Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

It is quite excessive for them to have a zero make up policy imo. Are there other schools in the area that have less strict rules? Can you ask her if she would consider transferring schools to one where the rules suit her more? Or she could petition the school to re-consider this rule? My dd wrote a 4 page essay about why she should be allowed to wear her hair the way she wanted to and her and the head reached a compromise and she is now also allowed to go to prom, which she had previously been banned from.

Tell her to do some more natural looking mascara. No one needs fake lashes. If she tones it all down the school will likely back off.

As for the lip piercing I’d say no. Wait til she’s 18 and an adult. Not good for jobs etc too.

If this is the worst problem she is causing at 16 and with her self-esteem issues that are common at this age, I wouldn't be taking a heavy handed approach personally. I'd agree that the school rules are shit and that she should be able to express her individuality. But, they wont let up or they'll have everyone pushing the boundaries. So she needs to find a compromise where the make-up is toned down a bit and the lashes are less obvious. Or maybe book her in for a lash lift and tint which looks really natural if you have the budget. Then I'd tell her I'd pay for her piercing and make a day of it with lunch and shopping or something as soon as exams are over and its no longer the schools business.

So stupid school rules gets to dictate and destroy her previously peaceful and loving, happy home?? What crap.

That’s trickier as she’s been held back so is only yr10.
Speak to her about just getting through the year and focusing on what’s next. She’ll presumably need gcses for the college courses she wants. If she gets suspended for piercing then it’s going to faff up her plans.
Is a compromise a bit of make up and no lashes.
As for school you can say you’ll speak to her but they need to punish as per policy.
If she’s generally not happy at the private school maybe consider her leaving now as she’s 16 and starting college yr12 and taking GCSE’s in maths and English alongside her beauty course.

Hopefully she will have learnt by the time she starts applying for jobs that there are rules to be observed. Otherwise she wont get very far in life

Back up school that she will be at for a few more months at the cost if her relationship with her daughter. That is so stupid.

I was like this as a teenager with piercings, I got my nose pierced at 12 without my mum’s permission, tongue at 14 etc (pure rebellion, I regret that one!), lots up my ears. I’m an adult now and have over 30 piercings and tattoos.

BUT, having been a teacher and also in the same place as your daughter, I’d really caution her against it. She won’t be able to heal a piercing properly if school make her take it out, and it’s not worth the drama of getting in trouble constantly. I wish I’d have waited until I was old enough to have piercings and body mods without the hassle.

Legally she can leave school on the last Friday in June this year and if she keeps up this behaviour the school, even a private one might not be too unhappy to lose her. Keeping her back a year seems to have backfired. She is clearly confident enough in herself to continually break the school rules so maybe a move to somewhere less restrictive and cheaper might be better all round.

So she’s well behaved ? Doesn’t drink smoke vape etc? How is she doing with her school work?
I wouldn’t be bothered about make up if all of the above is in order. The school sound like control freaks

If it’s a private school, they can expel her-is that what she wants?

Ahaha she sounds like me. My mum just said okay for your last year of school if you grit your teeth and get on with being a “sheep” (my words) I’ll pay for your piercing the day you finish year 11 because the college don’t care. I do think she assumed it was a phase and I’d have the piercings a year or two but they are still there 10 years later.

You need to make this explicitly clear to her.

Shes 16 and more than able to understand the consequences of her actions, she needs to weigh up if the makeup and piercings are worth the risk of being kicked out and not being able to stay at this school with her friends right through to the end of next year as per the current plan.

She also needs to know the impact to you, the stress and frustration of having to deal with the schools complaints, the possibility of losing her school fees and her not actually being able to attend due to suspensions, the cost to you in sending her to a private school is high, it’s presumably for her benefit to give her access to the best education possible and she’s pissing it away for eyelashes and lipstick. She can wear that stuff straight after school, at weekend, during holidays.

Well in terms of aesthetic rules I support that entirely depends upon where she works?

Also if you wanna scare her lip piercings can fuck up your teeth.

This she needs money to buy makeup and false eyelashes so stop giving it to her. And ask family and friends please not to give cash for birthday presents until this issue has sorted itself out.
Id also be taking her phone off her - cancel the sim card you presumably pay for if she refuses to hand it over - until she decides shes going to behave

You need to lay down some boundaries and pdq as its obvious she has no respect for your authority. Im guessing you havent been consistent with real consequences over the years and its now coming home to roost.

What happens if she keeps breaking the rules, will it be escalating sanctions all the way up to exclusion?

It’s not good in the year she’s going to be working towards her GCSEs. Does she understand the possible longer-term effects if it reduces her exam grades through exclusion, and that it could be a very high price indeed in order only to show some people who she’ll never see again that they’re not her boss?

It does, but if she fails her GCSEs because of a disrupted final year then the chance she has to end up in a uniform and with a name badge goes up.

She’s doing well, in her mocks she got all 6s and above.

She sounds ready for college, I guess that's the downside of being held back

I would limit her access to cash for now, so she can't buy piercings, and come up with a compromise for her around make up

Is she unhappy at school maybe? I would explain you will let her switch at 16 but she has to toe the line for now

Oh, you are one of those parents! Let your child do whatever they want so they will like you.

She should back the school up so that her dd learns a life lesson. Sometimes you need to follow the rules. The alternative is teaching her she doesn't need to follow rules if she doesn't like them.

Don’t send your child to private school then let her behave like a spoilt brat. If she wants to wear loads of makeup and flaunt the rules, send her to state school and save yourself the money.

She’s happy at school, has a real good group of friends, she’s also ND so I’m pleased she has coped and managed so well with school - that was the point of paying for private in the first place, a smaller and quieter environment for her to thrive with her ND. She’s doing well in her subjects. She just hates all their ‘petty’ (her words) rules that mean she cannot express herself how she wants.

Trouble is that because she is a year behind at school she will be 18 in year 12 of school. So even if the parents make her wait until 18 she'd still be in school with more than a year to go when she got it done. In my experience, if you make them wait it is more likely she will go and get it done the day after her 18th birthday just to prove a point.

Does she work? A fast food pt job might curtail plans for piercings. Mine worked in McDonalds pt from 16 and had to take piercings out from memory.
I was thoroughly over school and some of the petty rules by 5th year and ready for college.
It’s a disadvantage of being held back a year. She’s ready to leave school but because of being held back she’s got another year.