Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

Age of consent for piercing is 16.

The school will punish her. That's enough

Well as long as they are equally capable of accepting the consequences of not following rules. In this case the op's dd is likely to be excluded from her school and won't be able to continue her education with her friends.

I find it astonishing that so many parents fail to grasp the point of uniform rules which is twofold. Firstly, to create a level playing field so students don't have so much anxiety over their appearance e.g. Sasha is the coolest because she's got lip piercing but Millie is a loser because her Mum won't let her get one. And secondly, getting teenagers to follow the rules is useful, if you relax those rules they just find another one to break. There have always been uniform rules. When I was at school in the 90's you weren't allowed nose piercings, doc martens or dyed hair amongst many other things. If you did those things you got sanctions. It's the same now. The only difference is parents have decided not to back schools up and actively emcourage their offspring to break the rules which means that large numbers of students no longer feel they need to follow any rules e.g. do their work, be quiet so the teacher can teach, do their work.

@IcarusFallingDown I'm sorry OP you have people being rude regarding the private school option you chose.
Up thread I gave you some options for your DD to get some beauty experience.
My mother didn't want me to have a career in beauty. She only forgave me when I was appointed a Managing Director at 30 (the youngest in the cosmetic industry!). I have received salaries of £300k plus.
My DC had a mixture of private and state education. What you spend your money is your business.
For the poster who doesn't value the beauty industry, they're nuts. I have shares in a company I helped found. When it is sold later this year my cut is £3-5m. Not bad for a council house kid!

Fwiw you can't wax anyone under 18. It's an intimate service.

This, tinted moisturiser, clear mascara and lip gloss or does it have to be full on insta glam with the brows lips and lashes?

Am I a boor who is determined that just everybody absolutely must know how, creative, artistic, interesting and demonstrative of my individuality I am? No, but carry on being you.

Have I raised teenagers? Yes, three girls, who go steady on the make-up, and more importantly for this situation, go to a school where makeup is permitted. Their conduct contract is very light in this area, but OP’s daughter’s is not. So she needs to (same as at work with regards whatever conduct standards are agreed) either toe the line or fuck-off.

Wow… toe the line or fuck off? You realise this is someone’s young daughter you’re speaking about?

Again people follow the school's dress code. There's a reason girls can't wear mini skirts for example.

If the daughter is disobeying just let the school dish out their punishments.

You are kidding yourself if you think she is well behaved, she definitely isn’t. Why are you allowing her to break the rules?

I think that taking away her make-up and access to money is the only way forward.

Leave her some basic make-up items which she will likely get away with at school and point out to her that this lifestyle she has is a privilege.

She might fight back… but you have to try and lay down some clear rules and determine your boundaries.

Kids, even teenagers, can thrive with boundaries. They can feel safe with boundaries. There might be kick-back initially but they are there to keep her safe and benefit her.

I would chose this hill to fight on

In our Irish secondary school, not private, very strict uniform and compliance policy too. Especially with anything obvious, even coats!

@AlternateLook

well, a lot of men are misogynistic beasts so I don’t think she’s far wrong tbh

I think you gave up any claim to the moral high ground with “they threatened to not allow me sit the state exams if I didn’t take them out… I just laughed 😂”. You don’t get to performatively go “See If I Care” and then act the cry baby when someone calls your bluff.

The ASD diagnosis is probably at the heart of this issue, isnt it? She’s likely too socially immature and rigid to appreciate that arguing about dress codes is pointless as they’ll eventually just want her to leave. The school isn’t going to have an epiphanic moment after arguing with her and decide that all facial piercings are suddenly acceptable.

The support she receives may also not be obvious to her, so she doesn’t realise that school life would likely be worse in a school where she doesn’t have it.

I have had my fair share of piercings, most of them gone now, but my children go or have gone to a private school in Aus with very strict uniform guidelines, I like it 🤷‍♀️. They look like school kids and you can’t play school water polo with facial piercings and fake eyelashes. 2 of them have left, one got additional ear piercings the week after her final exams but she hasn’t been stunted emotionally by having to wait till school finished. There’s nothing wrong with delayed gratification, but I do think there needs to be a degree of maturity for a teen to realise that.

I would also actively involve her in looking for a new school, which is where she is headed. It might not be a bad thing, depends on much she’s being scaffolded now.

I think some key issues here have been lost in the blunt squabble of following the rules or not, the issue isn’t private school or state school or forcing the issue at home and backing up the school. This is a child who had no choice in being held back a year, her age group are now making their own decisions on the next step into their future and she isn’t because she has been held back. This rebellion is about so much more than wearing jewellery or make up to school and it’s very worrying that so many posters seem to have focused in on just that. The only control she has at the moment are these decisions about hair and make up because she isn’t able to make the decisions she should at this age, unless there are severe learning difficulties and she isn’t capable of making these decisions I image she is frustrated. Another poster pointed out she is in a year where some children are still only 14 or have only just turned 15 that’s a big difference at this age. I think you need to talk to her about the next step best for her. If she wants to stay at her current school she’s old enough to follow the rules, but if she would rather do her GCSE’s in a more relaxed school or college she should be able to make that choice.

I'm sure your daughters are lovely, which is remarkable since it seems you cannot communicate courteously even as far as this discussion.

Actually you make good points and put things in a way I hadn’t considered.