Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

“I don’t here from them now.”

Oh dear.

Shes lucky she has such a lenient school.At the one I work at its isolation if refuse.

@SpudGunToo don't be unkind. It's probably a typo.

She’s setting herself up to fail in the future. We live in a world where there are rules to follow, “petty” or not. There’s plenty of other ways to “express herself”.

I wonder what sort of careers the “you go girl, you break them rules!” people have ended up in.

I’ve never really seen what there is to celebrate in braking rules for the sake of it, and definitely never seen why it’s viewed as a moral good.

I have though seen quite a few graduates lose a career in banking through ignoring what in their view were silly rules.

Presumably the daughter who is 16 is buying them for herself.

I know the argument is well we all have to follow rules at work, but I've never come across the same level of ridiculousness in the workplace as I have in school. I'd let school give consequences but I wouldn't do more tbh.

Can’t believe the school worries about this kind of thing. Does it really matter?!

If she has low self esteem, does she have underlying skin issues e.g. acne? If so, would treatment of this with e.g. azelaic acid or systemic treatments from the GP help? Fair enough to wear minimal undetectable make-up if you're very self-conscious about your skin but sounds like she's taken it too far. Could she wear subtle mineral make-up like bare minerals if she's going to be very distressed with stopping? School wouldn't pick up on it and she would have the coverage she feels she needs.

If the school is going to police a 16-year-old girl's makeup, I'd be tempted to tell them she wears concealer because of severe acne and eye makeup to distract from the scarring and ask whether they're really prepared to force her to come to school feeling self-conscious about her appearance.

I think, if you trust that your daughter is generally able to understand consequences, you probably need to discuss - calmly but factually - with her those consequences (including that it may result in her being asked to leave) and then let her make her own choices. The school have their sanctions and she will have to weigh up how much of it she is willing to accept, and how strongly she feels to keep this going

Realistically, you cannot force her to do anything. You can be heavy-handed if you like and take her make-up and phone but it sounds as if this doesn't really work and will simply cause trouble at home. You may find she complies to a degree, and enough to tolerate the final year, but if she really really won't you cannot make her, regardless of any futile punishments.

Normal teenage behaviour back in my day and I'm only 30. Honestly I agree with her. God we looked bloody ridiculous with orange faces and sweeping brushes for eyes. You can't tell the women who dressed like that from the women who didn't wear makeup now. It's not about education, it's about rules for rules sake and I can't get behind that.

Its not even like we're talking about super short skirts showing her pants, it's just makeup.

Personally I'd just leave her to it and tell school I can't pin her down and pull them off, and neither can they. she's made her decision please stop pestering me about it. Let me know if her grades drop or she gets caught smoking or shagging a teacher but quite frankly I have bigger things to worry about when raising teenagers. And really so do they, how about they focus on cracking down on bullying but schools rarely do because that's being done by big aggressive boys and it's easier to go on at a girl that is trying to feel comfortable in her skin when the world is telling her to criticise herself constantly.

But I'd have a word with her about the potential consequences. Many detentions means no prom sometimes. And also make an effort to boost her confidence.

I’d give her two choices.

She complies or leaves- then has to do a college course and take GCSE Maths and English alongside.

Maybe a bit drastic but as you’re not going to remove her make up, phone and money, I don’t see what other choices you have.

There you are then. That’s the very first question we all need to ask - ‘why?’

Because she has low self esteem and body issues.

So taking away her make up etc would be a dreadful idea. She would likely stop going into school.

I think she needs to make her own choices and then experience the consequences at school.

As her parent - conversations and active listening. Curiosity. Empathy. Interest. Seek to understand where she is at without trying to force anything. Support around her self esteem.

No you really can’t! Not from anywhere that you should be getting piercings from. I say this as a teenager with a nose and lip ring!!! Unfortunately I can’t offer much advice because they just expelled me….

@SpudGunToo don’t be a di*k, there is no need.

You are falling into the trap of seeing school and home as two separate entities. They are
not. Whatever she chooses to do at school she is also disobeying your wishes at home. You need to take it all away from her and step up the consequences at home too. It doesn’t matter if she agrees with the rules or not, they are the rules. Such is life.

@IcarusFallingDown half of the girls are wearing makeup in ds class (y8). They have strict rules for clothes, hats, piercings but makeup is not on the list.

I would tell your dd that you agree that wearing makeup is not impacting her learning when in school but that irl you have to compy with rules you don't agree with. Some workplaces have strict codes- you can take that as an example. You have to comply even if you don't agree.

I would be firmer than you though. If she's wearing concealer they won't notice but fake lashes are noticeable. If she doesn't comply I would confiscate her phone, money and everything else. She's got one job: school. Or switch to a state school.

Trying to control it and take away her make up is bad advice. She is likely to refuse to go to school because what is underlying it is a self esteem issue.

I would visit some other schools with her with a possibility of her moving schools - this is traumatic ime and I’d be surprised if she wanted to do that so might shake her into following the rules more willingly
Also I would visit different colleges where she might continue her studies so if she has something to look forward to or to aim for might make her appreciate why she is at school and doing exams -thinking of her future could be exciting
i would imagine art or fashion schools everyone is demonstrating their unique identity

She’s 16, I think it’s completely unreasonable to stop her wearing make up. Leave her to make her own decisions as to how she wants to look. She understands the consequences. Also surely this is only an issue for a few more weeks at most if she is 16? Maybe the lip piercing could wait until after exams as a celebration?

Rules around makeup etc are not necessarily all about makeup but more about teaching kids about boundaries, structure and discipline. It's a lifeskill as whatever happens in life we will all have to do things we don't want to whether it's sticking to speed limits, doing the dull bit of your job or doing the washing up. What kind of lesson are we setting kids if parents tell them they can pick and choose what rules they adhere to?

Is she likely to be amenable to logical argument?

You can lay out the facts
-the school has a no makeup and jewellery rule
-she won't be allowed to stay in school if she wears them
-she needs to go to school to get GCSEs
-she needs GCSEs to do <whatever it is she wants to do>

and see what she suggests. If she suggests something like "the school needs to change their rule" you can ask how she would go about making that happen e.g. the school might be open to a request with legitimate reasons.

This is a good idea. Help her to focus on what she wants out of the last year of her secondary education..

I'm all for backing the school over genuine behaviour problems and homework - but this kind of thing pisses me off to be honest. She is 16, not 12 and her makeup looks nice (taking your word for it OP). The school has rules, which I understand they want to enforce - but why do they insist on making it the parents problem!?

Others have said cut off her phone, ground her, take away her allowance and all her money - why? To cause a giant fight at home over something thats nothing to do with home life? All that does is damage your relationship with her and disturb the harmony of your household. Its the schools battle that they want you to fight for them.

OP how are the school if you or your child has a problem? Do they make as much effort as they are expecting you to, to resolve situations on your behalf?

Does your nearest comprehensive have places available?

I would check that out and see if she can have a visit. She might see lots of DC who look like her.

Then she has a choice. If she wants to keep her make up etc, then her private school will possibly suspend or expel her. So this would be her new school. She wouldn’t have an individual look in the way she does at private school, but she would have a tribe. Her choice. Keep the make up and change schools, or keep the school and drop the make up.

Up to her.