Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

Why are these against school rules though? Why does it have any bearing on ability or readiness to learn? People in professional jobs don’t these days can have piercings, tattoos, non natural hair colour etc, so why are there schools with archaic rules?

But surely you can see that at some level she really isn't that happy if she repeatedly breaks the rules. A really happy child would toe the line. I think you are trying to convince yourself that she is still a little girl you can persuade to be compliant like her older brother but by her attitude over the makeup she is trying to tell you that she is a stifled young woman. Has she been in the correct school year she could now have plans in place to go to a sixth form environment suitable to her personality. I think the next 12 months are going to be very hard.

I know lawyers, accountants and insurance brokers with piercings.

If she is very self conscious about her appearance you could offer to get her natural looking eyelash extensions and a good skincare routine if she doesn't get the lip piercing and stops wearing makeup to school.

Give her another outlet for her self expression at school. You said she is arty and interested in fashion, so maybe get her to design and make her own school bag. She could pain a design on a canvas tote or something?

In the long term work with her on self confidence. Help her understand that she can be an individual and express herself without makeup, clothes, piercings etc.

To be honest, I don't like this rule now where a teenagers appearance is more important than their education. Academies are like this too. When children get to a certain age they start to develop their own style.

As you're in between a rock and a hard place OP, I'd encourage her to obey school rules but perhaps promise at the end of the week to buy a little make up treat if she goes the whole week without wearing any while at school, and promise to take her for her piercing once she's finished next year if she still wants it (she may not by then!). Perhaps too try and find other ways that lift her self-esteem, drama class? Something in the arts which she seems to love perhaps.

If she won't take on board that we all chose our battles and this one isn't worth a fight over, then she will just have to take the consequences. She may tire of those naturally...

State schools generally go down one of two lines in response to this

if she is using make up because she genuinely feels she can’t cope without it and feels ugly etc they may refer her to the in school counsellor. In one case I am aware of where the girl had burns on her face they did exempt her from the rules but asked her to do more natural looking.

if there are no major issues and she keeps doing it they’ll assign someone to check on her each morning and take her to the loos and wash it off.

you can expect a lot of emails.

a private school might get very fed up with doing the second and might start making noises about this not being the right school for her.

If she’s generally happy there she’ll need to suck it up for 12 months.
If she’s going to go there for yr11 then she needs to abide by rules. If not then you’ll save your money and she can join college in September.
If she wants the nice advantages of private then she needs to put up with their rules. She’s 16 old enough to realise she’s at risk of being expelled and impact on her future plans.

The poor girl. She just wants to assert her individuality and when she does she feels better about herself. The stupid school rules. It makes no difference to her education if she’s wearing eyelashes or not.
maybe she needs to change schools.
I would leave her to it. Let her fight her own battles. You cannot control her.
let the school deal with it.
if they expel her she can go to a college where she’s free to be herself

She's at the wrong school if expressing herself is important. So have a discussion about what options there are. Does she want to carry on, probably receiving detentions and then isolation and ultimately expulsion? This will be a waste of time (and money) and stressful for her, you and the school. She could change schools (go to college?) for next year but that might be difficult half way through her GCSEs. You can empathise with her point of view without supporting it.

Her behaviour suggests she isn't very happy though, otherwise she'd be able to tolerate the rules.

The OP is not going to let her daughter leave the school. That is clear from the tone of her posts.

Because as a private school they get to choose the rules that are important to them and the image they wish to convey.

In signing up you agree to those.

My private school dictated everything we wore, down to coat, shoes, bags, hats and underwear . Bright red gym knickers. I am still traumatised

Their school, their rules.

It may be outside OP’s control though. If the DD won’t attend without her makeup/lashes or gets a piercing and school suspends or expels her the dd will be needing to go to college anyway. Perhaps better to start yr12 at college in September rather than get expelled.
She can disagree with the petty rules put a private school is like a club with its own rules. If she wants the perks of being in the club so small classes, things she’s looking forward to in yr11 like prom then she needs to just get her head down for 12 months.
I agree she doesn’t sound particularly happy there.

Shed surely have to get some GCSES before she can go to college. And as she's already a year behind she's going to feel incredibly old for her age if she has to resit year 10 somewhere else. In fact I don't even know if thats possible? Maybe at an online school.

@IcarusFallingDown she needs to understand that unless she doesn't want to finish 6th form till she's 20 she's going to have to suck up the rules for the next 12 months

It doesn’t make sense for her to leave the school when she has one year left and hasn’t sat any of her GCSEs yet?

How can she start year 12 in September if she doesn't have any GCSES?

Exactly this x

Some of these comments are bonkers. No child NEEDS to wear false eyelashes to express themselves! If she wants to stick plastic fake lashes onto her face she can do it at the weekend. You need to parent her and nip this in the bud. The school will be more pissed off with you than her.

I was the same (though DD doesn’t know this) when I was at school, I also suspect I am ND, I think ADHD / PDA. I too had self-esteem issues and no way was I going without my makeup and hair, ironically I don’t wear any makeup these days just skin care! I was happy at school, just had a similar attitude to DD that it was all ridiculous and didn’t affect my learning or the learning of others, so I wasn’t going to follow their silly rules. To be clear DD doesn’t know this about me!

Firstly Is she happy there?

Personally I’d ask her to do more natural makeup for the rest of year 10/11. Buy her a new set of natural makeup of her choosing. If the school has issues you can just chat about these at home, so she knows the consequences at school. I would let the school put the boundaries in and just keep telling them you’ve spoken to her but she’s very set on wearing makeup as it helps her confidence. Don’t invest too much thought or time into pedantic school rules.

Colleges will take yp with no GCSEs. Can take Maths and English GCSEs there.
It makes sense to stay at current school but if she’s going to spend yr11 suspended or expelled for repeated violation of uniform code then she’s not getting her GCSEs at that school in any event.
Does she realise that’s a possibility?

Unfortunately she's not really got the option of repeating the year somewhere else so she's going to have to follow their "silly" rules.

I have had similar with my DD. Not facial piercings but regular sanctions for make-up, uniform and jewellery. She doesn’t care about rules that she doesn’t think are important.

She gets all her work done and is polite etc but as far as she’s concerned, she’ll wear what she wants. The only teachers she listens to are the sports coaches as they’ll prevent her playing a match if she has incorrect kit or jewellery.

To be honest, I gave up long ago. I responded to an email from the school telling them to stop emailing me about these infringements. It is their rules and it’s up to them to enforce them, not me. I support any sanction they want to dish out but I’m not getting involved beyond that. I don’t here from them now.

Speaking as someone who is ND and ND son is transferring to a Private School to redo year 10 in September 16 is very young for any ND Child. She is not ready for College nor to leave school. It is a crying shame that most ND children after leave school at 16 and enter College. A Strict School Sixth form is Ok i suppose but really Socially ND children even if Academically Bright should be held back a year. She needs to be told that she is a year 10 Pupil and to behave like one or suffer consequences at school and home. This also with you given her support for her Neurodiversity.