To not believe no dad is better

[NotConvincedd]

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

That sounds pretty confusing for the child, suddenly being whisked off with dad, not having any idea when they might see him again when they return. Plus children aren't stupid, they will notice the signs that their getting a day with dad, and I suspect a flaky dad will also probably makepromsies directly to he child they then won't keep

If your child is continually being crushed by their father not turning up then the confusion maybe the better of two evils, but its not a solution to a having a completely shit dad and doesn't negate the harm. Sometimes having an absent father is better than a really crap one, although both will obviously be upsetting for the child

How old are they

Why did he leave

How old is he

What has changed for him

What happened between you and him? Any abuse? Who left who?

There's so much missing, how can anyone advise yo7m anyway legally if he wants contact he gets contact surely?

Why do you think your case applies to everyone else apart from a tiny amount? You’ve no idea

Do whatever you want. It’s your situation. If you want to talk about it then start a thread with details specific to your situation and to him, and you’ll get advice. Otherwise, what is the point in this thread?

I don't see how it has in any way enriched my daughter's life to know her dad. He's the most unreliable, selfish and completely uncaring person who over the years has let her down again and again COUNTLESS times. He'd say things like "See you Saturday - we'll go out and do xyz." And then without any explanation, texts or calls - disappear for 5 years only to pop up again as if nothing had happened. In those years, he'd change his number, not tell her where or why he disappeared, ignore her birthdays and Christmas. What's the point in a father like that?

Because I still believe some relationship with a parent is better than nothing at all. Even if it’s just writing to them or phone calls.

You would think but loads of people have told me
to ignore him and not “allow” contact

So do that then? This is just a totally pointless thread.

My xh barely saw our children after we split up, I don’t think they have been disadvantaged by his lack of presence, they’re probably better off for the fact that he wasn’t inconsistent, he was consistently not present. They’re young adults now and seem to be just fine without him in their lives, they would certainly say so. They did have lots of consistency from me and their lives didn’t change in any other way.

Heartbreaking, l hope your dd is ok xx

Your lack of details is infuriating, I've no idea what's ok and what's not. Are they 12 and haven't seen him in a decade? 4 and he's been gone 3 months? Was he in prison? Cringe for his mum while she died of Alzheimer's? Did you break up because you cheated, he cheated, you grew apart, you found out he had another woman pregnant...? It's impossible to know why people are saying thai

Because it’s a general thing I think and isnt based purely on my own situation ive seen it said loads of times. Not just to me!

I could have written this post. This was my daughter when she was little. Now as a teenager she doesn't care about him and mostly ignores his texts when he remembers her

In those situations people are either blowing smoke up the person to help them feel better or they're genuinely staying that the child is better off without that specific father because he is so appalling no.idea which it is in your case

Well you crack on, OP.

There’s no need to justify yourself with a thread on MN implicitly criticising others. You make your best judgement for your own circumstances, like others do.

And don’t forget - this place is just a chat forum. Nothing more, nothing less. In terms of ‘winning’ an argument on here, the stakes couldn’t really be lower.

My dad was shit and I am better off without him in my life. He chipped away at my self confidence, both with his 'parenting' and his willingness to be inconsistent and unreliable, and it's done a number on me in many ways.

Ironically, my mum (with good intentions, no doubt) followed the other bit of often poor advice given which was to never badmouth him, so I grew up thinking that everyone agreed that he was a nice man, meaning that he just didn't give a shit about me specifically.

If she had acknowledged that he was putting his needs ahead of mine and that he wasn't treating me with love or kindness, I wouldn't have spent so long wondering why he didn't love me properly and what I had done to make this 'good person' so critical and unforgiving.

So, while I agree that oft-given advice can be completely wrong, depending on the scenario, I also think if you need to mitigate against an adult letting his own kids down by lying about potential contact etc, it's worth considering if that advice might have merit in your own specific case.

You can’t generalise OP.

My Dad left when I was 2, worked abroad for a few years, then came back and visited every other weekend until I was 14. He then met wife number 3, who didn’t like kids, so he stopped coming.

For me, it was better than nothing. I was happy to write to him instead, and whilst I felt sad I didn’t see him, it was still better than nothing.

My brother didn’t cope well with the rejection at all. It contributed to his depression and suicide. From my brother’s perspective, it would probably have been better to have never known my Dad at all.

Not generalising works both ways then and no dad being better also won’t be true in all cases

Why dont you concentrate on your specific situation, and not generalise about everyone else’s?

No you are wrong entirely. Missing out on something you SHOULD have altogether is significantly preferential to repeated emotional battering. You learn to live with the status quo but if you can never get your bearings because you are constantly built up and let down or constantly made to feel neglected, unwanted etc ... wondering what exactly about you makes you so undesirable.
If you have never known your dad then you know that they didn't abandon YOU because they didn't know you.

Simplistic rubbish. I swear, how did you type that with a straight face? So how does that work when the dad himself says them he'll be round on their birthday, or at the weekend? And they do that. They love to see their little faces light up. They aren't there when the children are crying themselves to sleep.

Having had a crap Dad I disagree
One of the worst things for me was the inconsistency and never knowing which version of him we would get on any given day
I used to hope that my Mum would leave him so we could have a nice stable life without him
Looking back my life would have been better with no Dad, although given that it was some time ago there would have been a certain stigma attached to that I imagine- would have been worth it though

I have no dad and never had a step dad. I have almost no male influence in my life growing up, until I had male teachers in secondary.
I believe this statement was true in my case. I had a happy, stable childhood and knew I was loved and wanted. Several friends had half in half out dads, were constantly moving between houses, had new partners and their children introduced on a. regular basis, and it was crap by comparison.

I had a neglectful and unreliable father, and a sexually abusive stepfather.

No father figure at all would have been highly preferable.

I had a very inconsistent and unreliable dad. He used to let me down more then he didn’t. Wouldn’t show up when he promised he would etc. it’s left me with huge issues around rejection and abandonment and done more harm than good. I would have preferred him not to be around as these issues affect me still now