To not believe no dad is better

[NotConvincedd]

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

So you are grading "crap" from inconsistent through to abusive?
Inconsistent is ok to abusive is not ok?
Seems a bit arbitrary. Where does the line land?
Any on the scale can be harmful.
Hopefully the other parent or care givers support and provide consistency

Inconsistent Dads are horrible. HTH

‘Solved’ well good for you, you’ve solved shit dads, give yourself a pat on the back.

A lot of kids would find that very unsettling!

They shouldn't have to follow that advice. You're spectacularly missing the point.

Of course abusive isnt acceptable, no one is going to think an abusive dad is ok. And I’ve seen it on many many posts not to tell the kids the father is coming if he is inconsistent 🤦‍♀️

The advice from who exactly?

it's not fair not to prepare a child for the day/weekend ahead & just have their Dad turn up to take them.

Have you spoken to him? What is his take? How old are the children? It's really hard to know from the bare bones info

Go on any threads about a dad that often cancels contact and the advice is dont tell them he is coming 🤷‍♀️

Don't be ridiculous. Relationships break down, it doesn't mean the man is always at fault or a crap Dad.

I think children need reliable people in their lives they don't need to be called mum or dad.

My half sister (same mum) has half brothers (same dad) and their dad stayed in their lives and they had considerably worse childhoods than my sister had. She did have a stable upbringing with our grandparents and my father, who effectively adopted her at 5. She might have had her biological father to call upon but she had a steady set of adults nurturing her and that made the difference.

Doesn't make it good advice.

and 'it is advised' is totally different to 'posters on MN say'

I think people mostly mean no dad in the main home is better than a shit dad. As in, you can leave your husband if he is a shit dad and partner… you don’t have to stay “for the sake of the kids.”
It’s better to leave, have one great stable home and they see their dad as much as contact is agreed but they don’t need to live in a home with mum and dad just because that’s how it “should be”.

My kids were definitely better off without their bio-dad in their everyday life.

No they don’t, my kids dad isnt around and people have said it’s better he isn’t around than inconsistent and ive into ever seen it said in that sense (that an absent dad is better than inconsistent)

My 16-year-old wants nothing to do with her father who has been in/out (mostly out) of her life by choice. He reappears every few years and then disappears again. This has been going on since she was a toddler. All my attempts to foster a relationship between them have been dismissed by him. Now when he texts her, she can't even be bothered to reply.

I would say that being inconsistent, flaky and letting kids down regularly is emotionally abusive.

Right. So they’re saying it to support you. What do you want from this thread? Your kids dad left, so… what? Do you want people to say that your kids are going to suffer and fault at life without him?

They won’t. Not if you do your job as a parent right. They’ll be absolutely fine. And if he left them like that, then they really are better without him because he’s a shit.

It’s not only said to me I’ve seen it said multiple times so I’m questioning it as I don’t believe it’s true, not for most kids anyway.

I don’t actually think there should be a ‘shit dad Olympics’. It’s not a competition. Having no dad around is shit. Having an unreliable dad is shit. They’re both really shit, why have a competition as to which is shitter?

Couldn't agree more and you articulated it perfectly.

Thos people are saying that to help you feel better, they know it's not idea for your or your kids but what can they say? He's not coming back so the the e stuck with awkward platitudes

I think the problem is that you only know that you'd have been better off with no Dad when you've spent years suffering through an awful relationship with a shit Dad.

It’s a complete waste of everyone’s time just waiting around seeing if an absent parent decides to turn up or not.

He is coming back, he’s like contact again but people have said not to allow it because “no dad is better” I disagree, that is only the case in a very small and specific amount of cases, like if the father is a risk to the child.