Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

Yes but this is a private school, which means they are free to impose any rules, regulations and standards they deem applicable.

The pay off for all the money you pay out to keep your child away from the hoi polloi in the local comprehensive and get all the benefits of private education, smaller classes, better behaved pupils, stricter discipline, extra curricular activities, etc. is that you and your children have to follow the rules of the school.

Lol I was not dissimilar. Empathise with her. School rules are annoying. Can you negotiate? You will let the make up go but no to the nose piercing? Fwiw I am now a professional with a well paid job. She's doing well otherwise. Let her be. Let her have the battle with the school. Listen to her. Negotiate.

And I went to private school. Am now highly educated. Got good grades etc. But got told off for make up all the time. Ha. Teenage rebellion is not unhealthy. Normal part of life.

I wonder if the DD is aware of difference as she’s at private private. Some teens are very naive and probably think as long as mum pays £15,000 they won’t chuck me out.
If she’s at point of arguing publicly with teachers and daily emails home school could easily ask her to leave. She’s not bringing academics or sporting achievements to table by sound of it eg she’s not going to be newspaper as a girl who got 10 x A* holding up balloons. Schools are businesses and can very easily say no more. Especially if other parents are complaining eg they are paying for an hour history lesson, not 45 mins as 15 minutes spent with Miss arguing with DD about her lashes.

Me and a friend got given eye makeup up remover to take off the black eye makeup up before the school photo. We dutifully went off and put more on and jumped in the photo at the last minute!

My advice now would be to back the school up - those are the rules, not your rules, school rules,while listening to her and helping her understand the consequences etc. The school won't like it. You'll get into trouble. Rinse and repeat. Not your battle. Her battle.

FML what a huge bitch

Options:

1. Give her a choice- either she follows the rules for the next year and after that she can go to a college with no dress code and wear as much make-up as she wants, or you put in the term's notice and at Christmas she'll start at state school and have 2 terms to get herself together to finish her GSCEs, possibly with different exam boards.
2. Take all her make-up away and say that if she can't wear it at only appropriate times, she can't wear it at all.
3. Leave her to it and let her face the school's disciplinary measures, up to and including exclusion.

Are you deliberately misunderstanding?

We did not need to send our children to private school as we feel they are intelligent enough to succeed without it.

How can you possibly read that and think no wrote the opposite?

DH has an Oxford degree and a doctorate after attending a state comp, why would we want our children to go to a school with people like your DH who clearly needed to pay to try to succeed?

Lots of parents send their children to private schools because they have needs that can’t be met in the state system (autism, ADHD). My DDs school has 40% SEN students. We’re collectively saving the state sector a lot of money in support staff, EHCPs etc.

Spoken like the defensive bloke you are

You’re the pigeon strutting around the chessboard now.

No problem, Boudicca...

And I bet you’re just buckets of fun at parties! Have you raised teenagers btw?

Have you spoken to school from SEN perspective. If they are 40% SEN it’s not their first rodeo with a child wanting to bend uniform rules due to sensory issues etc.

'first rodeo..' Deary me, we really are becoming the 51st State...😆

Vanity is not a Special Educational Need.

😂

As if wearing fake lashes is a need 😂🤦🤦😂

This, weird and controlling

The same as the lack of Sky TV and Netflix in their bedroom is child neglect to some on here...

Struggling to imagine you would argue that sticking huge false lashes on your eyes is a sensory need. Quite the opposite I would say. I can't think of anything more unpleasant for a day at school

Why don't you tell her exactly this? "When you refuse to follow school rules it makes me anxious they might terminate the contract and kick you out. I worry about your future and it is difficult for me to concentrate on other things when I am this worried."

Confiscating her makeup or punishments will just make her double down and deteriorate your relationship with her.

No didn’t mean lashes were sensory need just they will be used to dealing with SEN and adjustments.
Op has said the makeup is due to low confidence/body issues sort of like a mask.

Tell every piercer in town that you do not give permission for your child to be pierced.
Let her have limited makeup. Mascara lip balm etc
Parent her!

If she finds it elsewhere let her face the consequences and back the school up

Op has said the DD is ND with self esteem and body confidence issues. Putting makeup on as a mask is very common with some teens with ND or body dysmorphia type issues. It’s far more complex than vanity.