Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

Can you legally get a piercing at 16? Take the make up away from her.

Yes unfortunately you can.

Why are you buying the false lashes etc?

Going her room and physically remove ALL make up and fake lashes and make sure she has no access to any money until she behaves herself!!!
if she has no makeup/lashes/money for piercings or anything else - my guess is she will soon comply!

She’s 16 so leaving a a few weeks after GCSEs? If she opts for college not school sixth form there shouldn’t be the same rules.

How is she getting money for these things?

I would tell her that if she gets a lip piercing and doesn’t start following the makeup rules you’ll be cutting off all allowance and maybe her phone.

Presumably leaving after GCSEs?

most schools don’t really care at exam time and a lot of sixth forms have no uniform.

She saves up money from Christmas and her birthdays. She’s also had some body issues in the past and problems with her self-esteem and appearance, saying she is ugly etc, which the makeup and lashes she’s says help to boost her confidence.

This.

I would back the school up op, she's clearly out to be rebelious. Tell her that she can't get her lip done until she's left school and if she does you'll cancel her phone contract.

Could you go the other way then and take her somewhere for a consultation on very natural makeup? if she’s going to wear it maybe she could tone it down to a natural look.

Firstly, I'm with her that many school rules on appearance are excessive. Understand for piercings for PE. Schools should focus on education not fashion really.

As to what you do - this is tricky. If you remove everything will she comply and go to school? If not, it's a fairly empty gesture.

If she's 16 - is this sixth form? Would she transfer to college?

I’ll suggest this. Trouble is she’s very happy with how she currently does it, and to be honest it doesn’t look bad, she’s very skilled with makeup and the eye lashes which she does individually, not a big strip lash, but the school has a zero makeup policy. I’m not sure she’ll agree to this, it’s a bit of a rock and a hard place between balancing the school rules and her self-esteem.

If she is 16 is she just about to finish school anyway? Or is she staying on for 6th form and they have the same rules? My dd, also 16, has pushed back against the rules a lot more in the last few months as she gets closer to leaving. Her school though is very inconsistent in enforcing the rules though so I see her side a lot more.

What does she want to do as a career? Lots of jobs will have uniform/ makeup rules. You haven’t mentioned any consequences.

She’s incredibly arty so she wants to do a fashion course next or makeup or nail and lash technician.

She’s in Year 10, should be Year 11 but kept behind a year as she’s a summer baby.

So let the school give her detentions and whatever they do for failure to follow school rules. Her choices, so she gets the consequences.

Does she actually understand the possible consequences? The school will only ask her so many times before they start putting her in isolation or suspending her. If she has plans to return to that school for 6th form they aren’t obligated to let her so if she wants to continue at the school past this summer then she needs to follow their rules. If she doesn’t want to stay then I’d say at this point of the year with so little time left that theres very little incentive for her to follow their rules rules and so this feels like a battle neither you nor the school will win.

What is her plan next year? College is probably a better pace for her rather than fighting over make up and piercings.
I went to one the first very liberal sixth forms and honestly by Christmas of the first year all those who had been rebelling with make up and piercings couldn’t be bothered because it didn’t get a reaction.

How long does she have left at school? If not that long, I'd just leave her be. At 16, she has bodily autonomy, and any big restrictions/sanctions are only going to encourage her to rebel more and in other ways. She seems like she is otherwise a good teenager, and I would be picking my battles carefully to keep all the good things you describe. College will be fine with makeup and piercings, why make life stressful in the short term? Schools need to concentrate on so many other more important things in my opinion, but I'm aware that most responses so far are advising you to come down hard on this! I have two teenagers, and they are good people - one gets into trouble for uniform infractions, but they are on the whole pretty awesome, so I don't stress about it.

She’s heading for suspension for disregarding instructions and school rules. This may scupper her plans for next steps. Ask her if that bothers her.

She has another year, she’s Year 10. It’s also a private school so they can technically just terminate the contract and ask her to leave (I don’t think they would but it is a worry).

Ok, well in most schools it would be detention and if repeatedly done she’d be in isolation until she took it off/etc.

once a teacher has asked her to take the make up off and she’s refused it becomes refusal to follow rules and they can throw the book at her.

I’d be saying that she has less than a year of school ahead of her and once at college she can but if she does it now she’s setting herself up for a year 11 from hell and she doesn’t need that. Sometimes we have to wait for what we want and it’s really not long. I’d go as far as to say I’ll pay for the piercing as soon as GCSEs are complete.