my makeup away and I refused to go to school at all as I didn’t want my peers seeing me without makeup.

Which is exactly why it’s ridiculous that schools in this country prioritise a child’s presentation over their education. Will she really get expelled for wearing fake eyelashes?? Seriously…

What is her view? If she wants to leave at 16 with qualifications she kind of has to stay there as she's already been held back a year. So what is her priority?

This, it’s a very fragile, damaged ego to be stamping your foot with the “yeah but I want this!!! Im
one oF the vulnerable ones!!”

Maybe speak to her frankly about your experience. She’s can think the rules are petty but if she wants to go there she needs to just put up with it (can wear makeup and lashes outside school) agree she can have piercing June 27 etc.
Is there a school council or any campaigning to channel her rebellion to. I went that route. My dd was involved in a campaign about pe kit yr11. I think some girls naturally outgrow school environment and are ready to move on.

Rather than wrecking her lashes with false lashes glued on, lash serum can have amazing results and would give her the look but not breaking rules. It might be a compromise.

Honestly, just act like an adult and a parent. Tell her that the school rules are to be obeyed, whether she agrees with them or not. She may very well have jobs in the future in which there is a dress code, so she might as well get used to it.

If she won't comply tell there have to be sanctions and then follow through. Your choice what to do, grounding, confiscation of phone etc. My choice would be confiscation of make up all week, given back at weekends, until she agrees to comply.

She will hate you but that's par for the course at times.

I've had teenage daughters, now adult, so do know what they can be like..

If she was in the correct year she'd nearly have finished wearing uniform, so maybe feels too old for it.

No advice sorry. Are you close?

You say shes good otherwise? Maybe this is her big rebellion?

I do feel like a huge hypocrite with my DD over this issue as I have 40 plus piercings including many on my face and I’m heavily tattooed. I have allowed her at 10 to get her ears done and at 14 to get both sides of her nose done, but no more facial anything until she’s older. Luckily the school she’s at don’t care about piercings and hair colour. At 16 when she no longer needs your consent there’s not a lot you can do other than let her take the consequences. I do think it’s ridiculous how schools crack down on make up, again, hers doesn’t. The school allow the alternative kids to do their thing as long as they’re attending and engaging with lessons, the hill they choose to die on is with the many severely misbehaving and disruptive kids, there’s even a whole building just for those kids that’s like a mini prison. Sign of the times around here.

It’s time they reviewed their policies. Are they for genuine safeguarding reasons, or “just because”…? Times have moved on and lots of young people like to express themselves through their identity. If it isn’t harming either them or anyone else then there shouldn’t be a problem with it.

I’m fairly certain they won’t. She might get asked to leave for theft, or causing damage to property or something severe, but make up??

they need your money, they’ll turn a blind heavily powdered eye in the long term I’m sure.

She can't be that much of a summer baby if she is already 16. There is still very early 1/4 of the cohort tear to go (June,July, August). Trying to be heavy with your daughter will backfire. In so many ways she now has legal autonomy, another thread I read today explained that at 16 parents can no longer access medical records. If she had been in the correct school year she would now be able to get on with planned career with a course at a Sixth form or further education college. It sounds as though she has outgrown the petty rules of the school and that is not by her choice. You chose to hold her back a year. Now you have to accept the consequence of YOUR decision.

Realistically though the private school won’t change their policy. One of the reasons parents choose private schools is for strict rules and often a more old fashioned approach. If you enrol then you are signing up to abide by their rules.
Depends on school and how much hassle she’s causing them. If it’s an academic school and she’s getting 6s then the make up thing may be a convenient way to get her off their yr11 stats. 100% of our pupils got A (7) or above…
Private schools are businesses. They rely on parents looking at older pupils at open days and on website and thinking that’s exactly what I want for my 10 yr old. Fake lashes and piercings can be perceived as a bit chavy and probably not image school wants to convey.

I was this girl! Creative and artistic, academic, wayward and opposed to authority! I would never remove my makeup, they tried to force me to wear trousers because they didn’t like how I wore my skirt, and in my final year had my lip pierced in a number of places (among many other piercings!) and they threatened to not allow me sit the state exams if I didn’t take them out… I just laughed 😂 Honestly, my mother would walk into that school and back me to the hilt, defend me against all of them in every situation… then absolutely roast me when we got home 🙈😅

And guess what? I went on to get a 1.1 degree in science from one of the best universities in the country, I now earn very well, and have a great relationship with my Mum… and still have the lip piercings! Allow your daughter some individuality, I mean what bloody difference does it make to her ability to learn if she has false eyelashes on? I’m all for rules and discipline, I really am, but schools go too far and completely overstep at times.

I mean, are they really going to exclude her for wearing false eyelashes? Will they forcibly remove them? Will they wash her face clean of makeup? The answer to all those things should be no in any civilised, free society, they just need to get over it.

(The caveat is my experience in the Irish school system, the UK school system seems completely ridiculous to me)

I’d take her make up if she’s going to blatantly be rude to staff at school. You’re paying a lot of money for her education. What are your consequences for her not following rules? I’m all for individuality but life is about following rules, whether you’re ND or NT. My teen DD doesn’t wear make up, but she had a thing about skirt length, as did most kids. In the end the school stopped enforcing the rules, but I made sure her clothes weren’t too in breach of the rules. Had there been any calls / emails home i’d have took her shopping and given her a lecture that there are times in life we all need to follow rules.

The school may ask her to leave, so I guess you need to be a bit stricter about it at home, though appreciate it’s difficult to physically make her take make up off etc, but i’d be telling her i’ll he ringing the school to advise I am telling her daily and she is not listening, and advise DD what the consequences could be. It would be hugely disrupting if she has to change schools at this stage. I do get frustrated with teens who think that they can do what they like, and it seems like she is doing exactly that right now. Maybe the school actually doing something about it, such as a temporary exclusion would scare her into compliance.

I think that can be one of the downsides to holding back a year. My son is August born, and he thrived at school.

My friend had a similar problem with her sons school, they kept contacting her and pressurising her to do something.

in the end she went to the school and said stop harassing me, I'm not ruining my relationship with my son over something you see as an issue.

if you keep right out of it your daughter will have to handle it, and whatever rebelling she’s doing is not against you.

tell her it’s her life and you’ll support her whatever …

She's got a choice - if her individuality is so important to her then she moves to a different school that supports her expressing that in her appearance or she conforms for a couple of years to finish her schooling at her current school.
Regardless of her choice, I'd be looking at supporting her self esteem - a teenager shouldn't feel she needs make-up etc.

She should be allowed wear makeup and reasonable length eyelashes. I agree with no piercing for health and safety reasons.
It is a horrible age where you feel awkward.
There will be no issue in college.
Id buy her some natural concealer, get tinted eyelashes and eyebrows. 🤷‍♀️ meet in the middle.

Stop funding it. And tell her if she disobeys then she pays the price. I do feel for her though as she’s effectively nearly 17 I wouldnt have been told what I could and couldn’t wear either at that age.
but I suppose that’s the consequence of holding them back a year.

This.
You need to make it very very clear to her that the school could, and probably will, expel her if she doesn't conform to their rules.
She'll leave the school no choice really. What makes you think they won't expel her?

Would now be a good time to tell her this about you and that you fully understand where she is coming from? Then acknowledge that the school has these rules and sometimes in life we must follow other people's rules or make conscious choices when to challenge them and accept the consequences. And that following rules one thinks are stupid is difficult at any age but this is sometimes life. Then if the consequences are potentially being thrown out of a school she is otherwise very happy in yet she still wants to refuse to follow them she could perhaps present her reasons why she doesn't agree with their rules as a written piece and see if they would be willing to respond with the reasons they have the rules.