To not believe no dad is better

[NotConvincedd]

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

No he would not take them and has said he wouldn’t as we discussed it in the past.

So on what way is he wanting to be a parent exactly that is giving these kids a dad? I don't get it. If he wants to be like a fun u cle as you said who seems them a couple of times a year and has no responsibility for them whatsoever - how is that them having some kind of dad rather than none? It's not anything like having a father...

He’s no dad then. He’s just a stranger who flits in and out of their lives.

Did you know he was an unreliable, irresponsible twat before you had kids with him, or did his behaviour change after the event(s)?

Really? I know of someone who actively tried to alienate her children from their dad and it backfired on her.

Oh OP that’s an absolute crock.

Relationships don’t follow blood lines. My kids have no biological grandparents but they have a great many people in their lives that love them just as much. Any sane person would choose that for their children over toxic and confusing forced relationships.

Frankly, forcing a relationship on your children that is damaging, makes you culpable and a bad parent too.

Well then you are lucky because I have no family meaning they don’t either

Wouldnt change the outcome

That’s not what I asked?

You obviously didn’t read my post. You don’t have to be blood related to be loved like family. As a parent it’s your responsibility to foster healthy and loving relationships between your children and anybody that chooses to be on their lives. Doesn’t matter if it’s Joan from down the road.

And friends dont care about your kids the same way family do thats very evident from mumsnet; just the other day there was a thread on here about a poster inviting her friend for coffee and her friend asking to bring her son and all the posters said cancel and rearrange because no one wants to spend time around their friends kids! You have been lucky if your friends genuinely care about your kids! As the vast majority of posters said they don’t want to be around friends kids

I agree and my dd has never met her dad!

In an ideal world some contact is better than no contact. That said my dd is a happy 20 yo and doing all the things 20 yos should be doing so 🤷‍♀️

It was eye opening to me how many people dislike being round their friends kids so if you have friends that genuinely like being around your kids and care about them you are lucky

Well I think it’s very telling that you don’t seem to have meaningful enough relationships with your friends for them to have meaningful relationships with your kids. It all sounds very toxic.

It is also absolutely possible to care deeply about a friends child but also want time with your friend without the child. That is what a healthy relationship is.

Not toxic at all and this was not my post it was a post on mumsnet as I said, however most friends don’t really care about their friends kids i will say that, doesnt mean they are horrible to them or mean but it’s not the same as a blood relative.

Men like that don't deserve to be fathers. If a man doesn't deserve to be a father then he shouldn't expect any acceptance from their children. I don't understand why you think it's better for children to be constantly let down than for their deadbeat dad to just disappear. Crap dad's fuck children up more than absent ones IME which I admit is limited.