Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

A lot of state schools might be ok with the makeup (inasmuch as they often ignore that but stress over ties...) but the piercing might not be ok

It's a difficult situation for both you and your daughter. Is there another school she could go to, it's such a a pity as she feels ugly without it, I don't think you should ruin your relationship with your daughter. Is there an alternative education route or what does she want to do if she can't attend school. It would be worth asking her opinion on how to move forward as you want to support her without taking away her future options.

She has another year and GCSEs so school could get arsy.

yep thats true and if they arent then the OP needs to either grow a pair and deal with this or home educate.

The school have more options than just detentions or expulsion. They will likely escalate over time though. At our school she would be unlikely to be allowed to her y11 prom, maybe not allowed on school trips (except essential ones) or represent the school in art/sport/public speaking etc. Losing out on Prom was the most effective at our school.

Try and stop the money - ask friends and family not to give money at all for Xmas and bday, gifts only.

After that I’d just let her. And let the school deal with it. Let her sit in the detentions and miss prom and whatever else the consequences are.

I don't mean to derail the conversation from OP. And guess the fact that OPs daughter is in private education makes a difference - you know what the rules are before you enter. Unfortunately in English school you are not really given a choice to express yourself and your appearance needs to fit the norm. I find this very sad. It also always baffles me why so many people are willing to let the schools dictate their childrens appearance. I don't mean the uniform but their face and hair. I don't understand why more parents do not have an issue with this huge overstep by schools. Infact it seems to be encouraged. Madness.

My Dad told my sibling that if he had the piercing (quite a big facial one) he wanted at the time that he wouldn't pay fs!)or university. "you can't do that" "try me". the piercing never happened.

We've all been told that any tattoos mean we're out of the will "but it's MY body" "well it's MY money so we'll see how that works out for you". none of us have any tattoos.

Obvs that's a generation ago and you can say what you want.

On a more helpful note, might I suggest a joint meeting with school - so they can see you're on side with this. It sounds really frustrating for you.

One of my school mates used to say that if we were wearing enough makeup for teachers to make a deal out of it, we were probably wearing too much. We'd wear foundation, a coat of mascara and a bit of blush - kept in natural and neutral and we were massive geeks so school didn't care. The girls who came in with loads of heavy eyeliner, lipliner etc (90s) did get told to wash it off.

Do you have a career/job @SkyBlueCloudyLakes ? If you turned up at that job dressed inappropriately would they have something to say about that? Yes, of course they would! so why not equip our children when they are young to understand that sometimes there are rules that might not make a lot of sense but you either follow them or you leave. Following rules has absolutely nothing to do with the rule itself (except the health and safety ones of course but I am talking about fashion or peoples concept of it) Its about teaching your children that shock horror the world actually does not revolve around them the way the family home does. they arent the most important snowflake on the snowman.

why do you think so many kids are struggling with mental health and employment at the moment? could it be because they lack resilience and understanding that sometimes you just have to do stuff you dont want to do and you cant play the "oh this really stresses me out" card every single time?

If I choose to send my child to a school where the rule is that everyone must dye their hair blue, then I either dye their hair blue or send them somewhere else.

The world does not revolve around your child. the sooner they realise this, understand it, get on with it, the better it is all round. or do you want them to grow up not ever sticking at a job or enjoying their life as they should? its honestly so simple, it really is.

@somanychristmaslights

i can’t think of any jobs where you’re not allowed to wear makeup if you want to

Shock horror I actually agree with most of your post. And just to point out my post had nothing to do with inappropriate clothing or not following the school rules. It is about make up, hair dye and piercings. Huge percentage of people dye their hair and has more than one piercing. And I would like to claim majority of these people have a career. I do think this particular rule in a British schools is extremely outdated and as said in my previous post I am surprised more people do not challenge it.

I also don't like overly strict rules about uniform /piercings/make up

But if I had a daughter who was already a year behind her peers ( so can't afford to risk having to retake a year) and was at a private school where she was otherwise happy, and wasn't their star student academically, I would be telling her to just accept the rules till the end of year 11. Anything else is just idiocy right now. She just doesn't have enough on her side to take a "so what" approach.

I'd be quite happy to be written out of the will then. How dare grown ass adults try and bully and blackmail how other adults look. That's not normal

@SkyBlueCloudyLakes so what if its outdated? its the rule, follow it or go somewhere else. I dyed my hair when I had left school because it was the school rule that if you did then you either changed it or you left. simple, really really simple, easy to understand clear policy which I signed up to when I went to the school. people dont challenge it because 99% of the population realise that this is life - you have rules, you follow them or you work somewhere else.

its learning to follow rules that school is teaching you. and often because the snowflakey parents arent doing it. we had all sorts of batshit rules when I was at school. same as when I got my saturday jobs and then started my career - stuff like always washing your cup up at night before you go home. but thats the point of it. parents shouldnt push back on the rules because THEY signed up to them when they picked the school. change school or home ed if you dont like them, again really simple and straightforward in my view.

I watched a podcast recently, and a girl burst into tears and fled off camera because after accusing all men of misogyny, she was asked what the word actually meant. She couldn't answer, started crying, asked to go home, and ran off camera. It's probably the case that nobody's ever refused her anything or questioned anything, and she couldn't handle the real world.

Edited to add.

Look into a lash lift and tint so it works using natural lashes. And scaling back to a good tinted moisturiser light concealer to achieve a no mskeup makeup look.

Yes this. Speak to a beautician. My dd uses expensive lash serum and will have brow lamination and lash lift and tint as she’s off to work at a us summer camp and hasn’t time for makeup day to day there.
I’m sure you can find something that helps her confidence but doesn’t fall foul of rules.

Right, but their parents aren't paying thousands of pounds a term for them to piss it up the wall because they care more about wearing false eyelashes than getting an education.

As for outgrowing school, you may be right but as the OP describes her sixteen year old DD as a "summer baby" she has to do another year somewhere. Private school is a waste of money for someone who has a bad attitude, no academic aspirations, and thinks the rules shouldn't apply to her.

I would focus on her self-esteem and how self-conscious she feels about her appearance. I felt exactly the same when I was her age and used makeup to cover my insecurities and boost my confidence. I remember people telling me to wear less, but the thought of taking it off made me really anxious because I genuinely believed I looked ugly without it. I argued with my parents and probably seemed defiant at times, but underneath it all was anxiety and a lot of worry about how I looked.

That isn't true, there's no law that states under 16's can't be pierced. Some studio's will refuse though based on local authority regulations or their insurance.

How dare grown ass adults try and bully and blackmail how other adults look. That's not normal

It's not blackmail either.

we had all sorts of batshit rules when I was at school. same as when I got my saturday jobs and then started my career - stuff like always washing your cup up at night before you go home.

What's batshit about cleaning up after yourself and maintaining a clean and tidy work environment? People don't want to be faced with a lot of festering coffee cups when they arrive at work in the morning. (I speak from experience of working in places where no-one washed their cups.)

What a strange assumption. Maybe (much more likely) she was nervous about public speaking, or didn't have much experience of debating in that sort of formal/public setting. Or maybe the reality of the real-world manifestations of misogyny (rape, sexual assault, violence against women and girls) hit her and she was too upset to talk about it. Or many other reasons. But your explanation is probably the least likely.

I work for the NHS, all kinds of makeup on
the face is allowed on frontline staff as are false lashes, tattoos & most above the neck piercings. Obviously we have to have bare nails as there’s a bare below the elbow policy for infection control.

In many careers & jobs nowadays, people are able to wear the makeup & style of their choosing.
So it is a little strange to me that schools are so strict with teenagers who are practically adults.
I went to a Comprehensive secondary school in the 90s & there were no rules on makeup plus the uniform rules weren’t especially restrictive.. it didn’t harm our education.. what harmed our education was the constant use of supply teachers & teachers not turning up to lessons, & certain pupils who were drug dealers intimidating others in lessons. Things which are probably still issues today, whether teens wear makeup or not.

Nervous about public speaking? I don't think so, sister. Just minutes before, she was loftily berating all males as misogynistic beasts utterly sure of her point of view.
Nice try, though....👏

its hard to explain something like school rules to someone of that age, I know I did all I could to break the rules but now being a lot older, can see why the rules are in place.
She needs to understand she is jeopardising her future, if she gets suspended or expelled she wont be able to do her exams or follow the work for them. If that does not interest her future employees may be reluctant to employ her as she is a risk to them as regards toeing the line in the job.
no job no make up or false eyelashes