Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

[IcarusFallingDown]

Any suggestions (if any) for a rebellious teenager who doesn’t care about school rules?

My DD is 16, very well behaved in other areas (doesn’t drink, vape, go out late). Generally respectful at home apart from some teenage strops.

She has a real disregard for school rules. They aren’t allowed to wear makeup or false eye lashes at school, today she was asked to remove both, and told the teacher she won’t be doing so, neither now or in the future. We’ve also had a conversation at home and she’s repeated the same to me. I’m getting daily emails from school about makeup and eye lashes, I email the school saying I will discuss this with her, but I am not sure what else I am able to do?

She’s now decided she’s getting a lip piercing, which is against school policy, but again says the same and that she doesn’t care what the school says or does. I’ve told her I do not sanction this and she’s making life incredibly difficult, it will likely result in detentions from the school and emails home, but she just says she isn’t bothered and wants to express her individuality.

Has anybody been through this with their teenager? My eldest is a boy and was fastidious about school rules so I haven’t experienced this before, I’m sure it is common.

Makes you wonder where she gets her attitude from doesn’t it? 🙄

IMHO, the problem isn't the rules so much as her self esteem. Personally if it was my DD, I'd be working on her self esteem. I would put her into private therapy for adolescents (preferably experienced with ND) and work on what the root cause is of the low self esteem. If you can increase the self esteem, then the makeup 'mask' and lashes becomes easier to forgo for school. It will also filter into other aspects of life as she gets older.

I wouldn’t have lengthy chats about my own high school experiences and expressions, she’s unlikely to be receptive and I don’t think it changes what are the two basic choices.

She either chooses to stay, and adheres to the dress code, or changes schools 🤷‍♀️.

What's stupid is believing that parenting means being a handmaid to your child's every whim.

I did wonder if she was ND when I read the post. My daughter also had this issue and is ND. I wonder if you could ask the school to consider reasonable adjustments to allow some subtle make up. My daughter was "fortunate" that she went to a specialist school that allowed piercings but I wonder if you could persuade your daughter to get her piercing in the summer holidays then when it is healed after the holidays she could wear a retainer in it to school?

I don't think your daughter is anything but spoilt and underdeveloped. Underdeveloped teens find silly ways to express themselves and be a bit aggressive to hide their shame at not being good at things they would have liked to have developed about themselves.

My beautician has a 16 yr old Saturday girl who cleans and sets things up for her for a few hours.
I’d encourage her to to go into all the local hairdressers and beauticians and see if they want a Saturday girl. Would be good for her confidence and self esteem. Widen her world and put school in perspective.
Op obviously made decisions to hold her back with good intentions if she was youngish in year and ND. The school must have agreed to it. But things change.
You could book an appointment at local college and explore options.
Treat her appropriately her age and keep talking. What was a good fit at 11 sounds like it’s not a good fit at 16.

I agree with this, teens like to think they are unique and special, and saying you were the same at her age won’t help.

What school is your DD going to that enfources these types of mental rules!!

Id be supporting her right to, at 16!!!! to wear makeup. Face peircings id be more inclined to try and talk them out of it but only because i know so many people that take it out and are left with scars.

I have no clue how makeup prohibits or has a negative affect on school work. Crazy.

The more you push back on this the more she’s going to pursue it. Worth pointing out to her it’s a shame she’s choosing to finish school on a bad note when surely she’s not got too much time left to follow the rules but otherwise let her crack on with it. Seems daft to be willing to subject yourself to detentions over some fake lashes but it’s her choice isn’t it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Depends if you’re the sort of person who is constantly checking and reapplying it, or the sort that forgets about it once it’s on.

She’s in Year 10, should be Year 11 but kept behind a year as she’s a summer baby.

That's an issue then - when my at 16 got like this I could say it's just a few more weeks do not jeopardise the exams or in case of eldest late August birthday she wasn't even 16 before she was gone from the school.

It didn't help enforcement at their school wasn't uniform but as well behaved polite kids they often got picked on for minor infractions while stood next to another kids with much more blanant ones.

I'd try sitting her down and explaining - she needs to follow the rules till next year - while on property becuase getting kicked out durring GCSE will make her life much harder - as will missing lessons. Maybe even try looking at local colleges with no restictions now - so she knows this is temporay situation.

Where is she getting the money from?

Well this is easy. Tell her she's starting the local comprehensive in September where the rules are a tad more relaxed.

That's an issue then - when my at 16 got like this I could say it's just a few more weeks do not jeopardise the exams or in case of eldest late August birthday she wasn't even 16 before she was gone from the school.

There's no perfect decision. It was no joke one of mine being the youngest in the year and still only 15 when the last GCSE exam was completed. Then the last to turn 18 at college. They have sensibly taken a year out before uni with no prompting from us. We were worried about them managing but didn't say anything. They clearly realised for themself they weren't ready and will go this year having worked for a year and gained far more in terms of maturity and life skills.

Well this is easy. Tell her she's starting the local comprehensive in September where the rules are a tad more relaxed.

Many state school are not relaxed about uniform at all - or peiceing or even hair dye and most do not allow makeup.

Well, I thought something like that lay behind it and I'd be far more worried about that than the school issue although I understand you have to deal with it. I'm not sure removing her make up is helpful as you'll end up in a combative relationship with her. Can you negotiate toning it down for school including use of those short, brown and partial eyelashes that the school might not clock as they are very natural looking? There are lots of tutorials on line about the 'clean girl' look. But that would be to keep her onside so that you can explore why she feels this way and try to help her feel more positive. So sad - I'm sure she is a naturally gorgeous, fresh faced 16 year old under her make up.

Sorry don't know why pervious post quoted your post.

I would have loved to keep DD1 back a year - she has ADHD dsylexia and dyspraxia - so early years at school were really hard on her. Wans't an option then without losing a year of school and going straight into Y1 - I do think it good that's changed

She was very ready though at just 18 for university - us less so - her head of year said she was an old soul. However all my DC despite being summer born were more than ready to be done with the secondary school envrionment at end of Y11 at 15/16 - they all loved the more adult atmosphere of the local regional college.

Agree a gap year before uni is a great idea I did the same.
But it really doesn't help children like your daughter who are still 15 doing their GCSE exams when their are children like Ops daughter who will be 17 sitting her GCSEs.

I was similar at school but as we got to year 10 and 11 the school became less hardline with older students and accepted some makeup. This was before false lashes commonplace but they wouldn't have accepted a lip piercing for health and safety.
At 16 you can't physically prevent her from putting it on and the idea of removing it all from her room etc particularly when she's bought it herself Is ridiculous and likely to lead to further escalation.

You need to think about what you can do or you're prepared to tell her you're willing to do. If she has a good set of friends and is doing well academically then she's not going to want to leave the school and jeopardise her future but the school also aren't going to back down.

.What you could say is this isn't working The school will likely at some point move through the sanctions and potentially expel you. To avoid having that on your record because it can be problematic applying at 6th forms or college depending on what course she wants to do and the numbers applying .
Suggest to her so as this isn't now working that she gets to the end of this academic year and then moves to a different school which might have a different policy. I know you aren't going to do this but I think It's highly unlikely that she's going to want to do this and leave her friends/subjects.
Then you can present it to her as in she either conforms for this period of time or in order to help her do what she wants to do she'll have to move somewhere that will allow it. What's not going to happen is the school going to change their policy for her Maybe with that presented as an option she will rethink.

I would also go into the school and ask what they suggest what's the worst case scenario? Most schools don't want to lose pupils for lots of reasons including financial. This won't be the first time they've dealt with this issue.

I disagree, I think it depends on the kid, different children respond to different approaches. But personally, when I was 16, my dad went down the route of lengthy, open and honest chats, and I really appreciated them and it made me see that he wasn't just being a dickhead for the sake of it, he was a real, rational human being who actually understood where I was coming from and was just trying to help us, which made me much more inclined to listen to his advice. Whereas my mum's approach (just being strict and laying down the law whilst flat-out denying she had ever done anything wrong) was a complete turn-off for me, but for my sister it was like a red rag to a bull and made her want to break ever more serious rules just to prove that no one could tell her what to do.
Hopefully OP will be able to know what sort of approach her daughter would best respond to.

I would talk to the head of year, or senior leadership and agree that they will call a meeting with her and threaten it. Tell her that if she doesn't shape up, then she will have to find somewhere else to sit her exams.
Whether or not they carry it out, put a rocket up her arse.

Can't stand these little madams who think they are above it all. I have always said as a teacher, once you have finished school, then you can make choices. Not before.

this is a private school. they decide the rules. if you want to attend it then you either follow the rules or you leave. its really really simple.

tell her this. tell her that you are going to take her on a tour of the local state schools so she can decide which one she wants to join in September because if she wants to continue to "express herself" then actions have consequences and this is what they are.

you are doing her no favours whatsoever continually pandering to her. she is 16 not 10. she should know this isnt how the world works. FWIW I think the self esteem issue is a smokescreen. it jerks your chain and makes you fall into line and she is manipulating that now. and she is doing it because she can. and she will continue doing it until you start treating her like the adult she is becoming not the child that she was.

every single institution has rules. you attend and you agree to abide by those rules. If she wants to piss on her own chips by continuing this utter nonsense of piercing and false eyelashes then so be it.

and as a parent you need to both toughen up and prepare her for the real world. if she gets a job she will have to do as she is told there as well. the best thing that could happen for her long term if you arent prepared to deal with this is that she gets expelled. she needs to realise that out in the real world, its not her that holds all the power like she does obviously at home.

Nah, I just realise that teenagers will be teenagers, a lot of them crave individuality and freedom of expression and things like makeup and lashes are not a hill to die on. Unless the lashes are impeding her sight, it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference to their ability to learn. If it gives her a confidence boost then that’s a great bonus too.

If my makeup, clothes and piercings are acceptable in my workplace, where I hold a very senior level position, my gym etc then there shouldn’t be an issue with a 16 year old wearing something that makes her feel good and more confident.

I have teen DC of my own now who is very alternative as well, and I fully support them. As does the Irish secondary school they attend. English schools seem to have ridiculous, just for the sake of it, rules. And it seems to do absolutely no favours as Irish students have better educational outcomes 🤷‍♀️

But cheers for your snotty remark 😅

So if they kick her out now, that's her GCSEs up the creek